Can I Say Goodbye To My Heart?

It seems we're all here, in EP, when we obsess, we tell our story, make a decision and then disappear back to our lives, never letting the EP audience here know, how we are doing when it's all said and done.

I am reading anything about affairs, ending them, living them, surviving the end, suffering them, how a cheated wife feels, how the cheater feels, endless stories of heartache, mine too. 

I am writing to this group, scared that I want my BIG LOVE to end, I have ended it before, it never lasted, so I figure I will just have to suffer till it dies a natural death... or me, lol

I have been married for over 25 y..

I have been in love with my MM for over five years, he got caught after 3y, and decided to stay in his marriage, but has been coming back, and I let him, I am still in my marriage, which has it's pitfalls, so my lover is always a breath of fresh air.

"Soulmates" -  is a word we throw around a lot.
I don't like it in conjunction with cheating. It doesn't make sense. I wish I had the guts, like a lot of you, to just walk away from my "soulmate". 

Instead, I accept the fact that we can only see each other when our families don't need us etc, which is very rare, as on top of it all, his wife is guarding him closely . We are in touch through text or call every day, but it's really more frustrating than anything, and I am waiting for my logic to kick in, and it just doesn't...
Lately,  I have been appreciating my husband more and more. Although the attraction is still nil.
We had some difficult years in the past, and are still struggling, but our beautiful kids always manage to keep us together.
I log on to EP to garner strength to end this long extramarital love story that is going no where, but feels so heavenly, even now...

Please comment,
marmelade marmelade
51-55, F
2 Responses Sep 19, 2012

I feel your pain, although I'm at an earlier stage, I yearn for my lover who so far has had the strength to end it. I wish you best of luck. Your not alone. Music helps me, at least I think, I usually sob as it releases the pain, which feels both good and bad.

i dont know that its strength that helps us walk away when we do, but hope - hope that well figure it out, one way or another, and get the 'happily ever after' we all want. me and my friend (for lack of a better word) tossed around the concept of having an affair forever too, but it was too sad and i still thought maybe if i walked away i would eventually figure it out. so far i have not.

i appreciate what you said about people telling their tales and then disappearing. ive often wished someone who has figured it out one way or another would come back and tell us about it, tell us what changed and that they are truly happy with their life now. i usually feel like these forbidden relationships in which, as you say, the term 'soulmate' gets tossed around, is like climbing into a dark abyss which god himself cant help you out of.

im sorry for your situation. i hope you find happiness, making the best of an imperfect and painful situation. good luck and thank you for sharing.