Starting Over ....yet Again

I ended my affair. Yes, it was the right thing to do. I keep telling myself that hoping that the part of my heart that is left will someday believe it. It's been about 8 weeks since I said good bye to him and most of the time I can cope with the loss well, but every now and then, the pain of the whole experience creeps in and I just want it to go away. Unfortunately, the irriational part of me thinks that he is the only one that can heal the hurt and make me feel better.

You would think that after the life I have had, that starting over would be easy, but for some reason this just isn't. After growing up in an abusive home, I cut ties and moved on putting that part of my life in a box and starting over. Then I met my ex husband, and endured a different life for 15 years. One of emotional and mental abuse. Again, I finally found the strength to leave and put that life away and started over -- this time with two children and just the clothes on our backs. But now, somehow, MM has taken away more than that. He took away my faith in life and he took away my will to love and trust.

And how do I start over from here? I have to see this man almost every business day of the year and when he looks at me, he still cuts through all the BS I put in the forefront and shakes me to my core. Why? How does one person have an affect on me that I can't control? I guess what they say is true about addiction. Once an addict always an addict. I will always want the high that came from him but never the low of withdrawl I always got.

I know I did the right thing and I will continue to be strong. I will somehow find the will and the way to start over and move on...yet again. I was just hoping I wouldn't have to do it everyday.
craz1969 craz1969
31-35, F
3 Responses Jan 20, 2013

I feel so sorry for the women on here that still work with mm. It must be so hard. I know for a fact that if I still worked with mine it would take a different type of strength to move forward. I was lucky that he got another job right after we started. It still took me two years.

But you have so much strength. Read your last paragraph. To even write that is something that you should be proud of. They are like an addiction. And in order not to feed the need, it is a conscious decision to get up everyday and look him square in the face and chose not to go that route. The last couple of days have been hard on me for some reason. But thankfully there are people here that allow me to talk honestly through my feelings. If you ever need to vent. I'm here.

Thank you for your honest story. You are an inspiration.

Try to remember he has that power because you give him that power. If you start to think of him differently, which is HARD, I know... He will start to have no power. Good luck! I wish you the best.

You are being an amazingly strong woman and of course you deserve better.I completely get what you mean by the low of withdrawal and I hope one day I will overcome my fear of that low of withdrawal to take a similar step.
Please stay strong. I am rooting for you!