Somehow...I have hesitated to share a story here for quite sometime.
What do you do when you believe something with all of your heart, but it doesn't seem to work out for you? What do you do when plans made well over a decade ago come crashing down at your feet? What do you do when you come to the sickening realization that you are single-handedly holding the weight of your world?
You step back, reevaluate, and try a little harder.
"'Till death do us part"
I endorse this concept wholeheartedly. But what if the marriage is killing one or both of you? Maybe that sounds a little dramatic. But my mind, my spirit, my soul cries out in this marriage to this granite man that I've loved for so long. He is a bachelor with a full time maid. I am a married single mom. There is nothing shared. No life together. And this is his choice.
So I've wondered all the usual things...what does this say about me? What does it say about my ideals? What does it say about the future. If bonds so sacred can be broken, then how can I ever believe in love again? How can I move past this relationship and find true happiness? When I look at what we were and at what we became -- how can I actually believe in forever with anyone? Because if this is as good as it gets -- why bother?
Because, he is a detriment to my children. He is a detriment to my own happiness. He is sucking all the life out of me, and all of the joy out of my life. This is not love.
With this knowledge, it's taken me a year to make the actual decision to leave. I am terrified. Because this is no mere separation. This is that dirty word that I don't like to say. Don't want for my children. Never wanted for me. This...is divorce.
But this also feels good.
Because I'm finally moving. I'm finally taking steps to better my life.
I talked to my father about it tonight. In the last year, he has moved from blatant anger at me for considering to offering any support he can, including helping me with the kids. That blessing really helps me know I'm making the right decision.
But getting here? Has been a long hard fight. I have done everything in my power to help this marriage. I have had patience that I've astounded myself with. Somehow, i still do endorse the concept of "'till death do us part". Somehow, I believe that is possible. I know that too many people cut and run at the first sign of trouble, and that's no marriage. I know that too many people don't seem to give marriage more consideration than what they're wearing to some party. Don't like how this feels? How it looks -- toss it, find something else. This is more than that, and it's taken a year for me to realize. And that realization has shaken my beliefs, but I find that today, they're still intact.
For me, unfortunately, because of temper and his complete emotional abandonment, I can't stay here. But I think it's very possible.
onceandfutureglow 31-35, F 20 Responses 4 Dec 23, 2010