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Somehow...

I have hesitated to share a story here for quite sometime.

What do you do when you believe something with all of your heart, but it doesn't seem to work out for you? What do you do when plans made well over a decade ago come crashing down at your feet? What do you do when you come to the sickening realization that you are single-handedly holding the weight of your world?

You step back, reevaluate, and try a little harder.

And then?

"'Till death do us part"

I endorse this concept wholeheartedly. But what if the marriage is killing one or both of you? Maybe that sounds a little dramatic. But my mind, my spirit, my soul cries out in this marriage to this granite man that I've loved for so long. He is a bachelor with a full time maid. I am a married single mom. There is nothing shared. No life together. And this is his choice.

So I've wondered all the usual things...what does this say about me? What does it say about my ideals? What does it say about the future. If bonds so sacred can be broken, then how can I ever believe in love again? How can I move past this relationship and find true happiness? When I look at what we were and at what we became -- how can I actually believe in forever with anyone? Because if this is as good as it gets -- why bother?

Because, he is a detriment to my children. He is a detriment to my own happiness. He is sucking all the life out of me, and all of the joy out of my life. This is not love.

With this knowledge, it's taken me a year to make the actual decision to leave. I am terrified. Because this is no mere separation. This is that dirty word that I don't like to say. Don't want for my children. Never wanted for me. This...is divorce.

But this also feels good.

Because I'm finally moving. I'm finally taking steps to better my life.

I talked to my father about it tonight. In the last year, he has moved from blatant anger at me for considering to offering any support he can, including helping me with the kids. That blessing really helps me know I'm making the right decision.

But getting here? Has been a long hard fight. I have done everything in my power to help this marriage. I have had patience that I've astounded myself with. Somehow, i still do endorse the concept of "'till death do us part". Somehow, I believe that is possible. I know that too many people cut and run at the first sign of trouble, and that's no marriage. I know that too many people don't seem to give marriage more consideration than what they're wearing to some party. Don't like how this feels? How it looks -- toss it, find something else. This is more than that, and it's taken a year for me to realize. And that realization has shaken my beliefs, but I find that today, they're still intact.

For me, unfortunately, because of temper and his complete emotional abandonment, I can't stay here. But I think it's very possible.
onceandfutureglow onceandfutureglow 31-35, F 20 Responses Dec 23, 2010

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thank you for the comment. : )

I would say to you...even though you already are, I'm sure, be careful. I'm divorced now. My kids are handling things better than I thought they would. I am handling things better than I thought I would. I'm much happier, and healthier than I was in my marriage. But divorce is a bridge you can't repair once you cross it. Even if you mended your relationship with your spouse...it's a line that you can never fully get behind again. "Forever" doesn't really mean what it used to. Maybe it can. I hope it can. I still believe it. But it's less concrete now. No longer black and white. It's a scary place to enter, and especially with your religious views, I would say, be really, really sure before you go there. It's been super hard for me...

I feel very much the same way you do. I am a devout Lutheran and thought I would never even consider the "D" word. But our relationship has been so tumultuous and unfulfilling that I feel that is the only option. Your story helps me back up a bit and see mine a little more clearly.
Pax Vobiscum

miss Glowy, I pray that you find peace and grace on your new path. <br />
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Remember that God did not design a bad marriage for you and that you are meant to have a partner who is loving, tender, nurturing, warm, giving, etc. and to be such a partner yourself. If your partner is not such a one, then he is not married in the christian sense (forever, until death do us part).<br />
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Been there for 17 years.<br />
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I wish you Love.<br />
b

I hear you. It sounds like it's been very hard and lonely and frustrating for you. I hope you don't regret having tried so hard; I honestly believe that nothing we do in our lives is for nothing. Even when it seems that it was all futile and even draining.<br />
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Take care, okay?<br />
<br />
(((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))))<br />
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Love,<br />
<br />
Andrew

Sarah - Thank you...prayers are always a good thing. <br />
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Andrew - My...er...whatever he is...is a tricksy little creature. He likes to perform for people, but it wears on him. He won't go to counseling long term. When it becomes apparent that he needs to work, he always tires of it. There are so many issues here. And I will always love him. It's just not something I can do anymore. I actually was the one here who wanted things to stay the same. Things were great at first. And there were so many great moments in the middle. But now, it's just gotten to the point where I can't do it anymore. As Fallflower said - it's killing that thing that makes me who I am. Almost twelve years together, but he can't work on things. Situations change who we are, and kids and jobs and just getting older...and for a couple to thrive, they must grow together. We haven't. As much as I have tried. <br />
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I think it is great that you can be happy single. I have a friend like that. She is perfectly content without a man in her life, and I think that's amazing. She finds the happiness she needs inside herself and with her circle of friends and her job. She has nieces and nephews that take the place of children. She's happy. I think that's really great. : )<br />
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K - thank you...and there is already peace coming. Trickling in more by the day. It's just such a relief not to be toiling over the decision anymore.

First *big hug* And I will pray for peace within your family.

P/s: Sometimes I wonder why I am so contented being single, when so many married people feel lonely in their marriage. It was like that with iza. We were so happy together until we got e-married on EP -- as a sort of "starter husband" -- and after that she felt so lonely that it made my heart ache, but I didn't know what to do.<br />
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A good friend of mine once told me her theory that when men marry, they hope that things will stay the same, because what they have been looking for is stability -- Eg. "Phew! This is nice!" --, whereas when women marry, they hope that it will change their lives.<br />
<br />
Andrew

((((((((((((((((( HUG )))))))))))))))))<br />
<br />
I've never been married and I don't feel lonely being single, so I won't offer any advice.<br />
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Just one question (out of curiosity): Has marriage counselling/ couples therapy ever been an option?<br />
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I wish it were easier for you...<br />
<br />
*hugs*<br />
<br />
Andrew

so hard to say....anything.....I can only pray for you.....God bless you, dear friend

Awww...thanks guys. : )<br />
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FF - Beautifully said. And with way less words than I managed. That's what I was trying to say. Death of the soul and a withered spirit are worse than actual death. Death is an escape. The torture of a horrible marriage is a very slow death. Cutting the ties before it finishes the job.<br />
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*curtsies to Accomplice* I don't know if I have courage or strength. I'll get back to you on that in a few weeks. This is more like the dog chewing off his foot to get out of the trap...<br />
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Pedro - They are what drive my very being. Seeing them, really seeing them, when they are around him is what pushed me the last few steps. I always said - if he were a good father, I could endure anything. But he's not. And that can't be tolerated anymore.

From one who has been in what sounds like very similar shoes... I commend you for deciding to take your children out of an unhealthy situation first of all and of course then yourself. I believe we have to put their mental and physical safety first. Good luck and stay strong

Congratulations on reaching a difficult and important decision. I recognize and admire your strength and courage.

Better is possible, peace is possible. Saving yourself from this kind of death is necessary. I think you can still wholeheartedly endorse "till death do us part" with this decision. I don't think it means that you have to...actually...die. Hugs

Sahira - your words are some of the many that have spoken loudest to me over the last months. Knowing that "better" is possible. Knowing that it's okay to go. Thank you. : )<br />
<br />
GMG - Yes. Especially when it's been a long time arriving.<br />
<br />
Yes Scooby!! I'm so excited. With the way we are together, I was so afraid that he'd be pouting forever on this one. But maybe I was good to ease him into the concept last January. Sometimes procrastination pays off. (Bwaahaaahaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaa.)

Your Dad coming around is huge. I'm glad for that too.

: )

I'm glad for you.

*bear hugs Scooby*<br />
<br />
There is a peace here. It's a good thing. Finally a peace...

Ditto. *hugs*

Gonna try my absolute hardest. I think steps of some sort are in order finally. The first is the hardest, they say. But now I have made up my mind, and that makes it a little easier.