Perhaps I Want It Both Ways

If I was better at maths, I'd no doubt be able to calculate how many a weekend I have spent home alone, since my twenties. Back then the urge and the desire to go out and meet people was strong, sometimes almost overwhelming. It plauged my thoughts - "how come everyone else is out having fun and meeting partners". I felt desperate and despairing in my loneliness.

My friendships were fleeting and my social life sporadic. My brother was out every weekend, and I saw the excitement he had meeting his friends and going out partying and clubbing. At University it was the same. Seeing groups of people regaling out the doors for a night out, while I was left alone.

At first, Isolation was my enemy, my source of pain, a burden. A decade passed and in my thirties things did not get much better. And then, one day i realised I was starting to numb to it. The years of isolation and solitude became familiar. To the point that when I did spend the odd night out, I often found myself feeling alone in the group, and wanting to get back home to be properly alone. A more comfortable loneliness.

I envy the great social life, activity and opportunities to travel abroad that some people have with their friends and lovers.That security of having people there for you and sharing the good times. The joy of a great laugh with a warm familiar circle of old friends. But at the same time, I now value solitude and peace. Perhaps I've become lazy and don't want to put in all the hard work. Perhaps it's a barrier to prevent pain. Or, perhaps after all these years, I'm just better off alone. I like my own company. But I also crave companionship.
loveland loveland
41-45, M
2 Responses Dec 15, 2012

I have like only about two good friends that I care for deeply, I moved away with my family from where I grew up and the distance now is tougher... I feel so empty. Apart from having strict parents, I feel like I am a very outgoing person, but at the same time I feel at home much better than I do in the streets. I want to go out but I find myself depressed when I go out and see people with many friends etc. I am not interested in having a huge group of friends, but a meaningful one. I wouldn't consider myself an introvert but I could be slightly depressed. Sometimes loneliness is comfort.

@ofthisgirl, I think you are right to seek a few meaningful friendships, rather than a large group of people. I am sure you will achieve your aim as you are still very young. Its obvious from the way you write that you are very bright and self aware. I hope some good quality people will enter your life soon.

You're simply an introvert. Not to be confused with being shy of people. I used to think that I'm afraid of people, and I was at some point. But after going out and seeing people, challenging myself to change, I realized that I love my own private space and that I get overwhelmed with too many social interactions. I just love my own private space and my own privacy to the point that I think I need time off from my wife. But after spending half a year alone without my wife, I realized that I get lonely too. Just try to be good and selfless to other people and they will gravitate towards your inner peace and humbleness and you will find energy that you can use to give and receive from others. I find that being constantly in a company with other people tends to make you act different from your nature and it actually leads to more confusion about who you really are. Introverted people understand more about themselves because they spend more time analyzing their actions and thoughts and are more compassionate to others as a result. I've found that I'm more of a one-on-one person because I like to listen and analyze others and I think you will defintely find that one person you can share your inner world with and I think that person has to be a bit of an introvert as well. I understand you.

Many thanks for taking time to read and comment on my story. I'm not wholly sure I concur with the "introvert" bit, but then again I will re-examine the definition and see whether i do indeed fit within that definition.