The Secret Shame

i started in middle school...never really stopped. Adults found out but I didn't care because it was my only escape from the messed up life I live in. I have lost many lovers and friends over it but all that does is make me want to do it more. I feel like my scars are a part of me and that I shouldn't be ashamed of them...ever. My parents have never found out...I'd like to keep it that way. I think about stopping often but can never really bring myself to do it. I started because one of my close friends died and it mad me so mad/sad that it happened to her that one night on an impulse I used my compass and just slit my arm...I have since escalated to razorblades. The simple fact it I like cutting and I don't plan on stopping...no matter what happens.
SecretShame SecretShame
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 29, 2010

As a former cutter, I feel you both. I understand where you are coming from. Believe me, I do. My family and others also didn't understand that cutting actually made things BETTER. It wasn't the disease, it was the symptom of the disease- and the cure for it, albeit not the ideal one. <br />
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However, I do not agree that you should continue cutting. There are many reasons you should stop. Take it from someone who has been there. First, the relief it gives you from depression or anger or frustration is temporary. When the next bout of depression comes, you will be reaching for the razor blade again. The best analogy I can come up with- this is like trying to cure the migraines from brain cancer with an aspirin- it helps for a while but it doesn't solve the root cause of the problem and the migraines will return again. If you have depression, you should set about solving it. Perhaps you should see a shrink. <br />
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Secondly, it is habit forming. Look at the stories on EP of people who are addicted to it. Do you want that to happen to you? Maybe it gives you a sense of control and empowerment at first- but then it actually starts controlling YOU. Stop before it gets worse. <br />
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Thirdly, you become used to the pain and desensitized to it. You start cutting more and more deeply. Your body becomes accustomed to the natural painkillers released and you need more pain to get the same feeling. One day, perhaps after many years of cutting, you might unintentionally cut yourself so badly that you will find yourself moaning and twisting in pain. Not being an expert in anatomy, you might also cut the wrong body part and accidentally hit a nerve or sensitive tissue or something. I did that several times when I tried new places to cut and I gave myself a lot of unintended pain. Not saying this to scare you, just telling you the truth. <br />
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And last, you might not be horrified at the scars now but if you get better, trust me, you will. They will be a very painful reminder and you will be very embarrassed trying to explain them to boyfriends or girlfriends, spouses, family members and friends. Even strangers who see you at the beach in a swim suit will stare and want to ask questions. <br />
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Take a look at the second item here for proof-<br />
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http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110815

Thank you so much!!! I am also a cutter an I feel exactly the same - I enjoy doing it. People don't seem to understand that apart from being a coping mechanism, it is a way of expressing yourself, just the same as making art or writing poetry. I do do it because of saddness and a feeling of being alone, but I also sometimes just do it for the sake of the cutting itself. Protest for the right to cut!!!