Why I Am So D@mn Nice...


At the end of 2010 I wanted to die. This is actually not *that* unusual for me, but fantasizing about doing it, making up suicide plans as a hobby...that's bad.
So...I met a friend online...He asked me to ask him to talk me out of suicide first, before I attempted. 
I said "Ok, but that works both ways."
So I got to go through one of the worst periods of my life in 2011. Memory recall of really nasty stuff started arriving.
I felt horrible, had to have my buddy guilt me out of suicide a couple of times. I guilted him out of it too.
I also found other people who needed help...and I tried to make myself useful.  That way I couldn't kill myself.  I was needed.  I couldn't kill my friends by killing myself.
Eventually I got through the agony, the self-hatred, the despair, the flashbacks, the terror, the desire to scrub my own skin off to feel clean again.

After that, I kept on caring for others as a way to keep feeling good about myself...then it became somewhat of a spiritual practice...stretching my ability to empathize.  And I healed a lot, worked through a lot of my own issues by helping others...or at least trying...and I finally convinced myself I was a good person.  Yeah, I took a lot of convincing.

Honestly?  I just really do like people, I crave connection with them...and I'm more than a little weird.  Not in a bad way, just...off on my own less-traveled path.  Helping others is one way to assuage the loneliness being me seems to entail.

So if you are wondering why I give a d@mn...all that's why. 
If that makes you think badly of me, *shrug*.
hylierandom hylierandom
2 Responses Sep 17, 2012

OK that explains quite a bit. Thanks for sharing this.

Think bad of you ? LOL. That's not possible. You are a good person. Keep doing your thing, I approve.:-)

I am not sure who would think badly of you but slip me their address under my door, never speak of them again, and it will get taken care of when the time is right.