Why I Am So D@mn Nice...Ok...so...
At the end of 2010 I wanted to die. This is actually not *that* unusual for me, but fantasizing about doing it, making up suicide plans as a hobby...that's bad.
So...I met a friend online...He asked me to ask him to talk me out of suicide first, before I attempted.
I said "Ok, but that works both ways."
So I got to go through one of the worst periods of my life in 2011. Memory recall of really nasty stuff started arriving.
I felt horrible, had to have my buddy guilt me out of suicide a couple of times. I guilted him out of it too.
I also found other people who needed help...and I tried to make myself useful. That way I couldn't kill myself. I was needed. I couldn't kill my friends by killing myself.
Eventually I got through the agony, the self-hatred, the despair, the flashbacks, the terror, the desire to scrub my own skin off to feel clean again.
After that, I kept on caring for others as a way to keep feeling good about myself...then it became somewhat of a spiritual practice...stretching my ability to empathize. And I healed a lot, worked through a lot of my own issues by helping others...or at least trying...and I finally convinced myself I was a good person. Yeah, I took a lot of convincing.
Honestly? I just really do like people, I crave connection with them...and I'm more than a little weird. Not in a bad way, just...off on my own less-traveled path. Helping others is one way to assuage the loneliness being me seems to entail.
So if you are wondering why I give a d@mn...all that's why.
If that makes you think badly of me, *shrug*.
hylierandom 41-45 2 Responses 4 Sep 17, 2012