Now That I Know, I Can't Let Go.


I was never the kind of girl that really bothered about having or not having friends. I had lots of family issues and since I was really young, I was REALLY bullied so I didn't like to get attached, to show emotions. I talked about my life, laughed and seemed very normal, but I never really opened up to people.  

You may think I was unhappy, but I wasn't. I knew no different. Sometimes people got attached to me, and I let them, but I never really returned that, I didn't feel connected to them, no matter how many years passed. Their presence, or lack-there-of didn't really matter. I learned to walk through the crowded streets slowly, with a instrumental song playing on my mp3, just watching the sky and the people arond me.

I learned to enjoy everything around me by myself. 

And I really liked that. I enjoyed observing all the group of friends, boyfriends, families...I liked to sit on the benches and watch the clear blue sky or the cloudy one. I really adored watching a movie and walking down streets just reflecting about the messages it carried. I learned to love life even though I had no one close enough to share it with. I was seriously happy liked that, I loved to live in my oh-so-called 'bubble'. I felt free and independent, I even scoffed at those (in my mind) 'needy' type of people.  Sometimes I wondered what it would be like to  have a really close friend, but since I had none it made no difference. It's not possible to miss what you never have.

But last year things changed. I met two people, a guy and a girl, that became the most amazing friends I ever had. With them I could share everything. They were more my friends in a year than most of the ones I had for a decade. They knew every little aspect of me, they could tell if I was happy or sad even on msn, depending on how many exclamation points I used, if I sent a little smile or not.

I learned to enjoy life with friends. I went to the movies and we laughed about the silly things, talked about the serious ones and drank over the ones that made us reflect on our own lives.

However, now all is changing again.  I quit my job, so I won't see one of them quite so often. Not only that, she is sick. Seriously sick, as in, can die evetually sick. And that kills me as well. I can't imagine my life without her, not anymore. 

And him...he is going to start living a busier life in another city. We will only talk through msn during the weekends and that kills me too. I can sense us growing apart already, and I don't want that to happen.  I can't imagine my life without him either, not anymore.

Now that I know what's like to have not only one, but two great friends I just don't know what to do. Before I could go on just fine, but now that I know what's like to have it all, how can I go back to being alone? How can I go back to that? Laugh alone at the movies,  have no one to discuss deep subjects with me, no shoulder to cry on, no friend to celebrate something with. How do I go back to enjoying life alone?

As I said before, I don't usually get attached, but now that I have, these two people occupy a large piece of my do I simply let go of everything? I know it's silly, cause it's only been a year...but we connected to one another like we never did to anyone before...I am afraid that distance and time will break us up.

I just...don't know what to do anymore. 

womaninchains womaninchains
26-30, F
9 Responses Feb 16, 2010

Thank you everyone for your kind responses and pieces of advice. I am standing on shaky grounds when it comes to my friends, but I'm trying hard not to lose them.

If u adopt children, teach them and love them....they will never leave u unless they die. But with your friend being sick, all u can do is pray for her and show her while u can how much u live her by cooking for her doing her laundry and more...when the good Lord deams time for her to leave this world u have to let her go! As for ur guy friend...text, write, visit every time u can. You will eventualy find more friends if u believe!

Please do not give up!<br />
Everyone's life is a balance. I have good friends and I have had good friends but I also like to spend time on my own doing just what I want to do. You have learned how to manage your life on your own and you have now experienced the joy of having close friends and of how to open up to them. It may well be that you have gone "over the top" with your emotions. There is nothing wrong with this but emotionally you may have been playing "catch up" for those lonely years.<br />
<br />
Look at it this way. If you had had say a marvelous job offer which meant moving away from your friends, would you have taken it? Suppose you had asked your friends if you should go and they had said "No" because they wanted you near them. This would be very flattering but would it have been selfish on their part? Suppose they had said they would miss you like hell but they were very happy for you and you must go?<br />
Think about these two scenarios. Did you tell your friend that you would miss him like crazy but he must do what is best for him?<br />
Now for the little girl. Even though I do not know her, my heart goes out to her in respect of her illness. Poor little soul, she needs you now as a friend more than ever. Stay close to her in her hour of need and help her recovery.<br />
<br />
Making new friends means making them enjoy your company as much as you enjoy theirs. It is giving and receiving. Keep in touch with the boy and keep in contact with the girl. Make new friends, it is easier than you think as long as you help them to enjoy your company. Try taking them to visit your girl friend so that they make friends with her.<br />
We humans are community people so it is natural to be with people. Luckily there are many of them about so you can choose. Maybe you can pursue your interests, study groups, dance, swimming etc. and you will be in a position to meet others with the same interests.<br />
I wish you well.

Sweetie, I do know exactly how you are feeling and let me tell you it is not easy. I'm so sorry that your girlfriend is so sick. I can only wish you find a way to keep in touch with them. It is hard when you do find someone to be so close and you were blessed to have two great friends. I wish you well and please be there for your friend and be as supportive as you can for her. I'm sure it is sad for her too,so I do hope you can go and visit her and stay in touch with her.I'm sure it would mean the world to her to know that no matter what is going on in her life you are there for her. If not maybe you can keep in touch with both of them thru email. This is a part of life that I have not been too fond of but I know that life has to just be this way. Good Luck and I wish you lots of happiness and may you find others to be a part of your life too. Hugs,Linda

Spending most of your time alone makes people withdrawn. And relationships forged afterwards mean much more and are harder to see end. That's the way I feel.

This is a really well-written explanation of what's going on with you right now. I could really understand the feeling you described of being perfectly happy to be alone and isolated. I don't think I even knew I had isolated myself in a certain period, but actually reading this has made me aware that I really was. So, awesome, thanks for writing this. You helped me to understand something I didn't even know I was missing.<br />
Also, I'm sorry you're in a scary spot. I know how it feels to build a connection with someone on a deeper level than you even thought possible, and be frightened about the prospect of losing that. And wondering how you could ever find it again if it goes away. All I can say is that I've found a way to maintain such a rare and close connection (so far) even though there's now a distance involved, so hopefully there's hope for you too.

wow,i really can relate to this...two options go back to your self or make a new friend.<br />
hint...hint...make a new friend. (:

One has to lurn through own experiencrue or others. That's why history is important in life. Love u all. God bless u. Be tre.ue in lif

Maybe since you now know its possible for you to connect with people on a previously unknown level, it may get easier for you to find the connection again? Getting another job will allow you to put yourself out there to meet new people. I'm sure someone else will have better advice for you. I haven't been able to express myself very well lately, but I try not to read a story and not leave a comment.