Now That I Know, I Can't Let Go.
I was never the kind of girl that really bothered about having or not having friends. I had lots of family issues and since I was really young, I was REALLY bullied so I didn't like to get attached, to show emotions. I talked about my life, laughed and seemed very normal, but I never really opened up to people.
You may think I was unhappy, but I wasn't. I knew no different. Sometimes people got attached to me, and I let them, but I never really returned that, I didn't feel connected to them, no matter how many years passed. Their presence, or lack-there-of didn't really matter. I learned to walk through the crowded streets slowly, with a instrumental song playing on my mp3, just watching the sky and the people arond me.
I learned to enjoy everything around me by myself.
And I really liked that. I enjoyed observing all the group of friends, boyfriends, families...I liked to sit on the benches and watch the clear blue sky or the cloudy one. I really adored watching a movie and walking down streets just reflecting about the messages it carried. I learned to love life even though I had no one close enough to share it with. I was seriously happy liked that, I loved to live in my oh-so-called 'bubble'. I felt free and independent, I even scoffed at those (in my mind) 'needy' type of people. Sometimes I wondered what it would be like to have a really close friend, but since I had none it made no difference. It's not possible to miss what you never have.
But last year things changed. I met two people, a guy and a girl, that became the most amazing friends I ever had. With them I could share everything. They were more my friends in a year than most of the ones I had for a decade. They knew every little aspect of me, they could tell if I was happy or sad even on msn, depending on how many exclamation points I used, if I sent a little smile or not.
I learned to enjoy life with friends. I went to the movies and we laughed about the silly things, talked about the serious ones and drank over the ones that made us reflect on our own lives.
However, now all is changing again. I quit my job, so I won't see one of them quite so often. Not only that, she is sick. Seriously sick, as in, can die evetually sick. And that kills me as well. I can't imagine my life without her, not anymore.
And him...he is going to start living a busier life in another city. We will only talk through msn during the weekends and that kills me too. I can sense us growing apart already, and I don't want that to happen. I can't imagine my life without him either, not anymore.
Now that I know what's like to have not only one, but two great friends I just don't know what to do. Before I could go on just fine, but now that I know what's like to have it all, how can I go back to being alone? How can I go back to that? Laugh alone at the movies, have no one to discuss deep subjects with me, no shoulder to cry on, no friend to celebrate something with. How do I go back to enjoying life alone?
As I said before, I don't usually get attached, but now that I have, these two people occupy a large piece of my heart...how do I simply let go of everything? I know it's silly, cause it's only been a year...but we connected to one another like we never did to anyone before...I am afraid that distance and time will break us up.
I just...don't know what to do anymore.