Catch 22

I'm in college right now, and I'm almost done with my first year. it's been nearly 9 months and I've never felt more alone in my life. I have spent my entire life up until now with my twin, so it was never hard to be without others in my life since I have had her, an unconditional best friend. We are both often told that we are very pretty, and we are both intelligent (going to prestigious colleges now). Together, we often feel unstoppable and we also often forget that anyone else in the world exists. Thus, we never had any problem making friends while we were together (Because isn't that the way it works? You don't give people the time of day and they flock to know you). We always complemented each other and boosted each other up in situations where the other would otherwise have looked dumb or unattractive. And somehow, we each managed to retain separate and distinct personalities--she becoming more of a sporty intellectual, me becoming a full-fledged artist. Both of us never really felt like we needed others in our lives. We both enjoyed solitude and never really understood what boredom was because we were so good at entertaining ourselves, used to having a mom who kept us in the house for the majority of our childhoods, having just each other for playmates, and moving around to new places quite a bit. But now that we are apart, I'm beginning to wonder if my desire for solitude and my hatred of loneliness is a very bad combination. I have probably two actual friends here, and many acquaintances who have never really seemed very interested in invited me places. I am so used to having someone who gives me my solitude and can explain it to others so that they don't completely reject me and are there when i am ready to come out of my hole that I don't know how to do that for myself. I am realizing more and more that I am socially awkward because I've never really had to try so hard to make friends. I'm used to having guys flocking to get my number and now it seems like they simply overlook me or are repelled by me. I am as nice as possible to everyone I meet and I am afraid that sometimes I look desperate. But I just really want a good group of friends to party with and to go out with and to play guitar with and to give me my space when i need it but be waiting for me when I don't. All in all It's really hard to make friends when you are a person who tends to switch between bouts of solitude and the desire to be outgoing and have fun with people and when you are used to having someone who can explain this to everyone and fill your silences with a good word. i want to have my alone time, but I want that to be my choice. I don't want it to be because no one wants to be around me. I am a passionate person when it comes to many things. Friends, lovers, music, learning. I just wish that I could somehow show everyone that. It's so hard to force myself to get out there, especially when the lack of practice has made me so awkward. I really hope that there are some other people out there who can identify with me. Right now I just feel so completely and thoroughly alone.

idlost idlost
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 26, 2009

your story makes me feel a bit better, i think its awful that others feel as i do but am comforted a bit to know i'm not the only one. thanks for sharing its relaly helped me and i hope so so much that things get better for you.

I am amazed at how much i feel the same as you. I did not have a sibling though, so never felt the up part that you describe. You are going through a very hard time now, but I hope because you have the past experiences you do, you will be able to inport some of the dynamic you had as a twin into your own personality. And you know what you are looking for! That will help. Will you go home for the summer? I hope that will be a balm to your soul.