The Little Boy Inside. The True Story Of The Man I Am.

Once upon a time a boy was born with a monster for a mother and a heartless theif for a father. The boy hated everyone with a human body. He fought for survival every day of his life. His father left him with his mother, knowing it was best for the boy. The mother left the boy exposed to men and women who didn't care. To feel there lack of care would freeze the human heart dead, to a stop. The boy could feel others around him. They sometimes forgot to feed the boy. As a result he would steal his own food. He would find and eat there drugs. He would get drunk. He hated knowing he was just like them but he told himelf all humans were alike. He was evil by nature.

One day the boy passed out asleep. He had hid in the cloths pile and he awoke again a few hours later. He began to climb out of the pile when he felt a coldness. It wasn't sure what it was but his body was cold. He thought he was just feeling the frozen hearts of his parents. But when he reached out to move the last cloth. He found a frozen tundra. He was mystfied. he forgot his hatred for the first time. The world made sense. He began to feel curosity, undrstand, belief, and his bitter heart once felt a tinge of happiness. The trees were tough and strong. And there cold touch would reach out to him as if to give him a hug. His limbs stretched out like long claws pulling him up and up. Finaly he reached the top and saw the sun shine and down below what he saw he will never forget. The sun glinted off the snow, a mystical sound he now knows as music played in his mind as stared out into the sea of gleaming golden snow. The blue sky and pale blue snow stole his heart away. He felt filled for the first time. He saw pens, and paper. Memories and he felt the first real conscious instict to write. It was a forign idea and he did not know what "write" was. He did not understand letters and words. But he had something to fill him. He heard a voice say this was a "dream"

 a kind of human ambition. And dreams give people a filled feeling called hope. So the boy knew hope and dreams. He would awake in his hell hole of a lif again and hunt for food so he could sleep and go back. He went to the land of snows, trees, and voices so often he often woke and his body was already stealing food and finding safe places to sleep and so he stayed in his dream world.

  One day the boy was screamed at. He wasn't given a pillow. He was told there were no pillows. he had to use his blanket. The boy had been asleep in his world for a long time and did not understand what a "pillow" was. Or why he wanted one. Why was in plain sight of this "man" men are evil. All people were evil, small, big, werid, "normal" ,"smelly" , he told himself that he should not be argueing they would beat him for argueing. But this man did notbeat him. But he would not give him his pillow either. He had to use his blanket for a pillow. When he layed down he felt cheated and sad. But life was not so bad. He never felt so comofortable before. Day after day he would wake up just before sleep time to think about his life among "people" and he would feel comfortable and sleep. ANd he would go to his dream world afte rthe "black sleep" and then he would go into his "people sleep" and see the peoples and then his bed. BUt day after day he lost his stuff. They kept taking his stuff and he got mad. The boy went to the land of snow and let his anger out. He then saw a people.....a small people with strange was a people in his land. He wanted to hit the people, he wanted to kill this people, his place of safety. No one entered his place. But he could not move. He could not look down. He did not have hands or legs he realized. THe people.....had red eyes and looked angry. The people exploded into a red light. And when the boy could see.....his trees......his snow.....was all gone..............he cryed and cryed......and he looked at the people and saw him kneeling and he was also crying....and he lost controled and sobbed without time. FInaly he looked down and realize dhe had ahnds again. He had feet. And then he realized this was him....he blew up his forest, his snow, his anger did this. He did this too himself.......He woke up again and more time ha dpassed an dhe had a place to live in for many months. He found a grandma who was kinder then most peoples. OF course there was no such thing as a nice person. but he found a book, he saw "words" and he remebered his time in his forest. He remebered his snow and his hope that was gone....because he got mad. But he learned a new emotion he was lonily. So alone and sad. Grandma mad ehim feel that way he thought i was all her fault. And then he saw the picture of a forest......filled with treses and animals. Animals were not evil he thought they were kind. They were cute little bunnies and scary scary fish who lived deep inside the sea. He went back and he made a forest. FOr the first time he made a forest. He was so happy. He didnt use anger he had hope, he did not know how becaus ehe didnt have a dream, but his hope made him a forest. day.....he woke up after his forest and he realize dhe had a little human brother. And his brother would get hurt by a evil man. He remebered feeling the cold hearted people but this man had a angry "Red" heart. It was filled with hatred that he felt for those cold hearts. And he hurt his brother. He did not understand who his brother was or were he came from but damn it that was HIS BROTHER! and then the man hurt him. And he was sad and angry for the first time and went his forest to cry. Well he saw through the eyes of the "footless" the 3rd person perspective of himself. He called a footless because he saw no feet looking down. And he was crying so many tears. And he was a strong man in this forest. He dreamed of being strong so he could protect himself and his brother from this man filled with hatred. And a girl about the age of himself came through the forest. He did not care he was angry. She would come to him and tell him it was ok and he would sometimes cry to her and tell her his problems. She would gentley touch his arm. SHe soothed him. But one day he ignored her, he said to her that all he was a failure. There were better people themn him because he was evil for letting him and his brother be hurt. And he would ignore day after day until one day she did not come to him anymore. He knew this girl was pure hearted, kind, and was very loveable. She saw herself as a human and was magestic in everyway. She was more pretty then any tree or any snow he ever saw. She was the first "people" he liked. One day she did not come day after day he wished she would come. "HE scream I will talk to you if you come out of hiding and talk with me." The lonliness came into his heart again and some time had past and the angry man stoppd hurting him and his brother but, this girl did not come. And a footless came and told him she had died. She heard his cries and she longed to come comfort him. but she had killed her human body to escape the pain. He was her dream, he was her hope. And that when he ignored her she lost that hope. ANd he saw she was the footless. And she could not come anymore because she had died and had to go somewhere else. The boy never forgets this story till this day. She died because he hated people, because he blew up forests and only thought of himself, because he was foolish.

I look back on thos emoments of my life and finaly believe they all happened. Those dreams were as real as this story. More real because they taught me the reaon to live. They gave me a reason. They gave me myself. Throughout my life. I learned thing that in reality i could never learn.

And i made a code, a code for myself.

1.I live for others who deserve to live.
2. The moment that defines is the moment i would die to save someone because my life is the biggest gift i can give to someone.
3.I cannot die for everyone therefore i must live for those i would die for.
 4. life happens through me. In every realm it is this human that decides how much help i can for others. Therefore i will live my life for this these set of beliefs and for myself.
5. I am always weak in some context and i am always god in some context. I am strong to some so they look up to me and other look down on me for my lack of trength compared to them. I will always try to make myself the best person i can be.
6. I can serve people better if i am happy, healthy, and safe. I must do this first before i can look after anyone else.
7. I can serve, live happily, be stronger, and serve all my abitions all at once. Therefore i shall act with multiple intentions.
8. I will trust my philsophy and myself with my life. It is the only thing that has given me this code, this handful of worlds, and anything else i have ever or will have in life therefore it is the only thing i can trust beyond a doubt. does not mean it is always accurate.
10. I must always sharpen my lens and see my true self more clearly and understand them better.
11. i am a reflection of everything that i am.
12. to be good is to be evil intentions are all that matter and the acuracy of my actions.
13. people are stupid in general and do not care therefore with those i cannot trust i dare not even Try to share.
14.I must live each moment to push my goal to the furthest point.
15. I will not take things too seriously and not beat myself up for it.
16. I have more importan tthings to do then deal with or tolerate complete arse holes.
17. I will not berate myself for my actions. It wastes energy and takes away from who i can be.
18. I will be me, i will change only if i want to change.
19. I will not be afarid to learn from others.
20. i will someday write down every single rule down in the physical realm in full context and explantion so that there will beno mistake on how to live my
21. rule 20 exists so that i may inspire and give people a immense basis of wisdom to learn from.
23. emotions are not the meaning of life, nor is goals, dreams, hope, or helping people.
24. I will always strive to discover the true meaning of my life while living to help all those that i can.
25.I am good enough when i am dead. and cannot do more.
26.I will love everyone, strnagers, murders, soulless heartless bastards and men like in my story.  simply because to be hateful,cold, and what they are exists or did exists and lies the potential to be something good.
27. i will not help a lost cause.
28. i will not put one person ahead of the cause of all the people i will help.
29. those who help me the most i put first usualy.
30. fairness does not exist in the natural world, therefore it is "fair" for me to make my own descisons and be my own person.
31. no one can live my life better then me.
32. I will finish this list later.
Tarxarin Tarxarin
18-21, M
Sep 16, 2012