The Conditions Of Living In Paradise On Earth

My mother was born into it. Her father was a traveling Overseer and an ""Elder" elder. Her mother did as told and never seemed to smile. I loved my grandparents dearly. My grandfathers love was comfort and strength. He could turn it off in the blink of his eye.
My mother married another witness. They were young and suffered there own damages from there being raised JW in it's highest dysfunctional form. They divorced when I was very young. My mother was of course disfellowshipped for this act. I remember she cried often. It's hard for a child to see her mother cry and not understand. She tried to please her parents but struggled with raising me and my sister the way she had been. She was very smart and knew it had damaged her so many ways.
Most JW's associate love thou fear and guilt. Many have low self esteem if any. Psychological issues. Fear of abandonment. I could go on. I think the worst is the feelings of being inadequate. Not belonging or fitting anywhere. Tortured souls. Very hard overcoming or learning to live with some of these issues.
My mother became pregnant and married a worldly man to disguise her fornication from the church. He was an alcoholic and she was scared of him. She wanted to leave but her family didn't want to hear or help. One night he shot her to death as she lay on a couch begging for her life, defenseless. He killed himself next. I scooped up my 3 year old sister and gathered the courage to step over his dead body to get us out of the house. I was 9 years old. I will never forget and wish often I could. For more than a day. Whats it like to just be normal.
Afterwards I tried to be a JW. I wanted a relationship with my grandparents more than anything. It made me feel close to my mother. You don't tell a traumatized child her mother died because she was worldly. You don't try to bribe the child with the promise of seeing her mother again if she follows the conditions they have laid out. Weather that's what you believe of not you don't put it to a child's mind this way.
I chose not to try to keep up the double life. I've always understood they can't really help it. They live in fear and use fear as a tool. Must be as hard and exhausting to live that way. I'd suffered enough damage and disassociated myself from the church at age 16. I suppose I validated there expectations. What do you expect from the daughter of a worldly woman.
Break the cycle and chain of abuse. There is always a balance. Believing in God, family, friend, neighbor and self shouldn't feel like an oppressive chore to complicated to preform. I've never been in a kingdom hall where people smiled and seemed happy to be there. They offer "paradise" and the price truly is your soul. It can get better tho. Soul searching and simply thinking for yourself with logic and reason instead of guilt & fear so clarifying.
4JanPriceOwen 4JanPriceOwen
36-40, F
3 Responses Jan 18, 2013

you should read my story about the happen to me by the jw's.

i stoped going to the kindom hall at 13 years old. my ********* father stoped also.

wow i've been to a few different congergations in different towns in different states and all of them had people that smile and laugh and have fun. i'm sorry the kindom hall you went to had sad unhappy people that must of been a crappy town. thats mest up that guy shot your mother and then him self. you were only nine and you had to pick up your three year old sister and bring her out of the house you poor girl i'm sure you were very brave. i'm glad he didn't shoot you and your sister.