Things I Remember At 2:41am

I think I literally felt it when it was being ripped out of my body. I gasped in pain and in shock at the suddenness of it. I imagined a great big hand reaching into me and pulling out a part of me. It landed in the water, staining it a deep, sad red. I stared at it for a long time, all the while aware how gruesome and morbid the whole situation was. I finally flushed it away, but to this day I can't ever flush it out of my mind.

I felt so alone, more than I had ever been or have ever been since. Have you ever committed abortion in secret, in those strange ghoulish hours between night and dawn, while your family is peacefully asleep? Have you ever silently borne the few minutes of excruciating pain, curled up in a fetal position (how ironic), sweating and chilling under a harsh fluorescent light that you switch on hoping that the brightness will somehow lessen the horror, the guilt, the sickening fear? When I think of what complete loneliness looks like, I always think of that small bare room bathed in white light. I see myself balled up on the bed, sobbing noiselessly, feeling so much yet also feeling so empty. When I remember that night, I think I understand what dogs and wolves are saying when they howl up at the moon. My heart is breaking, they cry. My heart is breaking, I am all alone, and this is what loneliness sounds like.
delred delred
26-30, F
Sep 18, 2012