Not One Thing Has Changed

Just over twelve years has went by since I first started this small non-profit organization. I put my heart and soul into every project and every program. I named it, I run it, I work it and I live it. It is not just some group that says they are gonna do something and never does. We set small goals and we do our best to meet them.
Maybe that is why it effects me so deeply when year after year - nothing ever seems to change. I live in a community that does not support anything and it is as if the life, the luck, the hope and the happiness is slowly but, steadily being drained from my heart, my soul and my spirit.
I wake up every single day and think to myself that its a brand new day and something amazing is going to happen. When I go to bed every single night, I ask myself why do I keep hoping when it doesn't do any good?
Here it is the last month of the year and we are no closer to get things done as were at the first month of the year. I don't want to hear that its the economy because when the economy was good, no one around supported anything at all. That is why so many businesses here have closed up and moved on.
I spent this week visiting with everyone that I could think of to try and scrape together some donations to help the people and the animals that we work with and I came home empty handed. I can handle no. I have heard it before and I have heard it all of my life. What I cannot handle is the sarcasm, the cruelty and the downright rudeness that a simple question gets me.
If someone wants to say no, all they have to do is to say no. They do not have to tell me that if I kill all of the animals I wouldn't have to be raising money for their medical care or for food to feed them. I don't need to hear that if more people would die we wouldn't have to worry about helping them.
I don't need to hear about the gruesome, gross thoughts that are on the mind of some people. I really don't. What I do provides me with more than enough sadness, negativity and grief. I don't need it thrown into my face.
Last night was the first time in a long time that I just wanted to throw my hands in the air and say, "I give up". I came home after a thirteen hour day of trying to get donations and hearing no and horrible scenarios of what needed to be done to all of the animals and people who are down on their luck, I threw my bag on the floor and just fell onto my couch.
My head was killing me, I had the worst headache I have ever had and
I was seconds away from crying like a loved one had died. I closed my eyes and thought to myself that if I had someone that I could talk to about all of it I might not feel so alone in what I am trying to do.
If there was just one person besides my son and my husband who live it every single day with me, maybe, I could get beyond this sorrow and think up some really creative campaign that would go viral and I could raise a ton of money and my families and animals who need so much would be okay?
Well, the tears finally came because I don't have anyone. My friends left a long time ago. They couldn't handle the fact that I cared so much and that I was not always available to go and do and whatever.
Some donors who used to donate quit donating because I wouldn't take their animals in when they didn't want them anymore. I am not a freaking animal shelter and if I cannot raise money to help someone else's animals, how am I gonna care for all of the ones that no people don't want anymore.
I didn't even realize how much time had passed until my stomach started hurting. I had cried for well over thirty minutes. It was as if someone had died.
I felt horrible. I felt more alone than I have ever felt. I am tired. I am worn out and I am burnt out. No help is coming and I know it. No one will be there when I go out again tomorrow. There is no one to turn to and say, "Wow, no donations again. What are we going to do?"
There is no one to say to me that it will get better. No one to tell me that something good is going to happen.
I already know that we will be forgotten again this Christmas. Our donation jar will sit there and collect dust. There will be no Secret Santa that will unexpectedly deliver gifts on my door step. I already know that the animals that we need to help will die and the families who need help will get nothing.
No. I am not a fortune teller. I am just someone who has been there far too many times.
If only one time a miracle could happen? If only one time someone was there to say that it is going to work out. If only there was a shoulder to lean on that was attached to someone who really and truly cared. If only the people I am trying to get the donations from knew what was really going on maybe they would be more willing to donate something. They are just too busy to see what I look at every day.
Thanks for listening. I have to sign off and go cry a little more so that I can get it out of my system before another long day comes. I have to keep my chin up and I have to keep pushing myself. If I get five dollars well, that five dollars is more than what I started out with .
Not all non-profits have high paid CEO's and not all non-profits pocket the money for their own personal use. Some of them actually do care and some of them actually do what they were created to do. Some of them are unfortunate enough to be stuck in a tiny little town where one cares.
With kleenex in hand, I say goodnight.

busybettyboop busybettyboop
46-50, F
Nov 30, 2012