To See Myself Reflected In Another Persons Eyes.

 When i was at university, I did an entire degree solely because one of my tutors looked at me and for an instant i saw that i was there. Crazy huh. I followed through 3 years of hell, since I don't handle the pressure of evaluation (IE grades) that well. At first i thought I loved him, but that wasn't it. I wanted recognition, to look into his eyes and see myself there; reflected, in existence and therefore real and worthwhile. I never had any romantic designs on him, I just wanted that look, to know I was here.  It never occurred to me that the intensity in which i sought that would, possibly, freak him out.  I don't know if it did or not. i now realize i probably barely even registered in his life.  But, that's how it was and now i have a piece of paper that has no value to me. I wanted to burn it, to reduce it to ashes so that I may never be reminded of my folly and my failure again. but, I gave it to my father instead.  My psych was with me through out all this. I do exist he says, and yeah that i know, now. but, I am not really alive either. my life is a limbo, I exist between this world and some other place I am cannot even name. Oh I exist. I have no choice.
DarkPhoenix DarkPhoenix
31-35, F
1 Response May 9, 2007

You were existing in May last year. I hope that now, in this new year, you are doing more than that.