I Go Back And Forth Like A Diner Waitress On Roller Blades

"Oh the trouble I've seen..la la la "  Well it's a song of sorts lol.......But yeah life has crapped on me a lot of times...here's the ABC's of it in brief..
A. molested,beaten,degraded and deprived all through out my childhood
B.Gang raped by five guys as an introduction to sex.
C. After years of fostering and building a family with four children (one of them just a baby) trying to adopt them, lost, and had to give them up to strangers

There's more but you get my gist....So lots of reason to be really down on the world and other people, and I am , some of the time. Huge issues with trust that cause most of my relationships to self implode after a year or two. Yet I still keep trying, still keep moving towards others and attempting to trust, attempting not to sabatoge. It is human nature to gather, human nature to need to bond with like souls. But I am damaged goods....Not capable of being vulnerable, as soon as I am I sabatoge the friendship. I don't want to give up hope. I am like the man who has been both poor and rich and would rather be rich, have been hopeless and that is no way to live.

I believe in manifestation, I believe we can create our lives to reflect our needs, and some days I am right there. But I can't sustain it...The me that is that damaged little girl is always there in the back ground hiding her face and crying, saying I still need you, this is who you are. then I go back and wallow in the grief.

I know that good feeling when your life just clicks, When everything is falling into place and you can't believe how good it all is, how right it all is. I also kinow life is static, I know we all have hills to climb, I know there are thorns on the roses, but because of that little girl back there when things do go wrong it becomes devastating to me, I lose HOPE and I keep thinking no one else could ever understand that. But I bet you do.....You know where I am coming from, otherwise you would not have gotten this far into my story.

Well thats my contribution for today, I am HOPEFUL that I gave more than I got. 

 

bjoys2004 bjoys2004
46-50, F
Jul 17, 2010