Ruined My Acute Sleep Deprivation Last Night

I had gone 46 hours in a row without sleep and the reason I did it was because my OCD-related compulsive need to develop psychosis was so strong I was willing to try anything. I tried combining my excessive sleep deprivation with Salvia Divinorium but I had never smoked anything before so I ended up wasting it without smoking it properly. I inhaled something but I didn't hold it in long enough and I didn't take a big enough hit so nothing happened. It didn't metabolize in my lungs before I exhaled and while I thought I might have felt a very mild buzz I got no hallucinatory experience from it.

I'm hoping that in addition to sleep deprivation, regular Salvia use will increase my chances of success.

Back to the sleep deprivation. The first time I felt guilty from something my therapist had said and I stopped what I was doing after 22 hours. By the 21 hour mark I couldn't tell if something was starting up or not. I thought my first sleep-deprivation related hallucination was starting but I couldn't tell if it wasn't just my wishful imagination because it was so faint. I eventually gave up that time.

The next time was my 46-hour run. Again, at the 21 hour mark I could already notice the exact same thing but this time it was a little bit louder and it was harder to believe it was just wishful thinking. It was still a background noise and it was a disappointing one because this auditory hallucination was simple and repetitive.

It was repetitive "hah" noises at varying lengths and pitches. The pitches and lengths were directly related to how much I focused on the noise.

If I focused in on them 100% they would be slower and lower pitched than when I didn't focus. This made it sound like fiendish laughter, maniacal laughter or something in between.

Focusing out made the "hah" noises speed up and get so high pitched it didn't sound like laughter anymore it sounded like seagulls making seagull noises.

I could also get it somewhere in between by going half-way.

This lasted the entire time I was in bed from 12:00am until 6:30 am as well as immediately when I stood up but by the time I came out of the shower it was gone.

By then I was starting to think it wasn't what I hoped it was. Maybe it was just my mind trying to make up for the lack of stimulation in my dark room by creating hallucinatory noises.

That was my explanation for the 6.5 hour duration in my dark room of something that stopped pretty much as soon as I stepped into the light.

I went through the daytime without my impairments being that severe at first but it got worse really fast. The sleep deprivation had impaired my hand-eye coordination and made me a bit clumsier through the dulling of my proprioception. I couldn't feel where my arms were with the same percision as I when I was fully alert and the same went with the rest of my body but especially my arms, hands, and head.

I tried to hide the fact that I was sleep deprived from my parents because they had caught me doing this before. It was slightly difficult to hide but it became exponentially difficult the longer I stayed up. By 6:00 PM on Friday I was extremely hyper and jittery but my proprioception was extremely shaky. I was supposed to be playing magic the gathering but I was impaired. I laughed at everything including a lame pun. It was like what it must feel to be high on marijuana. I laughed at everything. I was so hyper that everything made me laugh.

My hands were physically shaking as I held my cards. People noticed. I had severe tremors and I was starting to feel nauseated. I was starting to get a headache. If I didn't tell them I was sleep deprived they might have thought I was having a seizure. I still manged to end with a record of 2 wins and 2 losses but that's what I do every night. This time I was impaired both physically and mentally by my acute sleep loss.

I came home at around 10:30 pm and I still had the lights on. I noticed something. Even with the lights on I could hear the laughter again. I could even hear it while on my computer. It was back but not in the darkness. This was the first time it happened while I was up and doing something and I felt a little closer to my goal.

At 1:00 am I was lying on the hardwood floor in my room to keep myself asleep but my anxiety was through the roof and that doesn't even manage to describe it. It was killing me along with the physical symptoms. I felt like I could puke, my headache was continuing to develop but it still wasn't as bad as it could be. The worst part was the severe anxiety.

I hadn't even reached my goal. I hadn't reached a psychotic state but at the time I desperately needed to because I was tired of my own sanity. I thought maybe if I slipped it would get scarrier but my anxiety would decrease because I wouldn't be so desperate and I wouldn't be as aware. I kept saying to myself, I can't take it anymore and I need to reach my goal soon. Maybe it will distract me from my physical pain if things get even worse mentally.

I kept saying, I hate holding on. I want to let go. Why can't I just lose it? I wish I would.

In about 20 minutes I could clearly make out the laughter but I couldn't tell if I was imagining a second something starting to come out or if my wishful thinking was making me imagine something being added on.

I was frustrated. I had gone nearly 60 hours without sleep since Thursday at 3 am and all the closest I got to what I wanted was a very simple and unintelligent auditory hallucination of laughter. I wanted to hear a voice so bad and I didn't notice any change of mindset yet. I wasn't even close. My one minor success was so underwhelming. Instead of making me feel like I was getting somewhere the laughter was underwhelming. I wanted more and so maybe I imagined more or maybe I was just getting to the point with something else that I had previously been at with the laughter. Was it so faint because it was starting to come in the way the laughter did or was it my wishful thinking and imagination?

I never got to find out. I needed some kind of comfort to help me through the night. I needed my blankets. I didn't want to fall asleep but my anxiety was so high I just couldn't cope while on the floor. My anxiety was killing me and I just wanted something soft to squeeze so I could continue on more easily. I went in my bed and got my cell-phone light and I looked at it to stay awake. I still ended up falling asleep.

When I woke up I was extremely disappointed. I thought it had all been a waste and I had been sent back to where I started. I thought I was fully recovered at least in the first five seconds. If I didn't notice that I still wasn't back where I started I might have given up and I'd be going to sleep tonight but I felt better to realize that not everything was undone.

It is a lot like it was after the 21 hour mark. I still hear the same laughter but it is so faint that it would be hard to tell if it wasn't just my imagination if I hadn't been here the first time. It is like I was reset back to the 21 hour mark. I recovered somewhat but thankfully I don't have to start over completely.

Tonight I won't sleep. Tonight I will start trying again. I absolutely must destroy myself. I have to torture myself to insanity.

I haven't given up.
chrysalid chrysalid
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 1, 2012

why do you want to destroy yourself

When I wrote this I was so tired of stability in my perceptions. I didn't want to be in the same waking state anymore. I thought even psychosis would be preferable no matter how terrifying. Having symptoms similar to psychosis related to sleep loss was the closest I could hope to get except for maybe stimulant psychosis. I knew that depriving myself of sleep was something an objective person would consider destructive. I didn't see it that way but since the thing I wanted to do so badly was what most people considered self-destructive I realized from an objective point of view my desire to abstain from sleep was also a desire to damage myself. When I said I must destroy myself it was my way of criticizing myself and reminding myself that most people would consider my desired behaviour to be self-destructive. I didn't actually want to destroy myself because I didn't see my behaviour as self-destructive in the first place.

I'm a lot more emotionally stable right now. I still need a change in mental state to an extent but I'm not dying without it. I sometimes feel like I want to abstain from sleep for four or five days but the temptation is fleeting. It comes and goes. Right now I'm trying to find psychedelic drugs to satisfy the same psychological need. A friend in a slightly distant suburb is trying to help me out. If she can find something I'll still have to travel a little bit to meet her but I'm willing to do that.