Why Am I Alive

I went from having everything to being a homeless waif on the streets.  with nothing on me but the slight white summer skirt and tank top i set out with.  Walking the city streets in the hot summer sun, feeling like a kid again!  Having lost everything and lived in such horror, this freedom was beautiful and inexplicable.  I embraced the sense of having nowhere to go, no one to see, and kind (though always with ulterior motives) hands reached for me constantly.

There was a fire, many police, i had to testify against my lover for harming me, I was so afraid he'd come for me I  was trying to get a gun ( i HATE guns).  I can't really tell my story of 2009 in a paragraph, but alot happened beyond that, and now I'm in a safe place, with a high paying job, and being functional is the daily goal, but the problem is I dont really care!  This isnt what I want.  I need to know why i'm alive and accomplish that mission!  I dont like to merely exist, I am basically just continuing to breathe until LOVE and Joy and synchronicity flows in waves again and I FEEL alive again, cause Im alone and I cant bare it!  I NEED to understand all of me all my lives and why I am alive

asha asha
26-30, F
1 Response Mar 3, 2010

you sound like me 7 yrs ago,i walked out with my son,and one on the way with the clothes on our back,and did the cour thing and haveing to rehash and rehash the details it sucked,i still have flashbacks and nightmares,but am greatful everyday for what i have,i used to wonder why i was spared when so many arn't and i think it's to raise awareness i tell my story to anyone who will listen and try to help anyone who comes to me and wants out....i think if you look within your heart you will find your reason,i don't call myself a victim because i am alive i call myelf a survivor as well as you are too....good luck with your new life and i hope only the best for yu in the future....