Romanticide. That is my pen name for my books and poems, either that or XxLadyHolicxX, the latter my favorite to use. I gave myself the name Romanticide because I am loved the wrong way by my family, and in my attempt at relationships, to find someone who could love me for me, I got my heart broken. All for the reason that I was too serious, one account where I was accused me of acting like we were married. I don't love easily, never have, but words and actions still bruise a heart. Recently I broke up with a guy I seriously loved. And the worst part was that he actually did love me. The first guy to ever. But he didn't show it. Two years of this, close to three this year. We only saw each other once every three months, I was still in high school but he was two years older than me and lived in the town next to mine.

That hurt maybe the worst. I tried so many ways to see him, in fact I was the one who always managed to get us together in those rare times we saw each other. I hated it. I wanted him to take on some responsibility, to share the burden of our relationship I held on my shoulders instead of stay home and play video games and just rot away doing nothing all year. And looking back on it now I'm so angry at myself that I was okay with that. I took care of everything for prom back in May, that was my awakening sadly. I had a great time, but at the end it was eating away at me inside. And since then I wanted to leave him, he knew that I was leaving to college out of state, though only an hour and a half away, and I started thinking maybe it would be for the best. But soon whenever I talked to him, I would feel guilt about what I was considering. Not seeing each other often didn't feel like a good reason to break up with someone.

In June when my class was practicing for graduation(which was on the same day) I swear I saw him there watching. I swear with all my heart that it was him. But it wasn't and I was close to crying. When I finally got home I decided that not every memory was for everyone. He was not coming and I did not want him to taint my memory of graduation(though when it was over someone's grandmother, a girl with the same name as me ironically, was hit by a girl texting and driving). The next day I broke up with him, it hurt but not as much as I thought, because truthfully I've been preparing myself for it since our beautiful night of prom.

Now here is where love at first sight comes in. A month later at my over night trip for college orientation I saw someone. Just the back of his back. I admit the only reason I looked was to appreciate his mohawk. I went about orientation like everyone else as we split up into groups. At 10pm I played Frisbee with a couple of guys because, well, I freaking love Frisbee. But I wasn't as good as them and I ended up doing accidental spits trying to catch the far throws. And to my complete embarrassment I had done a split that looked WAY too sexual for my comfort. At one point I actually fell, and I noticed the football players playing catch next to us. And I only noticed this because I thought they were too close to the parking lot and could hit a car.

An hour later during our break I decided to play pool with the guy who made me do splits. I was SO RUSTY I was surprised that I won, but only by default because he shot the 8 ball in accidentally before his last ball. It may not have been a real win but I felt 100% smug. I left the gaming room and was walking in front of the gym, and stopped completely. Through the glass wall I saw the dude with the mohawk, saw his face. I pulled out my headphones and tried to understand why I was feeling this way. I made up my mind and went into the gym. And yes, I stalled for a long time. I saw a friend from my group and walked on the treadmill next to him, we talked but my mind was on mohawk dude. Finally, FINALLY, I went to him.

And my first words to him were "You're crazy."

Yes brilliant I know.

He laughed, dear lord, he laughed and asked why. I told him it was because they weights he was lifting. His response- "It only takes practice." From then on out we talked while he worked out. He told me his name, which I forgot immediately afterwards. I didn't understand what he said. Zacharias? He asked for mine though, and I stupidly told him my nickname, which is Oreo. He laughed and I was embarrassed as hell. But he told me his, which his friends called him Lark the Shark.When we didn't talk I just watch and tried to figure out what I was feeling and why. I stuttered, got embarrassed and so much that just DOESN'T happen to me. I mean no, I'm not a flirt, but I was AFRAID to like with this guy. He gave me butterflies, I have NEVER had butterflies before. Boys didn't make me nervous. So I decided to be blunt. When it looked like he was about to go I tapped him on the shoulder and motioned for him to lower his head, which was funny because he didn't get it at first. I whispered "I think I like you." (Because I didn't know what I was feeling)

I ran after I said it. Right out the gym, down to the lobby and into the computer room where my nerd herd was. I hid behind Allen when I say him come down the stairs, I was disappointed when he passed by towards the bathroom. So in my own little pity party I slumped down into a chair and watched my new friends play games. I did not notice when someone say down next to me until I started getting a funny feeling. To my absolute horror he was sitting there. When I had his attention he smiled and said hi. And I responded back with a really lame hey. After a long moment of awkward silence he asked if I wanted to go to his room to get to know each other. Naturally I was unsure about that. So I tried to sneak out of it.

Me: I'm in knight Hall
Him: Me too
Me: (Shocked that we were in the same hall, I remembered that I saw most of the boys on the first floor) But I'm on the second floor!
Him: (smiling like a coy devil) So am I.

Could this get worse? It did. I found out he was going to play on our football team and I think that was the were I fell apart. Thinking back to the guys playing catch, wondering if he saw me doing those stupid splits. Was that it? Did he think this was a booty call or something? If he did why'd he chase after me? Why when we were talking to each other before did he tell me the first thing he did before sports was ballet? I mean c'mon, that's not something you tell a girl whose pants you want to get in right?(Right?)

So I ran away from him again. I ran straight to my room took a shower and went to sleep. In the morning I was the first awake, I did my business and went to the lounge to read. A few hours later Jeff came(a fellow member of our nerd herd) and he made POPCORN! It was a good laugh though. Next awake was, you guessed it, Lark. And he smiled and said morning. I barely mumbled it back. When he was out of sight I ran yet again, when I had to come back he was in my seat and I hid behind a wall.

Later on after breakfast, where I caught him looking at me a few times, I got sick. I had eaten the peals of an orange and felt terrible. It was during when everyone was walking to a campus building. When we got to the room I immediately put my folder down and went to throw up in the bathroom. When I got back Lark was sitting right in front of my folder. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I just pretended he wasn't there.

When it was time for our parents to pick us up I noticed that his dad was already there and I had a sudden urge to run to him and say bye. But I held back and watch silently as he left. And ever since I have thought of him.

Who was he to make me feel like a girl( I'm am a tomboy/artist and a gamer, I don't like being girly)? Who WAS he? What did he think of me? Was it too soon to be thinking about a guy? It wasn't lust, or I would have went to his room to see where things went, but if not that then what the heck did I feel when I saw his face the first time?

So now, about two months later, at this very moment I am waiting for my mom to bring me to college for move in day. Wondering if I'll see him or if he'll actually remember me.

Wish me luck.(Sorry for the long story)

P.S.- What should I do?
SisteroftheNight SisteroftheNight
22-25, F
Aug 22, 2014