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Morals

I was 16 in high school living at home with my parents.  My mother was ill.  We didn't know with what yet but knew something was very wrong.  My mother was my everything.  She let me see the kind side of life.  My father adored her.   True love thing.  I grew seeing my fathers dedication to love.  He left her notes. He did for me too.  But I would find the ones for my mom sometimes and my fathers love was so beautiful.  Don't get me wrong he had his faults but his self was true.  Irish boy growing up in the 30's dirt poor.  He told me stories of him being beaten on the way home from school just because he was a Mick.   My father was a survivor he supported his family from the age of 12 due to his fathers untimely death.  He was the middle child of 5 two older sisters and two younger.   What a man.  I was always so proud to be his daughter.  He was rough on me sometimes.  Got the belt .....that was totally acceptable when I was younger. 

I remember when I was about 6 going to see my grandma with my mom.  It was my dad's mom but my father was in the Air force and he was stationed away alot at the time.  So I am gettin on the Elevator with my grandma and mom.  Someone trys to come onto the elevator and my Grandma takes her cane and pushes the person off and says " dirty paki"  and the elevator door closes. 

I looked at my mom with horror. She looks at me and say's she's an angry old woman. 

I left it at that but I remembering feeling .....i don't like this woman.......She's my grandma but I don't like her.  i don't want to be her friend.

My grandma died not too long after that.  So she left a bitter impression on me.  I guess that is why we were visitng. To show me how vile some people can be. 

So back to high school.  My mother is sick my father paniced about my mom.  We are reading To Kill a Mockingbird for English class.  I powered through the book and reread it. 

WOW!  This is the first introduction for me into deep core hatred ......or so I thought. 

The novel moved me I found a sense of right and wrong.  I set my side and was determined to never see the world in black and white.  It was so splendid and colourful.   I lived in a very white city of 180k people and my high school had 2 black family and 2 mixed raced that were adopted.  Nadine.  She was one of my best friends growing up I met her in grade 7 her mom was a while woman who adopted Nadine and her brother when she was 3.  We never discussed race......just was a non issue.  Our neighbours across the street were from Jamacia.  My father loved this family .  Anthea was the daughters name she was my friend also but she was a few years older than me.  I hung out at her house ......our friendship faded but not because of anything other than age.  My father loved the family told me they were great people and Anthea was a wonderful example for me.  Said the family worked hard and were great people. 

Yea my dad wasn't racist.  Grandma was I know this......my dad seeS!

My mother passed away that year.  She fought a short yet very hard battle with Cancer.  Pancreatic Cancer  not a wonderful experince.  Her death changed me forever.  My life was so differnt than my siblings which I didnt mention. ......because I was the youngest of 6 kids from my mom.  One passed away before I was born at birth but he was always considered my brother.  John was his name.  Then I had 4 living ones.  16 years older 14, 12, and 10.  So I was a total accident.    My siblings had moved on and it was just me at home.  I was an only child in a large family.  Basically how I have always looked at my life.

My life for the next few years was full of self destruction.  I went into depression I was never able to deal with my mothers death.   My Dad was in so much pain.  He loved my Mother so much .....His mourning was such a difficult thing to watch.  I ran from my pain but everytime I went home it was there.  With a candle glowing image and my Father with a Bottle and tears streaming down his face. 

Oh so much pain.........how do we help each other ....Booze was an escape.  Didn't work.  So life moves on.  My father slowly starts to live again.  He sells our family home and basically say.  Always here if you  need it but time to fly.  I was a constant let down.  My father always thought I was going to be a lawyer.  I did too.  I was the smart one in the family so my sister need to inform me.  Funny how I was the one who ended up in a abusive relationship......Not soo smart huh sis.

I was working and doing my thing.  I had dated a few guys.  I brought Terrance home one time my father wasn't expecting me to bring a Black man home.  He never really said anything to me about it.  I could tell he was uncomfortable but I thought it was cause Terrance was a Football player and rather large man.  My father was not a small either 6 ft 230 at his heaviest.  I didn't think much of it. 

I moved to Toronto about 30 minutes away.  It was my parents hometown and the source of all the wonderful stories I heard as a child.    I was young and enjoying life working in downtown Toronto living and seeing such a beautiful mulit cultural life.  I had met my bf before I moved to T.O.  but we were not serious just dating.  I fell deeply inlove.  The kind of love my father showed me.  The kind of commitment I had learned was the normal.  

We decided to move in to an aparment together.  I was going to tell my father.  This was as good as marriage to my dad.  You didn't live with someone you married them.  I was fine.  He was from a divorced family and it had deeply effected him and we didn't need marriage so I was convinced. 

So tell my dad.........I am not thinking to much of it. 

I tell my father I am moving in with him.  We are moving in a couple of months and I want you to meet him.  I tell him where we are living and a bit about him.  His mother is from Jamacia.  His father is from Barbados.  He loved our neighbours before this has got to give me some leway I think. 

So my father starts on.....Are you sure.  Is this the best thing for you.  I don't want you to have society look down on you.  I am thinking about the kids.  What kind of life will they have.

OMG my dad is a racist *****.  He is hiding his feeling with excuses and cheap words.

I sat in silence listening to his word....his excuses....his ......well I was disgusted. 

I blurt out...........to my hero whom has just been shattered.  Them man I looked up to ........The man who ...well all I had left.

You haven't even met him.  You are judging based on the colour of his skin.  How can you make any kind of conclusioin on who he is when you don't know him.


I am just thinking of your kids he rambles

Bullshit Dad.....you are thinking about yourself.  Your fears your issues not mine.  If you can't except me with him I don't need to talk to you.  Until you see how wrong you are.  I am done. 

I was devastated.  My own father being a racist ***** ........He didnt' teach me that stuff.  WTF.

My sister called telling me to come home for easter thanksgiving and all that.  Saying they were not racist.  Blah blah blah all excuses. 

2 years passed.  It was approaching Christmas.  Was hard as hell for me  this was going to be my 3rd Christmas without my family.

He called.  I am sending you a Go ticket for you and your bf.  I will pick you up an hour before the res to them show up.   I want to get to know this man you love.

I love you Dad.  You are my hero. 

I was back with my family and my bf was excepted.  My family actully bent over backward for us.  Showed huge support. 

I had my first child my father was the most amazing Grandfather he loved loved loved babies.

He was holding my daughter .........looked at me

I am sorry

I am sorry I didn't realize the saying Indian giver was hurting someone.  I thought it was just a saying.  I didn't see how my actions so greatly affected people. 

I am sorry ......I am sorry for hurting you. 

Wow.  He was 67 years old.  He had morals ........I just taught hime the lesson he had always taught me. 

My father fought his own battle with cancer .....I have been an orphan since 29.  I raise my children with them in my heart.  They don't know my parents but they know me......I am them.

I love you Dad.  I know you are with Mom now.  I know you are proud.
flodials flodials 41-45, F 7 Responses Mar 24, 2012

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wow, what a story. Well written. In some ways parallels my own life. Very honestly done. Thank you

Luv ur attitude, mixed race myself my grandma was Jamacian my grandad African they always accepted anyone of any colour & the way I was raised too my dad was white & my mum always told me that white & black people could have a problem with me for being mixed. If more people had our attitudes to race the world would be a better place! I myself married a guy of pakistani origin my kids are a gorgeous mix of 4 races unfortunately he turned out to be a narcissist & a racist when it came down to it along with his family they told me not to tell people I was half black! He hated me talking 'black' or listening to 'black' music he himself did both these things but the main thing was he told me the kids were Pakistani like I should deny myself & my mother as part of them happy to say i left him nearly 2 mths ago to ensure my kids are not damaged by him & his family will be updating my story & hope to read your experiences of narcissisim thank you for sharing & best wishes for you & your kids

Thank you .......my ex is a Narcissits too.....lol read a few of those stories. Your children must be beautiful. I know mine are....shaking up the genetic pool makes good results.....thanks again

I was raised in a small southern town, the population is 49% white 49% black and 2% other. I was raised to be a racist. I was raised to believe all black people were bad. As children we were not allowed to have black friends. When my brother was 12 he brought a black girl home with him. My dad didn't say a lot then but as soon as she left my brother was told he had better never bring another ____ to his house. We were always told if we brought a black partner home then we would be disowned. Now for as bad as all this sounds, in the south racism goes both ways. I went to schools where there were racism fights every year and cops had to be brought in. One white person could be signalled out and a gang of blacks would beat the crap out of them. I have been bullied by many black people and told that my ancestors repressed theirs and we OWED them. Well my only answer to that was that was hundreds of years ago and had nothing to do with me, and my family was poor share croppers who picked cotton for white families just like theirs did. So this was my experience growing up. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s when I met the most wonderful black woman I had ever met. She was kind hearted and a true friend. She was a great mother and a blessing to know. My eyes were finally opened to how wrong my family was and how wrongly I had been taught. I know now that there are just as many bad white people as black in this world and a lot of those bad white people are in my family. I have since moved to Canada and am proud to raise my son to not discriminate. He only knows there is a difference in the color of their skin, which is all there truly is. He brings friends home and goes to their house. I am so proud of the boy I am raising. Every time I go home I have to hear such ugly words when passing a black person or mix raced kids. Its sad to say but I don't take my son home to visit my family, I don't want him exposed to that way of thinking. I wish I could change them but I know I can't, but what I do know is I will never raise my child that way. He will always be taught that people are people no matter what color their skin is.

Once you remove yourself from that mentality it's so much easier to just see people for people. I have always enjoyed the difference in people. I don't enjoy all people but it's not based on a skintone.

All three girls i know were proud to be with their black man, however they admit she was passed around to his friends, they do this so if she gets pregnant her man calls her a ***** and says she has to prove its his then she gets abandoned for new stupid white meat, all three promissed that their little black girl will never be as stupid as her, worked to make sure she had a good education, saving for collage, then at 15 and 16 they disapear, in each case cops found them in the ghetto, running drugs for the black man they loved, and pregnant, there was nothing these moms could do, now all have multipul black kids, a criminal record, jail and on welfare bringing up more baby breeders and drug runners.and its costing the tax payer billions, why do they do it, because they can, our crying liberal system allows them to get away with things whites would be in jail for, however their are black parents that are tough with their kids and they do succeed, but its very few'<br />
they know the entitlements that used to be for the working poor has now shifted to the baby breeding criminal blacks where everything is for free. Telling it like it is, is not racist, it is what it is.

To be honest with you I am canadian and I know more caucasins on the system then others. I understand that may be your experience but I really do think it's limited. I know that any colour can be drug dealers. It's a problem with the system. I understand the frustration but you identifying it as a colour and then not calling yourself racist is rather hypocritcal. Ignorance comes in all forms and well its not the colour of the skin or the level of education that contributes. It's the willingness to really know.

Thats great you must be one of the lucky ones, years ago i worked on the CNN tower in TO my construction partner was black he was great, married to a black woman, worked hard, nice house polite kids,working high you depend on your partner so I can not say im a racist, however i have found even though the black community in the US is only 13% of the population the jail population is 90% black, in NYC the blacks are 75% of the aids population,you see a lot of racist coming from blacks, I have personally known white girls proud to get involved with blacks and it ends up a horror story, baby breeding, prostitution, drugs, wefare, beatings, sexually brutalized by his friends then abandonment, there used to be s blog for white woman that were with blacks, that got out, OMG what horror, the black woman hated whites for taking their black men, half colored kids are hated by both black and white, I had a white G/F that worked at a childrens home, the kindest person you will ever meet, childrens homes are bursting at the seams with black throw away children, being white she was abused and spit on everyday, she finaly got out her empathy for these kids was a wasted effort, I am happy you have a good relationship but its definatly not the norm, good luck! and god bless you.

Yea well unfortunately he turned out to be a not a good guy. I still believe in what I stand for. Just he is not a good man. I also don't talk to my family once again. They take his side. Oh Narcissits are just so much fun.

you're amazing :) as long as you don't have an abusive husband then people would envy you . and your father is great.

Thanks kindly. My father inspired me to the day he died. He was not perfect. To show his character at 67 and admit and own up to it. Beautiful. I accept we all have many faults. Its the ones who own up to them and take responsiblituy to change them are the true heros in life.

I have 4 BEAUTIFUL mix raced children. I have experience racism many times since. I wrote the story to explain how we need to stand up to Racism at any cost. It was hard and my story dosen't tell you the pain I suffered not having the support of my family. Yet I stood up for what I believed in. Unfortuneatly the Man turned out to be a total abusive ****. Yet my 4 wonderful children are my creations of who I am. My family made me strong. Yet I had the strength to stand up to them. <br />
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Everyone should take a stand!<br />
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Thanks for any support!