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Dating Outside Your Race - Just Not Good Enough

If you will not date someone because of the colour of their skin it would be fair to say that you are a racist. What you are essentially doing is discriminating simply because you do not like the colour of that persons skin, thereby dismissing that person's character.

It's like saying to someone, "It doesn't matter how good a person you are, you just aren't good enough to date".
Scorpio1987 Scorpio1987 22-25, M 21 Responses Jun 24, 2012

Your Response


People might not be Attracted outside of their race. I have no issue with it.

Just because a person does not date outside their race does not mean that they are bigoted. And when you get down to it, despite all the media hype like the Kardashians, most Americans of all races prefer to date among their own race.

I think that everyone has a preference as to...well, everything. One person says I like onions, and the other likes tomatoes. Okay. We're not food. We have personalities. If I like someone, if they are cool, and I really like them. I don't see the skin issue posing a problem for me. Maybe, at first, if I'm not attracted to a certain type...then I get to know them on the real, I will look past whatever it is I didn't like or find appealing in the first place. Most people do have preferences though, whatever it is that floats their boat. Not to change the subject, but what if someone was super cool, the best person, compatible in almost every way, and what if there was even the most minimal, even secret, attraction towards them, BUT.....they were from the same sex as you?? Would you take it there? Just a question. Most people would probably say no because of their sexual preference, many few would look past that,(other persons sex.), but then they would be considered bisexual, or gay, or lesbian, and there goes the labeling again. I wish that we, the human race, could just feel freely without fearing what others think. Or feel that it is wrong to date a black guy, asian guy, mexican guy, fat guy, ugly guy. Do what feels right. (but who determines, what we think is right?) I would date a black girl if I thought she was super my type and we clicked...(I'm more into guys) Or a black guy for the matter...(This life is so complex.) I hate the complexity of it.

I can't agree with that logic. I'll never date sumone taller then me, or someone that has really big feet. It's got nothing to do with the color of their skin, I juz don't prefer it. I don't think the white race is superior I juz find it more attractive. Similarly I prefer tanned skin to really white skin. Beauty is in the eye if the beholder.

Yikes....I have dealt with rasicm due to the fact that I was in a relationship with a man outside my actually caused issues in the relationship as well...very sad ...a person is ...a person...not a color....

Sadly people's opinions and reactions DO affect the way we relate to each other whether we like it or not. It just puts ideas into your head that maybe shouldn't or wouldn't be there otherwise. It is such a shame. Racism is one of those things that greatly infuriates me. It really shows how unevolved some human beings are.

That's a tricky one. To me being racist would mean not considering someone good enough to be my friend because of their race, regardless of character. But a big part of dating is sexual attraction, right ? I can be platonic friends with anyone, but I can't force myself to be physically attracted to everyone...could you ?

Particularly for men, I would imagine that would be very difficult. Perhaps you have other qualifiers: if she's heavy, for example. And as wonderful a person as she may be, if she exceeded a certain weight, you just wouldn't be sexually attracted.

Even though it may feel like rejection to others, I don't really consider it racist to want a partner from the same culture as your own, or one who looks like yourself. The racism is insisting others must do the same, or looking down upon those who don't feel the same way.

Wanting ONLY partners who look different than you, on the other hand, may indicate issues with how you see yourself, imo, but adults still have the right to that choice .

There is nothing wrong with wanting someone thatlooks just like you. In fact ad human beings I think we are more inclined to be attracted to those that are like us. However, when you say that you will outrightly not even consider dating someone from a different race because you find that type of race unattractive I think questions must be asked. Do you mean that of an entire race there is not one single person that you would consider beautiful? I think this kind of thinking shows a great psychological inability to see a human being for their qualities as opposed to just seeing colour. Attractiveness is important, and people like what they like, but I think there is a lot to be said for people that discriminate against an entire race simply because they don't like their skin colour. I also think that anyone that says, "I don't find (insert race here) attractive" has some deep routed psychological issues that causes them to see an entire race as less attractive than another race. The idea that you would not find even a single person attractive within a whole race of people truly astounds me. So much so that I cannot even attempt to explain it because I simply don't understand it. But I agree that people that want to date only outside their own race have perhaps even bigger problems with their self image more than anything. That to me is really sad.

I believe that racism is DISCRIMINATION in any form based on the colour of ones skin. Whether it be with regards to picking someone for a job, or choosing a mate. If you will not select someone based on the colour of their skin, I am afraid that there is no other definition for that other than racism. You don't have to spit on someone to be considered a racist. Its all in the mind.

If you can acknowledge that people have the right to build families within their own culture, let me also suggest that not everyone dates "recreationally"; some date specifically to find a mate, and if the expectation is to find someone within the culture to continue their family and traditions, and raise children accordingly, it wouldn't make sense to get involved with someone who wasn't part of that culture, would it ? And it would not be fair to write someone off as a racist based upon that. Even Martin Luther King, Jr said, "I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law." Understand, it's not my issue; ironically, I'm the child of a very successful interracial marriage (56 years). And I've always found it fascinating that married to a black man, I was not seen to be interracially married, yet my sister, married to a white man, is.

I think you are misunderstanding my point. I am not knocking same race relationships. There is nothing wrong with that. What I think is wrong is dismissing someone purely because of their race. I can perfectly understand why someone would PREFER to date within their own race. That makes total sense. Preference says I prefer coffee but j don't mind tea. That still leaves the option to still have the tea if you can't get the coffee. So if someone said I prefer to date within my race but would not mind dating outside then that is fine. But I think to say I would never date outside my own race is a bit close-minded. There are so many beautiful people in so many different races and cultures out there. That is my opinion.

I think I get what you are trying to say though. Correct me if I'm wrong. What you're saying is that it does not make that person an out and out racist if they choose to date solely within their race. I would agree that the individual may not be an out and out racist indeed, but I would insist that their thinking in this particular instance is motivated purely by racism if that is what they are ultimately basing their decision on. To simplify racism, I just call it discrimination. Whether it be for good reasons or whatever, it is still discrimination no matter how its coated.

You're not hearing me, because I never accused you of that. I just suggested that everyone doesn't "date" with the same purpose. To you, a date might be a movie and dinner, just an evening out. To people in other cultures, a date is an audition for a spouse, and only that. And if the expectation is marriage as a means to establish a family and children within their traditional setting, dating outside that culture doesn't make sense. But that doesn't necessarily make them racist. I mentioned my situation only to illustrate that I can see and respect both sides of the issue.

Okay. I think we may be saying the same thing but saying it differently. Either that or we are not in agreement. When it comes to choosing a life partner should we really place tradition over love? Race over character? I get what you are saying though and I can understand why a person might choose to stay within their own race. I had not been thinking of this from that perspective. But I think what you speak of really is a matter of one being forced to conform by cultural constraints. They are not saying they don't like a particular race, or that they do not find other races attractive. Just that they would find it easier or perhaps more beneficial to marry within their race. I get that and though that is not what I was talking about here, I thank you for bringing another perspective to the argument. I posted this story mainly to challenge the idea of attraction not necessarily choosing a life partner.

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I completely agree - a lot of my friends say things like " I'd never be with a black guy" , I don't understand that ! Just because of the race , that's all it could possibly be . If a white guy had the exact same personality I can guarantee they wouldn't turn him down . It's quite sad really .

It is very sad. It's tough when friends say those racist comments. It can affect you directly and indirectly in so many ways. Very sad indeed.

That's true, I've also seen other friends follow suit so to speak. I'm glad I have a strong, open mind and I am not affected in the same way my friends affect the others around them .

That certainly is very good. If only more people were as strong willed. :-)

Well you know people...they will have their preferences whether anyone approves or not. But I agree with your statement in it's entirety. Color prejudice is just stupid, what ever happened to the character behind the facet?

Yes. Character before skin tone... What did happen to that?

People tend to be attracted to people of their own race. Most sexually related crimes happen within the same race. That's not to say that I think interracial marriages are bad (I'm a product of one) just pointing out the fact that in this case it's mainly because of subconscious preference rather than prejudice.

I think preference is okay.

really? what about personal preference I have gone to school with and worked with memebers of all races and have all kinds of friends but but have not really been attracted to males of a certain race.
Also I am a member of a minority racial group and in high school felt like i was invisible i dont think white boys ever gave a second look never even had a boyfriend until i was out of school

Preference is okay. Preference does not say NEVER. Its like, I prefer tea but I wouldn't say no to coffee. That's how I see preference. And you know, you might have been surprised, sometimes we project our own insecurities onto the people that are around us. So when we feel like we don't fit in, we think that everybody else around us doesn't think that we fit in. I actually believe that many a time we fail to recognise opportunities sometimes because of our own biases. Sometimes we are biased against ourselves. When you do that,you feel everyone is biased against you.

Yes, Good read, Scorpio1987! I will continue reading, but I must say that I agree with the fact that there is some deep rooted-ingrained-thought for simply stating you will not date/marry or you are not attracted to someone outside of your race or of a different skin tone than you. It is not a matter of taste or even semantics. Let's call it for what it is: Racism!<br />
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(For people who feel this way): Why group a whole race together and not see people as individuals? You are then assuming we are clones and have no variation.<br />
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Somewhere you have been taught that- let's say, "dark skinned people", that's really what we're getting at here because they seem to be the least desirable. We've been taught that light/fair skinned (blonde/blue-eyed are the most desirable. And there is a deep seated history in that alone. <br />
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(side note: whoever as a whole group said they'd never date/marry light/fair skinned people? Every race wants to...) Why? It's what we've been taught! Now I'm not talking about a classroom setting of teaching such things. It's subtlety spoken and influenced. <br />
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There was something John Mayer (musician and now infamously shrewd sexist racist) said a few years ago I just can't shake. But boy, did he open a can of realistic worms! He basically said his "man parts are like a white supremacist"...meaning, he is not sexually attracted to black women. WHY? Something inherently ingrained in his psyche that black women are not desirable. But, he did state that he would be dating separately from his "other brain", which meant that although there is an impression in his mind put there by his upbringing and societal views, he is fighting that and opening himself up to the thought (why? because he's drained all of his resources and first choices and this is his last resort? Please, spare us ALL).<br />
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But doesn't he speak for most people? We just aren't used to hearing this spoken so boldly! Let the truth be told, but doesn't mean it's right. It does, however, show that one may "say" they are not prejudice and that it's a matter of taste (and in their heart of hearts, they may not be surface racists), but one must be real with oneself, mustn't one? At least we know! And now we can start to heal, mend and make right. <br />
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p.s.I can understand religion, even culture. But if you grew up right next door to someone and you STILL have issues ba<x>sed upon skin tone?....yep. Right. YOU have issues.<br />
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I read on...

Wow. Thank you for such an in depth and thoughtful response mind purge (what an apt name). I agree with your views on this subject. Prejudice is often disguised under the term "preference". John Mayer just has the luxury of perhaps being more honest than most.

Scorp, am not here to argue or anything. Just went to cite one side of the issue. WE are all guilty of racism one way or the other. All we do is make our side always the right side of the coin. Why not take both sides and see what happens. BluTrvlr is not that kind of guy. Things just become too emotional here that people get messed up. I swear this is a good forum to open up, without even edgy. I just wish every one would respects each others points of view. Because I believe there is more than read the lines. The true issue of racism are far more serious, out there and not just into colors. <br />
@BT thanks for the writting in your reply. And sorry for the hassles here.

I don't know if you properly read BT's reply. Did you not catch the little snide comment about how I block people because I am too "dumb" to have an intellectual debate? That is what offended me about his response. Not his opposing opinion to my post. Please read the replies carefully.

Respect is all I ask for. Is that too much to ask?

No it's not too much. and I can fairly understand. Thanks for the reply.

I am not perfect, I have been on both sides of this coin. Am I a racist? To some extent I provably am, raised in the south and old enough to be set in my ways. Do I want to be a racist? Certainly not, being half Italian I have heard the term "Not quite white, not quite right" enough times in my life. It is just not right. I think about it though and I think I have even commented before. Do I think anyone is not beautiful because of the color or their skin? Of course not. Might I have apprehensions against dating certain ethic groups? I would, but not because of their looks nor any resentment for being seen with them. As an example take Hispanic women, I think they have absolutely stunning beauty. Yet on average I might not feel comfortable meeting all of their family and friends. Not saying they are bad people, nor am I saying all of them have the exact same type of family setting. But on average many are going to have similarities that I may not find myself comfortable with. So akin to why you were saying women need to be cautious of marrying outside of their own religion, what I am trying to say is that it is similar to being with someone of a different lifestyle. Unfortunately to some extent, heritage plays a role in a persons lifestyle. Now the real question comes down to would this stop me from dating them? Provably not, I might give it a try anyways. Yet I would be cautious, in turn making the other person uncomfortable. So I return to what I very first said, I am not perfect.

THANK YOU!!! Your honesty and humility is refreshing. I appreciate your comment. If I could like it ten times I would. I totally agree with you. Culture or heritage does play a big role in our lives. So when you choose a mate it is not unwise to take those things into consideration. As you say, their culture might make you uncomfortable, and your culture might make your partner uneasy as well. But if you do find someone who is just the one for you, issues like that can become none issues. What I like the most about your post is that you acknowledge that though you would be wary of someone from a different background, you would not dismiss them solely on that basis. That is the essence of this post, and you have captured it brilliantly. Thank you.

Well for some of us we do have one tradition in the south. "Mama always told me not to make fun of someone else unless you first make fun of someone else!" Don't get me started on some of the jokes I have heard some of them farm boys tell about sheep. Baaaaah!

Haha... I think Mama was a wise woman. :-) As far as the sheep go... Baaaaah! Say no more. Hahaha...

I think some people may confuse "preference" with "prejudice" in the context of this discussion. To me, it is nearly inevitable that people will come to prefer one race or ethnicity over others as their possible mates. But a preference doesn't preclude any possibility of dating others outside that preference. When that preference comes to dictate absolutely who you can and can't date, then it's slipping over into prejudicial territory.<br />
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Even though I have a clear preference, in what I find attractive among the races, I am not nailed down to pursuing that preference only. And it's a good thing too as my preference would be a very rare man indeed! He would have hair from the Caucasians--Red would be my choice!--eyes from the Asian portion of humanity--the Japanese in particular--and skin color from an amalgam of African and White (the moderately light skinned African-American speaks to my sensibilities as being the most beautiful skin--though the Polynesians are close at hand). I could go deeper into other traits that are more subtle (like maybe the fatalistic humor of the Jews), but in matters of appearance, that covers the main ones.<br />
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Anyone spotting such a person, (unattached between the ages of 40 and 55 . . . though younger still if he's REALLY into older gals), there will be a considerable finders fee involved.<br />
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I totally agree. There is a thin line between preference and prejudice. And I guess you are right about the inevitablity of having or developing a preference at one point or another. Thanks for the description of the WANTED male. I shall keep an eye out. I'll certainly be enquiring about that "finders fee" that you mentioned there. :-) Thanks again.

I'll try to be generous with that fee! I thanks for reading through my bizarre typos--I kept referring to "gals" instead of "guys." Maybe I'm a closet lesbian after all!! LOL!

You know I did wonder. But hey, to each their own. I shall not judge thee. :-) Lol

Well said! You are absolutely right. I believe everyone has a particular taste. I am an black woman that loves black men, but amongst them I prefer, the red toned ones, but I'm married to a very dark man. I have dated outside my race and honestly I didn't see them as a race. I find all type of cultures have very attractive people inside and out and if my husband would have turned out to be any kind of race I would love him, not because of his complexion, but because he is everything I wanted in a man.

Bravo! It's the person inside that matters, not the colour of their skin. Forget race, every culture has it's beautiful traits and it's beautiful people, not so attractive traits and not so attractive people. Just treat people as individuals. Thanks lilredmonkey. Love that name by the way. :-) Lilmonkey...

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I would take HW's words, if that post was from a personal experience, really I feel sorry about it. <br />
But if it's ba<x>sed on general assumption, that wouldn't be all true.<br />
Gypsy might have taken it a bit rough, but I'd go with her. (sorry this thread has made it rough between you)<br />
Really, one can't make someone date a person who is black/brown just to prove to everyone that she or he is not a racist. <br />
There is more to being a racist than just picking on colour skin. You can feel total hate and rejection.

Thank you Ladyryan for your response. I wanted to present one side of racism in this post. There are many. To be a racist one does not have to hate or reject. Seeing another race as not equal, not worthy, not "good enough", these are things that make up racial prejudice. It isn't one thing, it is many things. Imagine I took the most beautiful people in the world and lined them up. Imagine one person comes along and says, all these people are beautiful, except for that Asian woman. Because I have never been attracted to Asian women. NOTE, we are talking strictly about physical appearance here. Would you say that that individual has a valid point, and that simply because the woman is Asian, that is a good enough reason to dismiss her, based on the fact that she is Asian alone? Wouldn't you say that person is crazy? Surely a beautiful woman is beautiful regardless of her skin colour or ethnicity. It's not about forcing someone to date other people, it's about acknowledging the beauty in diversity. If someone came up to me and said, I think all black women are unattractive, even Beyonce. I would think that person was insane. Wouldn't you?

BluTravlr - Did you read some of the offensive remarks left behind? I am well up for a good debate, but I will not tolerate any form of disrespect on any of my posts. Never have never will. If you wish to make a valid contribution to a story of mine, do so, but do so respectfully. Insulting my intelligence by claiming that I have none really won't get you far. I give what I expect in return. I respect you, you respect me, and vice versa. If you cannot be respectful, then please do move along. There are people with good manners and the common decency to respect each and every individual no matter what their point of view is. So if you have no actual valid point to add to this post, then I suggest you stop throwing little snide remarks because I WILL block you. And this is not to say that I cannot hadle an intellectual debate. This is simply to say that I WILL NOT deal with idiots who have nothing better to do than to stir up unnecessary trouble. I sincerely hope that you are not one of those idiots.

Lady and gypsy...noone is asking you to date someone just because of their skin color...they are just saying its questionable when you exclude someone soley because of their skin color...meaning if you met the perfect partner is every way but they were a different race and you refused to date them for that sole reason it would be racist.
That's all.

Dente neither I am saying that I am forced to date someone. But the post needs to take a stand against all kinds of opinion. Things might have been different if the introductory sentence was closed by a question mark "If you will not date someone because of the colour of their skin it would be fair to say that you are a racist (?)" Then maybe we wouldn't be so sensitive throwing in comments based on generalized opinions. And I have to agree with you, things can turn to different story when one can find the perfect partner inspite of their race.

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I think we would be better off focusing on an individuals character and personality and far less time concerned with an individuals race, age, income, degree of attractiveness ect when dating.<br />
My cousin is married to an absolutely beautiful man (inside and out); he is caring, loyal, honest, an excellent provider and a loving father and he just so happens to be black. The man is wonderful and very respected member of our family and oh yeah he just so happens to be black. So what???

That is my point exactly. Character before colour. I think people like to tag the word "preference" to this subject to disguise their dislike for a particular race. Well, preference says this, "I prefer coffee but I can still have tea. But I'd rather have coffee..." That is preference. I would have less of a problem with someone that said, "I prefer Asian men to black men, but I would not say no if a good black man came along. Thank you for your comment. I was beginning to think that there was no hope for this post. :-)

Thank you!

Thank you and I agree with you.

Thank YOU! :-)

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There is a world outside of America you know gypsyblu? People like you give Americans a bad name. I actually would not have minded to have a debate with you on this subject but seeing as you felt more comfortable hurling insults at me as opposed to remaining civil I had to block you. Being on the internet does not give you the right to insult people as you wish. For someone so old you are very immature. Been nice knowing you... Maybe not...

I do not know what to say...gypsy I'm a bit shocked by your response.<br />
Scorpio isn't forcing people to date him... in fact he is clearly just asking that people be open to seeing the beauty and merit in all people of all colors...he isn't calling for forced inter racial dating.. he is asking you to simply think about the ways in which your race and the race of others effects perceptions about attractiveness... lastly the homosexual skin color issue is way off ba<x>se... a black man and a white woman can reproduce, two men of any color cannot, two women of any color cannot...also there isn't anything wrong with a persons sexual preference so that's a but bigoted too...feminism is a big voice for all minorities and the rights of all humans...I'm saddened.

that would be like, me telling you ............ok, since you are a guy... u have to be open to dating gay men ...why? cause if you don't.....means ur a racist towards gay people......... arent gays good enough for you to date scorpio? <br />
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I prefer to date other types, what is wrong with that? is not racist. <br />
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you are being racist towards me.... you are belittling me for my choice to date out side of black people..... trying to convince me I'm wrong in my decision..... not allowing me to have the freedom to date who I want. you are just playing the race card looking for attention.... that's all,im sick of society / sick of people like you scorpio that <br />
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try to convince me that because, im a white, blonde, blue eyed women, that im a bad person, cause i wont date you or any other blk man ... get real, and you say ur educated? <br />
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have you e- mailed others like u did me in the last 40 hours demanding that i explain my self to you ......i dont think u have.<br />
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getting a taste of ur own medcine, dont taste to good does it scorpio? <br />
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oh good, u blocked me. should i block u from my e- mail box now ?? so u wont send me any more e- mails ???? demanding that i explain my self to you ??? daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa met ur match hu ??? <br />
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i see u have took ur name off ur comments scorpio. oh, u dont want any one to see what you wrote? ur ashamed ? <br />
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what is wrong with black men dating black women? you dont like ur own kind scorpio? ur racist towards ur own ? <br />
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hmmm they arent white enough for you? im sure u could find a black woman, who likes black white men.

So being black is equivalent to being gay? Great argument. :-/ Btw. Who said I was educated? Certainly not me.

Bring discriminatory does not necessarily mean you are a bad person. It simply means that you discriminate and are prejudiced against a certain group of people. We've been arguing for days now gypsy, and frankly I am getting tired of it. You disagree,fine. Let's agree to disagree then shall we?

Despite what you think,I don't hate you. I DISAGREE with you. I think your thinking is wrong. That doesn't mean I think you are a bad person. I never said that. Stop projecting.

oh there you are mr white black man i see u are a racist t.. u dont like gay men hu ... sad sad sad

i not going to date blk men no matter what u say or do this is america... and i have the freedom to do so... much to ur personal dismay!! get over ur self

what do u want ? blk white babies ?..... is that why u want white women to date blk men ?

whats wrong with ur own kind ? to date them .. scorpio you dont like dating black women ?

why are you so desparte to convince me to date you or any other black man .....get over ur self

Okay you clearly do have problems. You obviously want me to block you. Your wish is my command.

Reply by gypsyblu Jun 26th, 2012 at 5:10AM there ar plenty of black women who would love to date a black man who is white

Preference and racism aren't the same...he is asking for people to examine why skin color might be a might miss out on something great because you can't get past the book cover or the wrapping on the package...

Thank you! Just shaking my head here. *sigh*

There is a world outside of America you know gypsy? People like you give Americans a bad name. I actually would not have minded to have a debate with you on this subject but seeing as you felt more comfortable hurling insults at me as opposed to remaining civil I had to block you. Being on the internet does not give you the right to insult people as you wish. For someone so old you are very immature. Been nice knowing you... Maybe not...

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Racism comes in many forms...

I totally agree. Some forms are more subtle than others,making them difficult to spot.

And a lot of people don't want to admit that it still exists because they would then have to look at themselves...

Absolutely. It amazes me that people can still be so ignorant and dismissive of the difficulties that other people face. They probably know that if they acknowledge these disparities in the way some are treated, they would have to do some work in order to rectify the situation. Either that or live with the guilt of acknowledging the crime, but refusing to deal with it. So they would rather choose to say it doesn't exist. Extracting themselves from a position of responsibility and action. Its better than pleading guilty is it not?

For some it would appear that way...and truely its not even totally pleading guilty...its pleading that some are guilty or that there is something to plead gulity to....ya know!

One of my favorite issues regarding this is racial and cultural appropriation

Racial and cultural appropriation... Haven't heard that phrase before.

Did you check it out?

Yes I've just finished reading up on it. Very briefly but read up nonetheless. From what I gather there are negative and positive aspects of this appropriation. However, I would argue that there are more positives than negatives. What say you?

Depends on how its done... and if it is acknowledged, some people will agrue dreads aren't appropriation, that the celtics did it so white people do it because of that ect...

Something sacred or special to a group of people should not be used as a "trend"

I see. I'll have to read up further on that to get a better idea of what constitutes racial or cultural appropriation. It is an interesting topic of discussion. I think there is no greater example of cultural appropriation than the transformation and adaptation of music. From rock and roll to soul music. It's an interesting study.

I'm sure there are people who will feel strongly about that. How strongly they would feel, I don't know. But I think you would rather someone embraces one aspect of your culture,even ignorantly so. Then that gives you a platform to help that person better understand your culture, thus encouraging learning and growth in both individuals.

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It's definitely shallow, not necessarily any more racist than wanting to date redheads, or tall people, or whatever.

I think your are over simplifying something that goes a lot deeper than hair colour or preference. Preference says, I prefer red heads but would not say no to a beautiful brunette. Saying I would not date anyone of this skin colour is equivalent to saying that people of that particular skin colour are not beautiful. Is that not insulting to that particular race? To say that your people are ugly. Because we are talking about appearance here.

But there are people who will not date because of hair color, or height, or weight, etc.---all based on looks. If you don't find a certain type sexually attractive, that's just the way it is and it's not necessarily racist--though it could be.

You can change your hair colour or your weight. You can't change your height necessarily but if someone refuses you because of your height that would make them shallow. But this probably isn't such a big issue today because there aren't that many exceptionally short or tall people around. Nor are there too many people that will flat out REFUSE someone because they're too tall or too short. But if anyone does, that person will be looked upon as shallow. In other words,we admit that they are wrong for doing so. Race is however a big issue,and we can't bring that down to the same level as discrimination based on hair colour, weight or even height for that matter. Just because that's the way it is, does not mean that we just have to accept it as being okay. Certain things should be tolerated,certain things should not. Discrimination should not be accepted or tolerated. In my opinion anyway. :-)

Forgot to mention. I am not saying your should love all people of colour. Your casing help who you are attracted to. What I am saying is. what causes someone to deem one race of people as not being attractive? I used to think that Indian women were not that attractive,until I bumped into one that blew me away. It wasn't just her appearance that got me, it was her mind as well. But I learnt something from that. Your shouldn't discriminate just because you have preconceived ideas about a group of people.

To answer the "what determines" question--could be simple personal aesthetics, could be racism.

Perhaps. I just think it has more to do with the psyche and how one views others.

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I dated a man outside of my race for a little over a year. It was over thirty years ago so attitudes were different back then. Turned out, our problem was not our different races, but our different religions. He was Muslim, thought of hinself as modern and secular but we butt heads constantly. It was quite exhausting really cause I never gave an inch whenever I felt like he was usurping my right to be myself. It was quite an education. The next man I dated was my husband, he was exactly like me in every single socio/economic/religious/cultural aspect. I guess I'm not an adventurer in any way shape or form.

You dated one Muslim man. I personally would never advise any woman to date a Muslim man, not unless you're willing to convert and live by their laws which are very harsh and oppressive, especially regarding women. It helps a great deal to have a lot in common, believe me, I know. But would you say that your one bad experience reflects every other interracial or intercultural relationship out there? To assume that would indeed be folly. No relationship is the same. Certainly no intercultural or interracial relationship is the same. It would be wrong to paint them with the same brush.

I have actually written about this topic. Marriage to a Muslim man - do you really want to? That's the topic if I remember correctly.

I think maybe I was a little bit traumatized by the relationship. I was very inexperienced. It started hot and ended hotter. Neither one of us was to blame and it was a very long time ago. As far as interracial dating, times have changed very much where that's concerned No one hardly blinks an eye anymore. Its pretty common around here.

Its understandable that you would be wary. A bad experience will always make you think twice. It helps when you are from the same background, certain things are just understood, no need for explanation. It's good to see that people are becoming more open minded though.

I mean no offense, but when you say you "would never advise any woman to date a Muslim man"--this seems a little prejudicial to me. Mind you, I'm not playing "gottcha." Most of us, I believe, have at least a residual of racism within us due to our early experiences and the "herd" mentality. I know I occasionally have a thought or feeling that I can identify as somewhat racist. I abhor such thoughts and try very hard to keep them from EVER affecting my behavior. But in any case, regarding the coupling of a Muslim and Christian--if you are well versed in the differences, than advising them on those differences and possible points of conflicts--if done without any agenda for a hoped for outcome--would be constructive. Telling they shouldn't do it for this, that and the other reasons is evidencing a bit of prejudice, IMO. Again. I am not putting you down for this. But I have little doubt that SOME such couplings work out well, though there are bound to be issues.

No offense taken. We are all entitled to an opinion. As long as it is done respectfully I have no problem with that. For the record, I am not a christian. I would also not advise an atheist to marry a christian. Unles of course both parties are very liberal about their beliefs. I say this because if one person decides to become more devout at any stage, it can be a problem for the other. I mentioned Islam specifically because LilAnnie was talking about a muslim man. I have heard of stories were one does not reverence the anothers beliefs. If you take your faith seriously, believeing for example what the bibe teaches. This would mean that if your partner does not believe in Jesus, they would be going to hell. That's IF you truly believe what your faith teaches. But if you dont believe that what the bible says is true and you decide to make your own rules, you can ignore this spiritual teaching and live happily so long as you dont get seperated when one goes to Jesus heaven and the other goes to atheist heaven. :-) If you study Islam, you will see that there are several teachings that would require a woman to submit to her husband in the most strictest of ways. To a woman that is unaware of these teachings, she could become trapped under Islamic law, needing a very brave effort to escape. You should read my story about Marrying A Muslim Man. There is one example of woman who lost the right to care for her children, because under Islamic law, the children belong to the husband. Research this, listen to the testimonies of the women who "fell" into these unions unknowingly. This is why I am against inter religious marriage. It is confusing for both parties, not to mention the children. Of course this is not the case with all inter religious marriages. It's less of a problem were a christian for example would marry an atheist because lets face it, christianity in a lot of instances is very watered down and a lot of christians are very liberal. So it would be easier to accept someone from a different religion. Islam however is very strict. However, if the man or woman who is a muslim is very liberal, there is no reason why it could not work. However, from personal testimonies that I have heard, from muslim women and non muslim women, I can tell you that their experiences are far from joyous. Not generalising here, just looking at the facts. It is dangerous to accept anything in the guise of acceptance and tolerance without knowing anything about what you are leting into your home. Do some research on it, you will be shocked at what you find.

I have been exposed to several stories--horror stories really--about some Muslim marriages--even some between Muslims. Some men in the Muslim community, take the strictest portions of the Koran and apply them rigorously while ignoring the more moderate teachings. It's always been this way for all religions, there are groups with tunnel vision who take excepts for their holy book and apply them in such a way that it gives a elite group extra power while making the lives of others miserable. But not everyone isn't like this. So, persons entering into such pairings would be wise to fully understand the challenges involved and to discover, as fully as possible, the intentions and expectations of the other. But each has to make his or her own way. :-)

Yeah I agree with that. This is one of the main reasons why I am no longer a Christian. It's complicated, let me just say, in my opinion, there is more to spirituality than just following rules. But it is difficult. I'm sure you have heard of the old bait and switch tactics employed by some of these men, from all walks of life. It is difficult because you just might fall prey to one of these guys. It is tough. One certainly has to tread their own path.

"I personally would never advise any woman to date a Muslim man, not unless you're willing to convert and live by their laws which are very harsh and oppressive, especially regarding women."

I was raised in the middle east, and have seen the full range of muslim men, from the most devout to the most liberal. I respectfully disagree with your statement. The points of conflict occur when any liberal person marries a devout person from any religion. A liberal woman is 10 times better off marrying a liberal nonreligious muslim than a religious christian, jew, hindu, etc.

PS - Islam allows men to marry non-muslim women even if they don't covert. (The same is not true for muslim women marrying non muslim men, but that's another story). Usually those who ask their wives to covert do so in order to fit in with their traditional families or because they are on the more religious side of the spectrum.

Hi Elaria. You are correct, I made an incorrect assumption there that all Muslim men would be a certain way. It was said without too much thought. Generalisations are unjustifiable and usually don't tell the full story. I apologise for that. I am not religious. And I agree that the problem occurs when one party is more devout and less liberal. I think I responded in a similar way to Jenny. Please accept my apologies.

No need to apologize, Scorpio, and thank you for the nice reply :)

Thank you. :-)

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