I Just Miss Him!Its been a fast month since the loss of my baby at 24 weeks. There isnt a day or moment that goes by where i dont think about him or the process that i had to endure in the hospital. Just thinking about everything from not seeing his heartbeat on the ultrasound, to delivery of him, to leaving with a box in my hand of memorials...it all seems like a blur and then at the worst possible time it hits me...I dont have Isaiah with me and that breaks my heart more t han anything. I never knew a mothers love till i had Isaiah and I cant wait to have the feeling again with hopefully a future child and or children.
I am often asked how am i doing and i respond with ok. Because that is the truth, im not great but not horrible either. I find myself often numb to the outside world and just block out any emotion that i feel. I dont find myself crying often...I find myself not being able to think of conversations to have with my boyfriend or thinking of food that sounds good to eat (considering i am quite creative, just the simple task of food seems to big to handle most days), i also find myself lost when i am in town. I cant think of where I am supposed to go or what I am supposed to do. For example: Yesterday I knew i was going to town to get lunch but I totally passed the place and then forgot what I was doing. Ugh, just the simple things in life that we often take for granted.
I had to (for myself and for Isaiah) continue on with schooling for my nursing degree...I knew that I wasnt sure how well i would do so i chose to take 2 online classes which appear to be a ton of busy work and one class on campus. As this week was the first week of class, I found myself having a serious anxiety attack and felt like i was going to break down during class. I kept my head down with my hair covering my face for most of the class so I could wipe away the tears and not have anyone see me. It was agony sitting there and being around others not close to me.
I have this huge fear of going back to work. I dont want to be asked a ton of questions nor do i want to answer them. I also dont want to be seen broken down and crying in the middle of waiting tables, how great of customer service would that be! Then on the flip side, i think maybe it would be good for me to be busy so i dont have time to just sit around and numb myself by being on the internet or watching tv.
Even though I often know that God has a plan and had a plan of Isaiahs life and that I am forever blessed by his presence...I sometimes feel that this isnt real, that its just a dream and in 2 1/2 months I will be delivering him. Even though i have no more symptoms of pregnancy and am often reminded of this when i dont have to rush to the bathroom every hour.