With NDE Life Seems Like Hell.

I was in an accident in 1951, even with no conciliation of ever being in an accident or even in a hospital for two weeks. I was released from the hospital under my mothers surpervision. My stay at the hospital was hard on the family due to me not being myself. But I was several patients that were my patients that I had in a convelesant hospital as a job before the accident.. I only know this by what my family told me about my behavior and all I was doing. Other than that. I dont even have a clue I was even in a hospital or accident.


The only thing I can remember is my whole life from birth to end  like on fast forward in a matter of seconds .  I saw my body laying in the street as I floated up into the heavens til I couldnt see me no longer. From that point on I cant remeber a thing.


But after I was talking all this spirital stuff comming out of my mouth and I had no idea where it was comming from. It was so intense and deep. I wish someone would of recorded it when I spoke , or that I had written it down. I became very psychic that it scared me.


 Being at my mothers after the accident I didnt even realize I was there til I realized a bus had ran me over. But at that point I didnt feel I belonged there. I didnt feel a bond to my family.


I moved out soon after and took a job in a massage parlor really not having no morals of who I was. This became the life I knew. But as months gone by more and more of who I was started appearing. My head was like having conficts,You dont belong here,this isnt you. It would last a short time but then I was back to living the life of a girl in a massage palor.


By the 11th month after the accident, I was going thru black outs. Guess the conflicts of the who I was and the other  didnt mix.. I felt like I was being lead around being told what to do .


I ended up due to the blackouts going to a neroloigist who being I said I feel like im being lead around being told what to do put me a mental hospital. He committed me.


Guess it was a bad call on his part, first I had a head injury ,and second, to add drugs to my body cause of it just didnt mix.  I was loaded with drugs,,,in a catitonic state.  A friend who knew me from before my accident said. These drugs are ruining you. And stayed with me and had me put on mega vitimin theapy to help clear the drugs from my system.I was taking like 16 pills 3 times a day.


Within a few weeks I was back to talking and seeming normal to the eye of another.  But I stayed in theapy. Got drugs,. didnt take them. Just let them think I was.  But theapy didnt work for me.  They wanted to know about mom ,dad ,sisters,brothers,. And I couldnt say much about them... Didnt even have a bond with them and cant even remember anything about my youngest broter at all,and very little about the rest. It feels like a book I might of read years ago and know little about it.


From this day still ,I dont feel like Im part of this world. I cant even judge. I forgive and tell myselfs reasons why they are the way they are. People feel I always have the right things to say to make them feel better. Been even told Im the most normal person they ever knew what ever that means. But yet I stil from this day feel disconnect from man on earth in a way.


I see Earth as Hell.


So many people ,so many problems , so many having reasons for wrong doings.  I feel like im always the care taker. LOVE was a big thing after the NDE that is the most important then anything other. LOVE. I lOVE everyone even if I dont like what they might be doing. I know there is a reason.


I see in this world,,MOST dont know what it is to LOVE. What consists of LOVING someone.


We are GODS children . we are all brothers and sisters. We should be taking care of each other.  We can hear but its hard to listen.  We have needs but why cant others see them.


We all belong to ourselfs,even our fears, does that stop us. ?GODS greatest gift is to give. No matter how bad things can be for you. Giving will always make you feel good.


I feel Like a little girl put back on earth as an adult with no clue about the world and had to see ,hear and learn to defend .


I've been abrused medically for differnt things a few times. But once so bad in 1990 that I cant get medical help.  I dont know how to trust.  I live from that day afraid of doctors or gettng help. I dont even had a doctor.   I burst into tears several times  a day reliving 5 months in bed with a lazerated gall bladder and my HMO refusing to even take a blood test to prove it wasnt my back. I was unable to move. I used a dirty bed pan for the day til someone got home to dump it. I couldnt move even a bit without screeming in such pain.  I had a girl who studied homapatic medicine. She came to my house thru a friend,  She looked into my eyes and said,"you have many toxins running thru your body . You need a blood test.She gave me some herbs and some power stuff to drink saying it will treat my insides like a baby,so I started using it. I told the doctor that at my HMO. He said, no one can read eyes. Refused to have a nurse come to house to take a blood test. A social worker called from my HMO and said,"we cant give you the same treatment cause your not a private paying patient and we dont get as much for you. The doctor denied that she would say that,said she isnt even at the doctors meetings. I had the state disinroll me from the HMO so I can seek help thru the county state hospital. This al began in march,by sept my gall bladder was sealing up and I was getting a little better enough to get to the county state hospital. They put me in the hospital for dehydration and ran a blood test and ultra sound knowing it was my gall bladder ,but not realizing at time it was previously lazerated. They saw lots of stones in there. They put me on a waiting list to have it removed. By Jan 2nd I had the surgery.They had to move it up for me cause of to many problems still. The doctors told me I should be in surgery for about 45 min. When I got out ,they said my surgery took several hours then the gall bladder was previously lazerated.


So for all those months, being in such servere pain,no bath ,no shower,,,,using a dirty bed pan ,begging for help by my HMO and them refusing. Insisting it was my back when I told them it was not.  The state hospital said I could of died.  Guess It still wasnt my time to die.


Been many years now that I have this fear of getting help from doctors. I dont have a doctor.  Im in great need of a doctor. I feel my systems Im going thru now is a matter of life and death  Im getting weaker. Each day I wonder, when do I go home. Yes,I feel Earth is Hell. Earth is  man, not the lord or enternal life. 


 

thirdeye thirdeye
51-55, F
1 Response Jan 4, 2007

Wow, what strife's you have faced and things you have seen,. thanks for the read-