I Am Sorry

My name is Quintesse and I am a deletaholic.

I write a lot of stories here. Sometimes I get brainstorms in the shower. Story.
Sometimes I have a serendipitous moment. Story
Occasionally I will crack myself up with a nonsensical idea. Story.
And sometimes I have moments of profound depression and sadness. Story.
Also there are times--but in all honesty they are rare, when I will get so mad that I will slap open the laptop and ...Story

If I think I have put something negative out there, or hurt someone, or went off a little on a rant, or revealed too much that was personal or
focused too much on my weaknesses or my sadness--it's gone. Deleted.  Almost before it is officially posted I am hitting the delete button. It's as if just the act of writing it is enough, and then it is okay for it to be gone. In my way of thinking it has already served its purpose.

But last night I wrote something in anger and I let it sit out there a little too long. People commented and before I knew it we had a decent discussion going and it was actually productive. Still, it nagged at me because I knew that I had written it out of anger and it still felt negative to me even though it was not perceived that way by the people who commented.

I deleted it anyway, which was wrong, and I got nailed for it. One of the people who commented had actually invested some time and had made a really compelling comment but before anyone could respond to her I deleted the story. I feel bad. That was wrong. Once people started commenting I should have left it alone or, as one friend suggested, just toned it down a bit--as in-- go back in and edit.
I should have done that but I didn't because for me the deleting as as impulsive and as natural as the writing.

From now on I will try and be more considerate. I feel now like I dissed the people who commented by tossing the whole thing. It won't happen again.
Quintesse Quintesse
51-55, F
18 Responses Feb 5, 2011

Des, Sometimes I know I will delete something even while I'm writing it. It's just that when I wrote the story I refer to here, people commented right away and I was caught off guard. I guess I hit a nerve that night. I learned my lesson though, I think. Maybe private blog the rants.<br />
But then sometimes it takes a while for it all to sink in and I decide that I want to delete something because I do not like how I felt when I wrote it, and I don't want to be reminded. That sometimes comes days after the fact. <br />
Still, as someone here said, ultimately it is the writer's story to do with as he or she sees fit. I just don't like to inadvertently hurt someone by acting rashly. I guess that is the lesson I tried to teach myself with this story. <br />
Thanks for making me think about this again. Thanks to you and Paco

Paco, glad you could join us. You know, some addictions cannot be overcome--they can only be managed. Welcome. We all understand. We're here for you.

Hi, Quintesse.<br /><br />
My name is Paco35.<br /><br />
I am a EP aholic.<br /><br />
(Crowd mumbles encouraging words)

Haha. I know the feeling.

writting is a note of it own ,glad your this way now so you will be that way then and later you feel another wayso as Solomon said "it is al vanity" only in your season shall you reap and in your season shall you sow.

Hi love, I too feel compelled to write stories. I just try never to hurt anyone by them. Otherwise I just let it all hang out. Sometimes I write into the void and realize I am mostly writing for my own awareness. Also getting too attached to a story can interfere with the flow of it. It's kind of an art writing stories and you certainly are gifted at it.

Thank you. <br />
It's complicated. This story was about friendship--nothing controvercial--I should have left it.<br />
Still, I have hurt people in the past (including myself) by being a little to fast and loose with the deleting.<br />
Sorry Autimom. I know that still bothers you.

hmm .. I think if it's your story Quintesse you should be responsible for it .... that includes the right to change your mind and the right to edit or to delete at will. I think that's a given .... same as people can delete their comments too ...<br />
<br />
I've done plenty of both ... I recently deleted a story thread that I just got fed up with ... it was somewhat controversial ... unusual for me ... I usually steer clear of anything political or difficult ... but I broke my own rule and ended up with a thread of comments which was going nowhere ... so I deleted it. <br />
<br />
Then I sometimes post things which I reconsider afterwards as being too personal and I get embarrassed by myself in a way.<br />
<br />
It's all good Quintesse ... I think your story is yours to play with as you wish, the same for all of us.

People use this place in different ways. Some use it is an online diary. They are used to exposing themselves emotionally.<br />
I am not good at that. Politics, current events, the meaning of life, nonsense--I'm there. <br />
But I need to be careful, because I don't like to dwell on anything negative for too long, so if I write about being sad or depressed or angry, deleting has to be an option for me.<br />
Thank you for understanding. You understand everything.

Of course it is your writing and your choice to control what you put out there, you have written stories that I loved dearly that are now gone. You have left comments on my stories that touched me, that helped me and soothed my heart that I can never go back and read again. <br />
<br />
I hate that part. :(

I think you're right, plus the more I think about this, if it is your story and it makes you uncomfortable for any reason, you really should delete it, --but maybe tell the people first? <br />
I don't know. <br />

I have made a promise not to do it again, but only if people comment.<br />
I need to think before I act. I am learning.

I've done that, and I've felt bad about it because people put time and thought into their comments.

And I like was Sass said. <br />
Often just sitting down and organizing your thoughts is enough to make you feel better, even if the story is never written at all. <br />
That is good.

It is rare that I will delete a comment. It is more likely that I will figure out a way to counteract it--especially if it is rude or insulting.<br />
But deleting the whole story after 6 people had commented--that was rude.<br />
I know we own our stories--but once we share them with people we kind of have to accept that they're not just ours anymore--we've let other people rent space, and it is wrong to just toss them out on the sidewalk if they have made an effort to contribute.

Like in everything one should learn from experience. The last time I deleted a decent comment made online to something I posted was in 2000. Back then I still had a friend who found that I was way too rude. I reacted out of instinct and deleted the comment. Me rude? Don't you get the deeper meaning to my comment then my reaction was way back than to just throw the comment away.

Just writing it down and getting your thoughts organised enough to form a story that makes sense is often enough to free you of whatever is bothering you.

I have deleted quite a few stories because on reflection they were too personal, mostly too personal for the facebook link , but others I just changed my mind about.<br />
<br />
It's no biggy .. we own our stories.<br />
<br />
This cyberspace malarky is still very new for most of us.

And I missed it all. I'm sorry too.