Slowly Braking Down Even When I Hold You

JUNE 21, 2011.. We sat at Applebees to talk. You opened up to me & revealed my biggest fear. You talked about your family, mom, dad and how you was raced by your oldest brother. I thought you was allowing me to know you. That's until you through the bomb on me. Telling me you was going to try & work with your relationship. My heart broke down my soul melted out and away from my body as I looked directly into your eyes & listen to how you was going to make it work. Tears floating uncontrollably. I finally said I could not stay with you. That I had to walk away. You trying to convince me that you needed me. Asking myself what am I still doing here. You've said what you needed to say. Your conviction is very clear & I never had the chance. Why am I being patience for you? So you can destroy my inner soul. I hear you talking but I'm no longer listening. I want to run, run as fast as I can and throw myself in a room all to myself. How could you encourage me to be patience then expect me to stay with you after stabbing me in such manner. Your a thoughtless selfish man with no heart or sympathy for my feelings. Broken hearted I walked away. Heading to my place to heal my wounds. I
Wish I could go back to the day before we first met and skip my regrets. I wish I wasn't in love with you so you couldn't hurt me. It just ain't fare the way you treat me. No.You don't deserve me. I've waisted my time thinking about you and giving you my patience.. How I want to hate you..

You once told me that you truly understood the depth of our bond. That you would "NEVER FADE" or "WAVER". U know who I am & what I am to u & the depth to which u need me. That ur clear as to the purpose I serve in ur life. U said u can only be patient and wait and hope that I too eventually get to where u are. Tell me have I not been patient with u? And for me to feel no threat of panic if time passes without us seeing each other every day. That I get comfortable and settle in for the long run because u ain't going nowhere unless I tell u to take a hike. That I will soon find out who u are. U want me to watch u & to not judge u on appearances because it's very hard in ur situation to be there all the time, or even call sometimes... With this said I want you to understand that I am human. That while u waver yourself from me & home to work on ur relationship I am alone. That I wonder why you hold on to me & yet can't comfort me. Why you fade away like you do then act like I have panic? Is it that ur relationship really working out for u? Am I in between u both & recking what can work out for u both? Why do you hold on to me so? It is clear that what I've been feeling is true. That I hurt because: My feelings for you are true Because I feel you want to be with me in ur terms. Because YOU ASKED ME TO BE PATIENCE & I thought it was for the long run. Because I thought that you and I was going to be more than lovers someday. Because I feel like a fool. Because you know the type of women I am and deeply feel you don't want to let me go. Because you want to keep me around until you decide what steps you will take with her and YOUR future. Because you've been hurting & ignoring me. Because you've neglected my needs. Because I feel that I am pushing myself with you and that is not what I want. Because I know that you're not ready and I want a mutual relationship that can withhold all that will come. Because I know now that I was wrong about loving a married man because you've decided you want to work it out. Because I'm feeling so guilty about being in between you both. Because I want you to understand that I don't want to be the lover and know that this is not right. Because I feared of losing you but know now you was never mines to lose. Because I want to be a part of your life & with the love I have for you to cherish & nurture you. Because I want to be able to look back and say.. I love you so. Because I want you to figure out what you want out of your life without me tormenting you or breaking your balls. Baby I only have love for you. With that said I am asking that you find your way. That I am not going any where unless you tell me so but for now I want you to try and work with ur relationship without my interference. I do love you. Mi amor.. I pray you can open your eyes one day and see there is nothing there to hold. That your future no longer is with her but who am I to judge. I will be here because I know she will fail you once again. "I know what I feel" & your soul is crying to be loved to be understood & to be nurture. I can only do that for you if you are a single man & if you allow me to. I guess I'll wait patiently as time will tell. If you do make it work out then I know I will walk away hurt but not broken. Until next time my thoughts will meet the pages of my diary.
Nov 27, 2012