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Just Sick Of It All

The worst thing I can do is try to make him like the others before him. Everything I do doesn't break him.
He is his own person...
I hate being alone
I want someone I can share my interests with.
I don't want to be a smart ***...
I don't want to be at the mercy of other people.
I wish I could do anything and everything without worrying about what is going to happen next.
Why can I not live in my own shoes, live on the edge and make mistakes.
It sucks....
I just want to screw up.
I want to screw up on my own...
I don't need anyones help to get out... Maybe I don't even want to get out.

I hate depending on others.
I absolutely hate having to watch what I say to other people or anything I say or write in general.

I always feel like anything and everything I say and do will have some catastrophic consequence.

Why can I just say things I want to.?????


LIST

(I can't believe I'm doing this)

I really don't hate my mom.
I miss my brother.
I miss my grandparents.
I am not sure how I feel about my father.
I am not sure of my feelings toward many of my family members.
I honestly hate being in the position I am...

I cannot deny that I hate where I am in my life..

I cannot even admit these feelings to myself.
I keep, shutting myself up.
I keep resisting the screaming from the knife being pushed in my heart.

How can I hold my tongue so long?

I know I am loved, but our life is so SO SO SO hard on me.
Everyone thinks I am lazy...
I'm seriously depressed.
I can't even entertain myself.
I need to be alone from my boyfriend, but I don't like it.
I want to tell him everything but then again... I can't!!!!

I don't want him to know every single tiny thing...
I can't even tell myself the little things... I feel so trapped...

I used to be able to be in complete bliss but I can't be in that anymore...

Thinking about life when it was just me?
When it was me letting my imagination run wild?
Best time ever.
Then men RUINED EVERYTHING
UGH
but he is so wonderful..

I am so conflicted.......
I feel like I am acting like my mom and it scares me

I cannot make up my mind on anything important.
kilayla13 kilayla13 18-21, F 1 Response Jan 22, 2013

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There somethings that are better not said. We may have very good intentions but, some of our past, is best to stay in the past. Girls, like to talk and discuss and I remember my sister trying tell all that happened during the day to my mum. It is a girl thing and if you partner wants to listen, then do not hold back

Thank you. That really helps.
I told my mom I loved her and I started crying. My boyfriend held me and asked what was wrong and I told him everything on my mind. It was an amazing thing. I feel so much better.

I am happy for you Kilayala. take care