Depression!

Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?

I want to know the joy of getting pregnant. The joy of having a new life grow within me. And the joy of bringing that life into the world through child birth. But alas I will never know such joy. I was born male and after 35 years as such my body is irreversibly male in every way. Had I been able to start HRT when I was 10-12 years old I might be able to get a special surgery to let me know the joy of child birth. The bones of the male are shaped wrong and the Organs are in the wrong place and some are even to big. The male brain is even so different that it will not allow for the development of a new life in the body.

The closest I will ever come to knowing the joy I seek is through the stories of others. If anyone is willing to share.
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

Do you love your daughter? Does she love you? If the answer to these two questions is “YES”; you have a strong motive to be ALIVE!

It is not easy, not easy at all. What you’re experiencing is very common among transgender people, including MtF transsexual s. Society is not fair, especially when dealing with gender identity issues. You see, it will be easier to deal with life if you were a gay man, a lesbian woman or a bisexual person. Even the gay, bisexual and lesbian community has some problem understanding and accepting transgender people.

I want you to know something; when you read this keep in mind that: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are some many people who are experiencing the same pain, anguish and desolation that you are facing. You like many of us have so many questions crowding your mind in a continuous effort of trying to find answers in a World where answers are given following a script, a pattern, a manual, a linear thought. I don’t mean to say that the rest of the World is bad, uncompassionate and unreasonable. I am just saying that because of ignorance, religion, culture and fear people tend to cling to that whatever gives them a sense of security, belongingness and understanding of life; and, believe me, gender identity issues throw every established understanding of the human experience out of the window.
Now, what should you do? May I give you some suggestions? Ok. First, it is important that you see a professional therapist, especially one who specializes in Gender Identity Issues. In my case I feel more comfortable talking about this issue with a female therapist, but that does not mean that a male counterpart cannot do the job; it is just a matter of what makes you feel more comfortable. With time you might have answers and you will know then what is the right path to take with your life, your daughter, your father.

On the other hand, I will recommend you to visit the following links and read a little bit about this complicated topic. You can also go to your nearest public library I get some medical journals and books that specialize in the Gender Identity Issue. You can also buy some books of the personal accounts of people who went through life with this gender issues( the first personal account that I read was Ms. Renne Richards autobiography, “Second Serve” published in 1986). Here are some interesting readings that you can do on-line:

http://www.health.am/images/tables/sex70-8.php
http://www.health.am/sex/more/gid_of_adulthood_assessment/
http://tgmentalhealth.com/basic-issues-in-transgender-mental-health/
http://individual.utoronto.ca/ray_blanchard/GID_Men.pdf (Dr. Ray Blanchard’s Theory)
http://www.oocities.org/transsexual_analysis/transsexual3.html (Article against Blanchard’s Theory)
http://www.oocities.org/transsexual_analysis/index.html (Transsexual Analysis)
http://www.annelawrence.com/autogynephiliaindex.html
http://www.ntac.org/coming-out-resources
http://www.transwoman.net/

Best advice, take your time. If you wait for 30 years, would it hurt to wait another two while investigating and trying to understand?

Regarding to love and romance, that is another difficult topic. May be, it would be best if you first work in your gender issues and then move into the romance part.

Best,

Monica

Monica, Thank you for your post here. I want to tell you that I have already taken your advice before you have given it. That is not to say I do not Appreciate what you have done here. I have been seeing a therapist for some time and have started my hrt. I have also become friends with others here on EP who are in the same place as me as well as others who have past this point.

I have put love on the back burner and do not plan on looking for it any time soon since I am looking at three year before my srs. (time needed to save the money)

I wish to thank you for the links and I will be checking them out to see if there is anything I have not already read.

Regards Rose