Just An Emotional Explanation For An Emotional IssueBecca Joy Sersen December 23 at 11:02am
Good job, you got my point, I was merely saying you were smart enough to not be a troll, because being a troll is annoying. But I do enjoy our little chats nonetheless. I do not think you are narrow minded, but I think often "trolling" can be narrow minded, and is in general an action that is looked down upon as being slightly immature. I know that you like to do it for intellectual purposes, and I do respect that, but there is a nicer way to do that then the way that you do it, and I think you know that, and I think that you don't want to do it . . . but if you "troll" on my wall for things that do not matter, don't expect me to not see it as immature, and therefor find silly ways to call you unintelligent, and make fun of you for doing it. You asked for it after all.
As for your perfect understanding of me. I do agree that you understand a lot about me, and I don't discount that, but there have been times in which I have felt misunderstood by you nonetheless, in a way that has even been slightly hurtful. Usually it's just because of your intellectual pride, which you value over your relationships. It's because your intellectual pride is something that would seek to judge, and rip other's egos down in the name of building up your own. Everything is a game to you, and in a field where I have struggled, it can be extremely hurtful, and if you understand me, I would need to conclude that you know that, and yet do it anyways. Sometimes it feels better to think that you don't understand, because otherwise, the only conclusion that I can draw, is that you are kicking me where I'm hurt, and that makes me sad.
I guess, you might understand me, and you might just like to mess with me. But as it goes, you have never given me total and complete proof of your knowledge, and as you know, knowledge without proof and application, and ex
I promise not to try and rip down the things you say, so as any person does when they are seeing what another person knows, I'm going to test you . . . if you have the time, I think it could be interesting, and if you answer well, I will be intrigued. Most are about school, because honestly, that is the most important, defining thing, that has happened to me in the past year, so if you claim to know me, you claim to know that.
1. What am I most driven by?
2. What did I lose when I failed out of school?
3. Why did failing out of school freak me out, what was the main central reason?
4. What do I hate more than anything?
5. What do I love the most?
6. Did I try to not fail out? Or is it something that I just let happen?
7. Why did I turn to substance abuse after I failed out?
8. How do I feel now? :P
9. How did I feel then?
10. Describe me.
11. What else do you feel that you understand?
Ok, these questions are not exactly amazing, and it's not like there is only one right answer for them, but I want to hear you say things that kinda line up with what was going on in my head . . . and anything you write will either demonstrate, or fail to demonstrate, that type of thing. You don't have to do this if you don't have time, but I am really curious.
I am aware that I'm testing you without giving you the option, or holding myself accountable, for knowing and understanding you. If you want to ask me questions to answer about you, go for it. I will try and answer them as well. It could be a fun way to get to know you better too.
Justin Potter December 23 at 1:06pm Report
First of all, I dont think I said I have a perfect understanding of you mainly because I know I dont. I know how to evoke responses from you, and you are completely right, I did put "intellectual pride" first here over our relationship and in hindsight I do regret that greatly, for that I would like say, I'm really sorry. What I meant by "I understand you completely" was suppose to be, "I understand your intentions in your status updates completely"
Now if you want me really want me to give this the good old college try, I will, if we agree that this is a "truth zone" sort of thing. You won't be mad for my responses. I request this because I don't want to embark down a path that might ruin our relationship. Another thing is that I will only answer the questions of my choosing. Also, question 11 should either be changed or removed because it is too vague and is not directed at anything in particular.
Right now the only question I feel comfortable answering is number 4. The answer of course is Team Rocket because they keep trying to steal Borris.
Becca Joy Sersen December 23 at 2:23pm
hahaha, ok so here is the thing. It's not like I'm incredibly upset at you, not at all, it just gets under my skin when people claim that they "understand" not because I don't want to be understood, but because it feels like they "understand" in a way that is dismissive. Like, ok, I get it, now lets move on, and as a result of their dismissing of things, they never look deeper, and therefor never understand. I'm a person whom people do not take seriously or respect as it is, and the thing I hate the most is being minimized as a person. (which I often feel like you do) but that is mostly because of my own perception and idea of you as a smart person, I assume you assume that you are smarter and therefor better then I am, and it is this that gets under my skin. Because I felt stupid after college, and I felt like the world also sent me that message, and it was a message that I didn't know how to deal with. Because the honest to God truth is, when it came to my final semester, I tried so hard. And nobody believes me, they all think that I threw my education away, but I was just really bad at it. They assume that you get what you put into it, but I know for a fact, that in order to get half the grade you get, I need to put in twice the amount of time. And that, is just the way that it is. I don't get what I put into it, I get what I got. And it still freaks me out, because I know I didn't give up. Not at school, I didn't give up until I got that rejection letter. And I am sorry, extremely sorry, to make this your problem. I don't like that I let it control me, but it still hurts me deeply, and as my friend, I want you to know that.
I guess though, while we are being honest . . . but trust me I'm not mad, I just want to communicate, because I do value you as a friend greatly, and I want to communicate because if we really are friends, you do need to know some things.
a. you can never destroy our friendship, at least not on my end, I am the most forgiving big hearted, loyal friend you will ever meet. I admit I don't always do it well, and I'm not always there like I should be, but I am consistent about getting over myself and forgiving people. And I'm incredibly serious about it, probably because I know what it is like to not have friends, and I feel that every friendship that I have is valuable.
b. Proof of this is that if you could have destroyed our friendship, it would have been over the luther thing, because I felt that you were another judgmental voice telling me that I wasn't trying hard enough in the middle of a sea of voices that were ripping me down. It's not what I needed to hear from you at the time. When we hung out last time, I ended up getting really mad at you, but I didn't say anything. The whole reason for that is when I failed out, I felt so alone, and so depressed, and the things I did were so stupid. I was suicidal and I could have died. And when I heard you say that that was the point when you decided there was nothing more you could do for me, it made me really mad. Because the betrayal of my college friends cut me so deeply, and you could have done SO MUCH! If . . . you had known, but you didn't, because you didn't understand what college did to me on a psychological level. And I don't blame you for that, because nobody saw what happened to me, which almost makes it worse.
and now, every day, I have to work so hard, and I'm getting nowhere, and I hate my life. I would give anything just for another chance, but I make do.
No need to answer the questions.
Sorry to be crazy but, it's the way things are.
Justin Potter December 23 at 3:38pm Report
Im answering on my phone so know that this response is incomplete. First why I "gave up on you". There's a saying in the helping profession that can be summarized as you can't help those who don't want to be helped. I did try to help you both directly and indirectly. Indirectly, I helped by being your friend and trying to be there for you. Directly, I tried to help you by giving you aid but I was met with so much resistence from you I didn't know how else to help directly, so I gave up on helping you directly. Im not a professional, and i had my own responsibilities, duties, and problems so I didn't know how else to help you back then.
Now as to me thinking that I am smarter than you... its true I do consider myself smarter than. This is not to say I think you are stupid or anything along those lines and im not sure why or how you came to conclude such a notion. I do think you are smart albeit in a nontraditonal manner. Your ability so synthesize material that most people would not think of trying to put together is a skill that I do wish I had. Nevertheless, I still do feel that I am smarter than you and let me state this again I do not think you are stupid.
Justin Potter December 23 at 3:41pm Report
I have also noticed that whenever we do try to "match wits" you become a different person from who you really are in your efforts to show/prove to me that you are smart, when in reality I already do believe you are smart.
Justin Potter December 23 at 6:36pm Report
I do believe you did try hard, but I do also feel that introducing alcohol was a poor decision on your part to the equation, although we all medicate our problems in various ways. And I don't have to look very far to see that being rejected from Luther hurt you deeply and at times I probably am not that sensitive to it.
Okay, consider this the first wave response. For now it is complete and I have other things to write and read, I'll probably be addressing this accordingly.
Justin Potter December 23 at 6:37pm Report
accordingly means I will write again. My head is everywhere today.
Becca Joy Sersen December 24 at 2:59am
So, I just want to say again that I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, nor point blame or anything of the sort.
The simple facts are, you were my best friend, and I did need you. I needed all of you. And it really hurt when none of you had any time for me. All I wanted was help. ALL I wanted was a friend, but none of you really seemed to have any time for me. Which was fitting at the time, because I had come to the conclusion that I had no worth whatsoever. So your abandonment was no surprise. Now once again, I don't mean to be hurtful . . . because I can see why it happened. It just felt so horrible to loose all of you guys, because I do love you all! I ******* LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!! and . . . I wasn't even worth reaching out to at all, and that was the message the entire world gave me. I believed that I couldn't be helped, and that nobody cared enough to try and help me. I believed that everybody who ever entered into my life would give up on me, and that was the message, the overriding horrible message, that cried me to sleep every night, as I thumbed through the smiling face-book pictures of every single one of you guys. I have never felt more deleted in my entire life, nor so hurt. But it doesn't matter, even though it matters a lot, because I still love you guys, and I would never let go of you, but I feel like you would/did let go of me, and that is something that I'm crying over right now, as I write to you, I'm crying so hard, and all you could see was my failure just like everybody else. And not only that, but you blamed me for it, just like everybody else, but I honestly did not mean to do it, I mean . . . I was failing out of college, and I was loosing my mind, and all anybody could do was tell me to try harder? Try harder??? What a joke . . . what did you guys THINK I was doing other then trying harder. Luther was my home, and I was fighting for it with my life. I know that nobody saw it that way, and the fact that you couldn't is why I resisted you so much, because your judgement of the situation was perfectly in line with the judgement of every other person / teacher / abstract group of people, who decided that my education, was something that was so worthless, and that I was such a lost cause, that I deserved to have it taken from me, just like that.
Just like that, the world crushed me, and you all disappeared.
and I would delete this, and write something less emotional, but this is an emotional issue. And the reason I write this is because I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO MOVE ON. How to forget. And I hope that maybe, maybe saying all of this to you . . . would help me somehow. So I'm sorry if it hurts you, but it hurts me too . . . and I'm tired of it hurting me, because you had better believe that I am worth more than that . . . you as my best friend, had better believe it . . . and you had better start respecting me as well. Respecting my opinions, seeing me as a person who has potential, who maybe had something that honestly was not exactly fair happen to her, you had better start being on my side . . . because I need you, and I love you . . . and I can't forget you, even if you can forget me.
So . . . I'm sorry, but I'm not at the same time . . . because this isn't personal . . . I'm just really screwed up. I hope you can see that, and I hope it doesn't push you away, the way it has pushed you away before. Because I didn't try and let it push you away . . . it just did. And really, it's nobodies fault so I'm not blaming you, but there were severe consequences that you never had to live with, and that you never had to see.
Becca Joy Sersen December 24 at 3:24am
did you really think that I would just be ok? That I would be unaffected by that? Did you really think that you were doing the right thing? Or did you just not see? Was I really that good at hiding it? Because the only other conclusion that I can draw is that you just didn't care, and that is what made everything so horrible. That NOBODY cared weather I lived or died. Nobody cared weather I gave up or didn't. So I started throwing everything away, because if my future was like the one that had been demonstrated to me, by Luther, it was a future that I didn't want. I started drinking, and even doing drugs, and dating an abusive guy, because I literally wanted to die. And guess what? Nobody exactly tried to stop me. They all said, well . . . I guess that is her choice . . . like . . . REALLY??? And I know you didn't ask for any of this, and know that I'm not just yelling at you now, I'm yelling at the whole thing, I'm sad because not even my very own dearest parents lifted a finger to stop me from destroying myself. Granted, I didn't exactly advertise it to them . . . in the end, in my mind, the only reason I'm even ok at all today is because of my faith.
But things are getting better for me, but I DO NEED to get this out . . . so please, help me . . . if you can. If you can't at least find a way to let me know you care. If you do that is.
Becca Joy Sersen December 24 at 3:31am
Because believe it or not, you can still do some good . . . if you want to . . . in a way that others cannot. Because you were at least there. So there is a lot that goes unsaid. And BECAUSE of the way that you did respond to me, and because of the way that you did see things, and because your actions mirrored the actions of others, I feel that it would mean a lot more if you told me you were sorry. Sorry that it fell apart, and sorry that it hurt me so badly, and sorry that you couldn't be there when I was bawling my eyes out, and when all I needed was somebody, anybody, to tell me that I was worth something. That you would have wanted to be there. That you would have tried to help if you had known. That I'm not actually somebody you wanted to throw away. you have a chance to help me heal. You really do . . . all I need is your honesty . . . and a tiny bit of your time . . . and that is why this is something I keep getting upset about with you . . . so I'm kinda begging you here . . . to please just try. Show me that I am worth that much. Because I do need this . . . I really do . . .
Justin Potter December 24 at 3:44am Report
Becca, you are saying as though I did nothing to try and help you Becca, I tried to be there for you, I tried to be your pillar, your stone, your rock and I got cast away. I saw that you were trying and I tried to offer you aid, I gave you reminders, I said that I would read over papers, help correct them, I said to you I'd do everything for you short of writing them. And you said, "No, Justin, I'll be fine." So I kept reminding you, saying that papers were due, but I kept getting cast aside. Becca, you of all be should know what it feels like to feel like you are continually being cast aside. What did you want me to do Becca. I tried everything I could think of to try and help you, only to be cast aside. Becca, its really hard to work with people you know to be cast aside, but to be cast aside by your best friend when you are trying your hardest hurts too. I'm human, I gave up on the direct things 2nd semester, I didnt know what else I could do. I think you need to understand that. I did try.
"... You had better start respecting me as well. Respecting my opinions, seeing me as a person who has potential, who maybe had something that honestly was not exactly fair happen to her, you had better start being on my side . . . because I need you, and I love you . . . and I can't forget you, even if you can forget me."
Becca, I never have stopped respecting you, sometimes it was less than others, it was still ALWAYS there and WILL ALWAYS be there. You're going to have to start saying some pretty bad things or killing sprees before I stop respecting you. I also still have faith that you have potential to keep moving on in the world. No matter how many setbacks you have Becca, I still will have faith in your abilities. I am always on your side, so drop down this guard that you need walls up Becca. I will always on your side if you contact me and I will try and always maintain contact with you. But know that deep down, I will ALWAYS be by your side.
Now as to moving on...Well, getting this all off of your chest is one way to go. In all reality, I really wish we could have this conversation in person or over the phone, so I could give better feedback and tend to your needs better. I think that another problem is you still feel the need to defend yourself from your own inferiority neuroses, particularly to me all the time. Becca, I do not find you an inferior mind or anything like that.
Justin Potter December 24 at 3:50am Report
Becca, I'm not entirely sure what you wanted from me while you were back in Wyoming. At times I thought you wanted me to stay in contact with you, at others I thought you never wanted to hear from me again. In all honesty, I don't know what I could have done Becca. Saying stop, dont date him, hes bad for you and so are drugs and booze, did not have you stop. I couldnt really stage an intervention from several states away. Although, now as I write this, it has come to my attention that maybe most of this isnt even about me, but rather, its about you using me as a sounding board for all of this pent up anger, aggression hostility and you're letting out your feelings because you think that I can take them. I dunno, thats just my two cents weighing in now.
Justin Potter December 24 at 3:58am Report
Becca, I really am sorry for all that has transpired, whether it was my fault or someone else's fault. I am sorry. But I have to tell you, I cant make everything feel better... I am sorry for not being that person. The person that will make everything better is you. You are that person. As to where to start, I really dont know. I did not think things were still this bad, and right now I feel like I am overwhelmed so I suppose it would be best if we came up with goals on what you wanted because Im not even sure entirely on what you want. If you could list out clear goals on what you want, then that would be someplace to begin. Remember, the person who will make this all better is YOU. I am only here as a guide, sounding board, friend or whatever else you may need that I can give to you. So how about you reach out and take my hand walk along side me so we can get this started.
Becca Joy Sersen December 24 at 4:04am
Yeah thats right . . . I tried to make that clear, that this is not just about you . . . I just needed somebody to be there, and I couldn't find anybody, and of course I'm not stupid, I understand how hard it was for everybody to be there for me, but that just made it way more hard for me as well . . . to have to kind-of accept, to let you guys all go . . . it was the hardest part. And it was the part that I still haven't been able to figure out how to do. It's not your fault, but I dont know what to do about it at all . . . I can't even say goodbye . . . I will never see most of you guys ever again, I'm too late, and I fear I will never be able to fully move on. It was so horrible . . . and nobody gets that.
I HATE it so much, and I feel so alone in it. I just want another chance, a chance to be worth something . . . because right now, all I can seem to remember is that nobody was there, and it was so unfair. It was all SO unfair. And I'm so angry all the time that I don't even know what to do. I just nd up hurting everybody, or pushing them away with the sheer immensity of my need . . . all I want is healing, and I'm obsessed with it . . . I wouldn't be talking about this now if all of this honesty didn't feel really good . . . but it does, so I'm trying it, just to see if maybe, it will make some of the anger go away . . . I'm just so frustrated with everything, and . . . It separates me from being able to see the people I have, and it stops me from being able to love them well, the way that they deserve. The way that you deserve . . . and I hate being robbed of that.
It's like, I'm driving forward in my car, but my rearview mirror is taking up my entire windshield, like my future consists of nothing right now, except for dwelling on my past, and I want a future I can believe in, but I can't find one. This is my reality . . . and everybody else seems childish in comparison . . . even though that is so not fair as well . . . but its so hard to not be bitter in a way that turns to judgement of people who even somewhat represent all of the things in my life that have said no to me, that have told me I'm not worth it. I just want to be done being worthless. I'm done rolling over, and not being respected . . . I'm just done . . . in general. I'm ready for something else . . . I just want to fight something, do something . . . but I have no idea what.
Becca Joy Sersen December 24 at 4:11am
I don't even know what I'm mad about anymore, it would be nice to figure that out . . . I'm sorry to overwhelm you . . . my world has just been . . . really sick and gross recently. I just hate everything. Nobody understands that because I don't say it because I don't like hate.
I just don't want to hate myself anymore, how is that for a goal? And also . . . I want to believe in myself, but I can't, and I never will be able too, until I figure out where exactly I went wrong at college, because I don't have the comforting concept of being able to blame it on anything at all other then my lack of intellectual intelligence, and I have no idea how to change that. My problem isn't that you believe I'm stupid, my problem is that I believe . . . I REALLY believe, that I am stupid. And I always fear that it will ruin everything. I feel powerless, and like I have no choice but to accept the way that things are.
Becca Joy Sersen December 24 at 4:13am
Sorry if I'm making your night miserable . . . just . . . know. I just want you to know what I'm fighting, every single day I have to wake up to this, and I'm just so tired, in general, I'm just tired . . .
Becca Joy Sersen December 24 at 4:15am
It takes so much energy, just to take care of myself . . . I wish I didn't have to do it. But it's not like I'm going to stop. I would never go down that road again, because I know where it leads, but I still hate so much.
and also, thank you . . .
I hope this isn't just out of obligation though, because the last thing I need is more people involved who really don't give a ****.
Becca Joy Sersen December 24 at 4:16am
Ok, well honestly, what I want is just to move on, and be happy with what I have, and to believe in my future. Those are my goals . . .
Becca Joy Sersen December 24 at 4:18am
Also, I don't mean to cause alarm . . . because I'm responsible about being depressed and hopeless now, and I am absolutly not a threat to myself at all . . . which is something I like to make clear. But I hate living with myself is all.
Becca Joy Sersen December 24 at 4:21am
but anyways . . . I'm going to bed now . . . thanks for listening.
It felt good to be honest about all of that, I didn't plan on saying all of this to you, ever really . . . but only because I didn't realize I needed to, I didn't know it would help, or that I would be able to find the words to explain it at all . . . so thank you . . . I feel like just what I was feeling as I was writing all of that was progress in itself.
Becca Joy Sersen December 24 at 7:04pm
Did I say that I hate my job yet? But I don't think I hate the actual job, what I hate is my dependence on it, and my lack of ability to find something less dumb, because all jobs available to me, at this current level of education, are basically the same. Mindless, and without decent pay. So no matter where I work, I will still need to put so much time into it that it will take over my life with feelings of inadequacy, and bitterness towards the system. I feel like because of my mental shortcomings, I'm basically the American version of a slave, because I have to work for somebody, and pay is so low that I have to work pretty much every hour of the day, all week, just to be able to have food on my table, and that doesn't feel like something I have a choice about. I really don't feel like I have choices at all . . . and like I always have to suck up to everybody, just to keep on living in a house, and eating food.
I am learning a lot, mind you, about the way the system is. But I'm always angry at the people who are above me in power, because they don't even know how wrong it is. I believe it's wrong, but maybe I'm just crazy, and maybe I'm just too angry to see my possibilities. I don't know what to do . . .