My Darkest Place In Life; Suicide

I was walking down my school hallway, having this dead set look on my face. But what nobody knew was that I was planning my suicide plan. Trying to figure out who would care, what difference I would make. The more I thought about it, the more anger and grief I felt for myself. My friends would ask me if something was wrong, I would say, "Nothing, just spacing off." with a "smile". Soon or later my friends were telling me my eyes were red and looked glossy, kind of watery. I would make up an excuse of me yawning, being so tired. Which was true, but not for the reason from my tears I'm trying to fight back. I would be up all night, deep in thought. "What if I just died, and didn't wake up tomorrow? How would I die? Choke myself, cut myself, overdose, what? Who would find me? How would they react? What difference would there be if, I could possibly be dead to them? Who would be grieving the most about my death? Would it be enough for them to kill themselves also? What if I don't die, and they find out I tried to commit suicide? Would I go into the one place I'm afaid of, the "Mental Hospital" place? What should I do? Take my life to be with my sister in Heaven, with God?" These thoughts ran through my head all day and night. I would have nightmares and dreams from them. I would have Anxiety/Panic Attacks throughout the day and can barely breathe. I told my friend about these thoughts, and even my cuts I did to myself. She also was going through the same thing but recovered from being suicidal. She felt concerned for me, so she told the Social Worker at school. First thought, "I can't believe they'd even care." This thought, wasn't a bad thought. It actually made me think deeper. A smile awakened my face for once. The Social Worker talked to me and was really understanding and non-judgemental. She acted as if she truly cared for my saftey. She asked for my Mom's number to call her, I didn't know what to do at first. Thoughts, "What if my parents and family found out? Would they be so concerned for me that they would let the Doctors take me away? Would they be mad? Would they even understand and not judge me? What could happen?" I finally gave her my Mom's number. The Social Worker told me, "Have a nice day and try to make it a better one tomorrow. If you need to talk, I'm here. I will listen." My Mom is wanting me to go see a Doctor to go on Antidepressants for my Depression this week. She's trying to understand. So is the rest of my family and friends. I'm still having suicidal thoughts, but not as much thought into them as before. This here, is the darkest place, of my life.
KayKay12497 KayKay12497
13-15, F
1 Response May 21, 2012

You're part way to recovery, keep going, it's worth it - there's a life to live.