In Love With My Straight Best Friend..So I am in love with my straight best friend. He is a beautiful, tall, handsome model with a wonderful, appealing personality. I am 23-years-old, and so is he. We met about 1.5 years ago...
It all began after he moved into my flat a few months ago... And he was just classed as a 'good friend' at that point. But we've pretty much become best friends since he moved in. We get on so well, he cares a lot about me, and I him. He's really sweet to me, and shows a different side to his personality when around me, it seems. I love him first and foremost as a friend, and just want it to be like that.
However, he knows of my sexuality, and is always able to talk about it openly with me. I think he quite likes the whole diversity of it. He's very supportive and is always able t otalk about it in the most non-homophobic way. I know he is straight, and if he were gay - he wouldn't be with me.
But as we became so close, I started to like him more and more. It began as a slight infatuation, which grew and grew as we hung out more. The odd heart-warming comment he'd make would fill me with energy, filling me with joy about him. We'd lie in bed together watching movies, go out together drinking, cinema and do lots of things like that together. Which is something I want out of a best friend.
However, the downside of being gay kicks in. All of these things I mentioned above have pulled my heart-strings, as he began to fill my void of loneliness. I am, by all means, a lonely gay guy with no homosexual friends to go out with. Just straight guys, and some girls. I get the odd sexual activity, but nothing solid enough to form a relationship.
So things have went on, and on... And a few months down the line, I am completely and utterly in love with him. He dominates my thoughts, I do so much for him, I think about him all day and night, and miss him intensely when I'm not around him.
Now I've started to become jealous when he goes out with his other friends. But I'm not sure if this is anything to do with the fact he's been rather bad mooded recently, and comes across a lot differently towards people when he's like that. This jealousy, and missing, is coming from the deficit of attention I'm getting from him, I think.
But this is all causing me to miss him more and move, and fall deeper into love with him. I resent it, and wish it were not the case. He's out right now with one of his friends - one who is allegedly gay and has tried to pull him before. I know my best friend isn't gay... But I cannot help feeling this other friend is at it. He wants MY best friend as well. So this all gets really muddy and horrible. So it makes me jealous. And it shouldn't.
How do I keep the balance of normality? I want him as my friend, even if it means being a bit in love with him. There obviously is not any easy answer... But I imagine I just have to wait for it to all be over. I will have to confess to him sometime, I know. I'm not sure what he will think. As long as I don't act weirdly in love with him when I am with him, I think it will be fine.
The last thing I want to do is lose him as a friend, and this whole thing may freak him out if he finds out. I value our friendship so much, and have become disgusted in myself for allowing myself to fall down this route. Though maybe it was inevitable. Is that the price of being best friends with a great person, who happens to be good looking and share a lot of things in common?
It's all just very ****. One of the reasons I am becoming to extremely dislike being homosexual.
Any comments, tips and advice would be welcome... But don't tell me to detach him... I just couldn't do it.