Fiending

METH ❤

I fiend for it almost every single day.
It’s changed me.. so very much.
Completely twisted my mentality.
Totally skewed my judgement and perception of the world. 



I’ve been clean for over 5 years now.

 
I miss smoking it the most.
I absolutely LOVED packing the pookie..



Especially if I was lucky enough to obtain a fresh batch of some blue sh1t.



Melting it slowly with my cute lil torch.. watchin' the rocks liquefy..  blowing into the bowl to cool it off..
I was very careful not to burn it.. Burnt sh1t tastes disgusting.

And then .. inhaling that first hit….

Ohhhhh ❤ Heaven.
 
I always tried explaining it to people that it’s like my precious, the one ring..
And I, Gollum.
That’s what it was like for me.

The high is insane! for me anyways. Famous for keeping a user up for days.. my record is 5.
I LOVE THE HIGH!
My legs always felt numb and weightless. Like I was walking on a cloud. As if I was gliding away softly with my feet floating inches off the ground. 
I felt invincible and amazing! and obnoxiously social.

I would hallucinate all kinds of crazy.. I swore on my life I would see people that weren't there and make out something out of nothing.
I once heard voices arguing in my head with myself.....

That was the one of the scariest sh1t I've ever experienced....
watching myself go mad.. 

sleep deprivation.. dehydration.. malnutrition...





I hated to love it. I loved to hate it.  
When I would crash I would jump in the shower and cry for hours and hours and hours. I wanted to die oh so badly.

My body would ache to the bone like I got my *** beat. I would be so incredibly sore. 

My homegirl taught me how to deal. Gave me her pro tips on how to be and what not to do. Now, I’ve become the pro...

What makes it worse is that I was so good at maintaining myself.
Other than a worthless expense, I never saw a problem with my use.
I’ve always kept up with my hygiene and remained responsible.
For someone who was spun out I did a pretty good job at living a normal life. 

but even still.. it got to the point where I would find sobbing as I was crushing the sh1t with my i.d.
Tears falling down my cheeks as I was once again torchin' the piece..  
asking myself why did I pack the bowl.... my thoughts whispering to my soul...

"just get rid of it.".... 

If it wasn't for my pregnancy with my first son.. I would have never quit.
I refused! to do that to my child. but quitting was nearly impossible. I smoke a hell a ton of medicinal marijuana. with the blessings of my Dr. 



I’m so very easily triggered. Every time I see a pretty torch.. or a cloud of smoke.. or a glass bong..  hell even Listerine or a Halls.. lol.. doesn’t take much..
 
 
Tis why I am such an addict to coffee really.
I want my high.. I need my fix. And I have no clue how to fight that. So I use coffee as my pathetic weakling substitute.
 


but Once again......
 

I find myself... fiending. 
 


 
Cosreal Cosreal
31-35, F
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

If you tweak then I tweak. Yes? Yes.

:sigh: i love you so much. ♥ .... no >:Þ

.I'll seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.