DON'T Say the "D-word!!!"

I have terrible problems with death, too...sometimes, i consciously obsess over it...  sometimes, without warning, i'll suddenly become MORBIDLY afraid that something bad will happen to the people I love.

Like, two summers ago...My son was giving someone a ride home (he'd just started driving).  It was late and I was waiting for him.  Suddenly (I remember it so vividly), and FOR NO REASON, I was in my bathroom and I had this...this... (what i recognized to be) gutt feeling that my son was about to die.  it hit fast and it hit hard and i believed it in my gutt.  my body instantly responded with panick.  graphic images were slamming my head.  i was shaking, breaking out in a cold sweat.  i felt like the fabric of reality as i knew it was being shredded before my eyes. 

he made it home.  i didn't sleep that night, though.

we were going to this big amusement park the next morning.  i almost honestly decided not to take them.  i was petrified that there would be a car accident on the way there or that one (or both) of them would get killed on a ride.  i fought with myself the whole night.  i'd decided several times that we weren't going.  i stayed afraid and anxious the whole time we were there.  everytime we got on a ride, i prayed. 

when the sun started setting and it was almost time to leave, i was praising god that we had made it through the day and they were both still alive and unscathed.  they wanted to go on one more ride....a stand-up roller coaster that i couldn't go on with them because it gave me a massive headache.  i tried to talk them out of it (i hid my fear from them the whole day.)  i wanted to beg them not to.  i wanted to tell them i was afraid they might die...that we were almost scot-free and i couldn't WAIT to get out of that park.  but, i let them go. 

the whole day, i'd been fighting myself....fighting my "urge" to follow this "gutt feeling"...trying to force myself to be rational, in the face of such an irrational state of mind.  i let them go on the ride and i watched them the whole time they were in line.  i must've looked like an idiot, jogging up and down to keep them directly in my line of view the whole time they were on the ride.  i cried my eyeballs out when i saw them walking down the ramp to meet me at the little section where you could view a picture of yourself on the ride.  my son was looking directly into the camera in the photo, making a thumbs-up sign!  of course, i HAD to buy that picture!!!  to this day, it is a reminder to me that i have to live.  we're all going to die one day but, we can't let that fact dictate the way we live our lives!!  on the day that we were at that park, i could have chosen to allow panick and fear to dictate our experience together.  i knew that i was taking a chance by taking them to that park and letting them get on that last ride.  i knew that there was a chance i may never see them again when they walked into the line.  but, i can't protect them from dying.  their time will come.  just like mine.  and, ultimately, i know that i did the right thing.  i can't make decisions based on fear!!!

still, that panick when it comes is a MOTHER ******!!!

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
2 Responses Mar 27, 2007

Anxiety attacks it sounds like. a friend of mine gets them and they are really debilitating. Like you they understand at one level that the fear cannot rule their lives and yet cannot exercise control over the event. In the case of my friend they have been attending a group that uses various therapies to alleviate the symptoms. Maybe your could look into something like that. Even knowing that others share your problem might help.<br />
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good luck.

Wow,that sort of thing happens to me a lot too!I'm glad I'm not the only one :)