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I Am 40, No Money, No Steady Job, And No Family What Good Is Left For Me?

I just turned 40 last week. Instead of feeling happy, I was miserable and cried in my room. I so hated the moment when I turned 40. Looking back my life, what had I done in my life? I finished college and graduate school with high GPA. But that is all. I have not really built up my career. I have not met the love of my life and I have no kids. After being laid off, I live with my family. I have a small job but I haven't found a job in my field.

Since I have been struggling financially, I have to depend on my family. I hate it. When I was a teenager, I thought age 40 was such an old age. Now I am 40, I had never imagined that I would be still single. I had wished I could stop the time. These days I have been looking back my past, I am remembering all those mistakes that I made in my life. I wished I were more outgoing. I wish I were braver.

Especially I have deep regrets about my love life. I wish I had not been too serious about men that I fell in love with. Several months ago, a guy that I truly loved in my entire life left me and now he has someone new. I thought he was the love of my life (and he said the same thing, too.) He broke my heart terribly. What do I do without him? I am angry myself for not being able to find the one. What is wrong with me?

I am 40. I am afriad of not meeting love of my life. I am afriad of not being able to have my own children. I am definitely losing market value in the dating market. Am I end up being a nun?

My worst fear is this. All of the people I feel close to die (my family and close friends). I will just get old and live by myself struggling financially. I eventually will start having health issues and eventually die alone. No one will find me dead until my body starts decomposing.

I know I will die someday. But I don't want to live the rest of my life being alone and feeling lonely all the time like now. I don't know where to start to adverse my fear.
adelayedadult adelayedadult 36-40 5 Responses Jan 26, 2011

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Being in very simmilar situation just before turning 40 I can understand your fears. I am not going to pretend that I know exactly what is on your plate and give straightforward advice what to do. It is far more complex for a single line answer. However consider following:

You may feel that you hit the bottom and you do not know how to go on. Actually it is not that bad as you think. THE GREAT NEWS is that you still have options no mather how much they may seem to be limited. Having options is the capital of your life. There are so many people who feel trapped in their lifes / jobs / families and having everything what you miss they still can not appreciate it. Why ? Success and happiness is measured only by ourselves in the end. I personally know couple of people whose life has been quite misserable for a long time and these days being even 50 or more their prosper in their own terms and the quality of their life is nothing comparable to their past when they were younger.

Being at your age may feel restrictive, however you have something younger people miss, experience, I mean life experience. You sound as you know what you misss and appreciate. When I was in my thirties I had an outstanding career and I just could not appreciate it. Besides, I have couple of acquaintances that have career, girl/ boy friend and when you talk to them they sound unhappy, bored, tired simply unhappy. Knowing what you miss is the first step to move forward, most of the people hardly know what they really desire.

Job concerns: I am sure that in the past you liked something or you even might have excelled in some activity. Everybody has some gift, the task is to find it and employ it, that is the mistery of life. START EXPERIMENTING... I know how crazy this might be but there is nothing to lose from what I have read. Experimenting will sooner or later bring you somewhere, as I say it will shape out. Just, please, give it a try. It may feel that it is difficult to start, but, please start. If you have fears do not take care of them, just live with them if they do not dissipate. I am sure they will, sooner or later. After dark ages something better always comes.

Love life: I am feeling the same when I look back into my love life. Honestly, I did not have any in my life which is scary as it can be. However, you were given gift of love and you loved once. There is no way that if you are at least open heated person that you will stay alone or die alone. No way this can be true. Think about it that you are just being temporarily misfortunate. And I am sure it will not stay forever. But, please, go out meeting people, even strangers, smile and appreciate the momment that you have even a momment to share with. Appreciate your loved ones (family), you have one and that means that you are not alone, some people really are.
My simple advice again> Experiment, go out meet people, meet your relatives, be kind and please, do not be sad. I have been through the simmilar period and I started to meet people and started to smile and be kind to them. It was not my nature and it was pretty difficult, however I was shocked and amazed how it changed two things. Suddenly people started to be nice to me and I started to meet new people. It took a while, however my life suddenly started to improve, slowly but recognizably. And what really changed were my feelings and my perception of self-value.

"What is beautiful is good, and who is good will soon be beautiful."

No matter how desperate one can be and no matter how bad the situation really is, do not give up. If you lost your hope and self-esteem, or everything, start to experiment with good will and there is no way fruits start to come and in some time you will just remember these days as an episode nothing more.

Wish you GOOD WILL and LUCK


Jo


3.

Have you tried praying on it and asking God for help.

Me to. Except i did get married....and marriage revealed how damaged I was. To boot, i married an emotionally damaged person. It was a miserable failure which left me alone with a child to raise. My husband left for good six years ago. In an emotional moment i quit/got fired from my job months after he left. I got unemployment for close to three years then moved to a ghost town in an attempt to give my son a better quality of life (think Mayberry). Now six years have passed and I am still unemployed, driving a car that resembles a shack on wheels, i have terrible credit, no money anywhere and live on the $1200 a month my husband provides. i look at my life and think how did this happen? And the answer is the same as yours- fear. I married my husband because i thought that was the best i could do. I threw him out because i feared he would leave anyway. I moved a 10000 miles away to hide from the pain of my reality. And now i sit day in and day out scared to death to make another bad choice- so I make mo choices. I just sit paralyzed from fear. i know fear is the issue...BUT overcoming that fear an moving toward a new reality seems impossible.

I know this may sound cliche, but how about getting an animal? IT's actually a suggestion in alot of books I have read about improving mood. I have two cats that I love to death and look forward to seeing when I come home everyday. I am 33 and also single, and have had manic depression my entire life... and succumbed to its wiles wthis summer. I have learned alot since then... that life is worth living, even if I'm single. That my friends are there if I need them, even if they have their own lives to attend to. That I need to be on meds because my particular depressed state is simply too much for me to handle... and I have always been a very strong person, but we can only take so much in life. There are many things that can bring us happiness besides a fulfilling relationship, and believe me I want one just as much as the next guy, but we need to find happiness within before another person can truly bring us any joy. Do you have any hobbies that you like? Hobbies are great ways to meet people that share your interests, as well as just making you happy by doing something that you enjoy. And for the being afraid of not having children part... I have the same fears, but sometimes life doesn't gove us exactly what we are looking for... so we need to find an alternative. Mine is to take in a foster child, they need so much more love and care than a biological child, as they have been tossed from home to home and generally not trested very well. This is my personal plan, but you have to find something that works for you. I hope you can find something (not necessarily a man) that will make you happy, but just keep trying until you do... before you know it you won't even realize or maybe even care what you thought you were missing out on the entire time... god bless :):):)

look my sister, u have to be very strong and don't care about mens because if u stay thinking about love or the futur u will be just upset and ill , u have to be the first thing hopeful about the futur and try to improve ur work and make friends those can really love u and look after u and give u help when u need them