Pushing People Away

Why do we do it? A part of our hearts and minds scream out for somebody to love us and the other half is too scared to be loved, to let someone into our hearts and our lives. Afraid of what it might do to us, afraid what will happen once you let them, afraid that they will turn their backs, afraid of what they might think if they find out the truth about us. Inside your screaming out for somebody to hold you, to wipe away the tears but how do you let them when you have been fighting it for so long. I have been hurt so badly in the past if it happens again will I ever be able to get back up again, can I let it happen. I think the answer to that is no, I don’t have the strength anymore.
I let people in, then I back off scared of how much I care for them, scared of being rejected when my weirdness shines through. I hide the madness inside of me to the world but sometimes not very often but sometimes there is a friend who will make you think maybe they are different. They say they care so I should let them in then my own fear sends me running away as fast as I can. WHY? Why can’t I just let people in, love me, care about me without getting completely freaked out?
Partly due to the fact I have always relied on myself very self-dependent just asking for help is hard and I don’t want to feel like I rely on somebody. To me asking for help is a sign of weakness admitting that I can’t do this on my own, I’d be able to offer others help but not to accept it. I don’t want others to think I am weak or inadequate. I don’t want people to find out how **** things are, how low I can get and will go to great lengths to cover it up. As well as I have been let down a lot in the past my family have never been very good so I think to myself if my family can’t be there for me, love me why would anybody else? My parents can’t hold me, tell me they love me so why would anyone else?
I have heard all the negative stuff that my family have said to me all life that I can’t take in or believe when somebody tells me something nice I will always think there is an ulterior motive, that they are just being nosey and once they have found out the truth they will realise it wasn’t worth knowing or the novelty wears off.
I let people in then wonder if I have done the right thing, I always wonder what they are going to say or to whom it makes me nervous then I tell myself that they cannot be trusted. Completely ****** up? I can let people into my life as long as they don’t get too close, find out the truth about me as long as they believe the lie that everything is perfect and I couldn’t be happier.
I have spent so much time and effort building this wall around myself that I don’t how to tear it back down or if I even have the energy to, plus most people who try to reach me would think that is too much effort and give up before they have even tried so I am too scared to let people try. It gets so lonely at times but I am scared of the pain I will feel if get hurt or rejected because I am not sure if I could take any more.
Why can’t I just accept that people want to be there, want to care, and want to help?
I let someone in recently let them know the truth about me, I now feel like I am falling apart. Once the truth is out even to just one person it is like admitting that it did happen, that I do feel the way I do and it’s hard. I now feel really hard and cold towards them, don’t know what to say or how to behave because I want to push them as far away from as I can before the pain and rejection sets in. It is only the first day of the week and I already feel like I am keeping a distance, keeping them at arm’s length. I’m not sure I even know how to stop I have been living a lie, pretending I am ok for so long it comes naturally, I don’t know how to be myself, let people know the truth. The lie has become a reality. I am lost!!! I need to find myself again but I don’t know how? Everything hurts so much already, the loneliness, the rejection it’s already too much to bare sometimes how will I cope if the wall crumbles beyond repair? I don’t how to stop pretending anymore. I don’t want to push them away but I don’t know how to stop. The thought of hurting them is upsetting; I don’t want them to feel bad because of me.
LoraJane LoraJane
22-25, F
2 Responses Jan 21, 2013

Its kind of freaky to have that all written down by someone else. Its sort of like you wrote my own mind down there. I don't know if I can help at all I am here if you ever want to talk. I am kind of a goofball though just so you have been warned.

Thank you same to you if you ever need to talk I will always listen. I know I sometimes feel a bit like that when someone writes something similar to how I am feeling x

Hi LoraJane...it is not weakness to need help...I know that terrible feeling of what if you care too much, what if they reject you...it's horrible...maybe start here with online people? I've learned that taking baby steps helps too...just do what you can, a little day by day...

Thank you :)! I'm trying but it sometimes gets the better of me and I feel like I can't control it. Yes I am new to this website but I like it I find it easier to write about things rather than talking... I know your right if someone asked me to help them I wouldn't think of them as weak I'd say they were brave and strong but I find it difficult to turn that around to myself

Yes I know it is hard to do that...people who are kind to others are usually so mean to themselves! I guess it's a habit to work on.... keep trying :)