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I Have A Fear Of Rejection...

...and I'm glad to finally know that this fear is what has been ruining my life.

I just found out today. I got the diagnosis from a counselor I've been seeing for a few months.  It took him a while to figure it out because I had it so well hidden--from others and from myself.

I started with counseling because I was having trouble in my marriage.  The sessions weren't doing much good for a while because I kept insisting that "it takes two to tango" and that my wife was not taking responsibility for her part of our problems.  I continued to think that if she would just fess up and share the blame, we could get somewhere.  I never admitted that it was ME.

Oh, I did some self-work: I knew that I was having difficult feelings and I worked on those, but I never understood them.  I also worked at my communication skills, trying to speak better and listen more compassionately.  I really thought that communication was the source of my relationship troubles and that my big, unspeakable fear was of abandonment.  I was close, but not quite right.  My communication problems are a symptom, but the underlying problem is that I am afraid that I will be rejected because of not being good enough.

So when my wife expresses negative things or avoids me, I am overcome by my worst, deepest fear: she is rejecting me because I'm not good enough.  Then--overcome with painful feelings--I begin to shut down.  I stammer, my head feels dizzy, my stomach feels queasy, my limbs feel weak and unsteady and I'm unable to function.  I become the man without a voice, unable to speak because I'm choked with tears.

Now I have a diagnosis and with it a new sense of being able to work on my problem, along with the major insight that it is something that is MINE.  Now I know how to be responsible toward it.

I feel like celebrating!

My wife--the only woman I have ever truly loved, the woman I dream about, the only girl for me--still wants a divorce.

I've had a great triumph today and a major defeat along with it.

Life is funny that way.     

themanwithoutavoice themanwithoutavoice 46-50, M 1 Response Dec 2, 2009

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I understand what you are saying. Good luck in your journey!!