Confronting The Past

I am overwhelmed with conflicting desires. I have worked very hard to define my self extracted from the 'desperate, please love me' self who was present in all my past relationship. She was sad and lonley and just craved to have herself validated by others romantic affection. She was a good girl who stayed way from dangerous connections but did have 2.5 romantic relationship. I speak of herin the past tense because I am now a different self who is more self sufficient, independent and defined. The conflict which i am struggling with is how to trust my present self in the context of a romantic relationship. I have been reaching out to find a compatible lover, friend companion but when I make a new connection, my past self takes over. I hate her. I dont want to have another relationship where she is present. I know i need to heal this self but am at a loss. On top of exploring new relationships as a mature self, my past partners have come back into my life. One that i will never contact because I am not interested but another who wants to be in contact after all this time. I relented after a 3 year time period when he first contacted me. I hated the self I was with him and didnt want to reexperience that time period in my life. However, i recently texted him requesting a conversation via email to get his perspective and share mine with him. There is 15 years that have gone by since we last saw each other. He responded and after some texting which seemed the safest for my heart, I decided to talk over the phone. It was fun remembering our friends and fun we had. We talked for hours as old friends with some sharing of our experience of being together romantically. We see it so differently but that was experience. What I was very aware of was the difference in my self. I eas able to speak from my true self which he doesnt know and that gave me hope for any future relationship possibilities. Not with him because we are too different and could not fullfil each otheras romantic partners. Not sure I know or trust his motives for wanting to keep in touch but his request to talk in a few days triggered the old me that cannot moderate her feelings when interest is expressed by another person. She starts filling in the blanks, desiring the security of knowing his intentions or motivation towards me. It is such a high to think nmaybe he did care and want to reestablish a romance. It was never discussed but alluded to during that initial phone call but this is his way..never defining anything or answering questions with questions or such abstract words that it makes me feel crazy all over again. My old self has come to the surface with all her fears, hopes and insecurities. The clash between my past self and present self has been horrible to experience. My anxiety is off the charts and as i used to do when geeling vunerable, I "cling" in some form to that person. I feel anxious and sick and unable to concentrate on work. Yesterday morning, I experienced such an emotional crying panic attack which scared me on so many levels. I had to get out of the house and engage my intellect to break the attack. It did help but flared up some at work. Good thing I was there alone. Cant say I was real productive but I felt safer being there. I am at a loss as too what to do? There is a mature self assured woman fighting to get out and experience romance aain but my past is very strong with very intense feelings of hurt etc which makes her influance strong as well. Is there anyone who can relate to any aspect of my story? Can you share how you overcamne this type of struggle? It makes me so weary and depressed. Thank you for reading this part of my life story. I look forward to feedback, reassurance etc.
heartsdesirelove heartsdesirelove
46-50, F
May 20, 2012