I Hide From The World

 I was diagnosed bipolar in 2005 which automatically made me "different", especially since I was a cheerleader, honor student, etc. in highschool, we weren't allowed to have 'issues'.  Then I got a brain injury July 18th 2008.  I can't drive becaused I have uncontrolled epilepsy (still in medicational limbo) and I can't work because I have to many health and mental problems that have yet to be controlled and/or cured.  I feel "different"  because to look at me, there is no obvious physical illness.  I have the 'silent injury'.  When I go into public and have to interact with people, I feel stupid.  They sometimes look at me like i'm 'crazy' because I don't make sense sometimes.  I can't dress 'cute' because I have vertigo and balance problems, so I have to wear Nike Shox everyday, because i'm less likely to bust my rear in those.  I get confused and wander off in big and/or crowded places.  I've had people walk up to me and ask me if i'm okay.  Like i'm a kid that has lost their parent.  Therefore, I chose to stay at home, in pajamas and hide from the world.  All of my social interaction is done online.  Usually Facebook, until I discovered EP yesterday.  And i'm glad I did, because I would have never posted this on FB for fear of my friends knowing the truth.

I don't try to fit in socially anymore and I don't really give a * anymore either....although i'm the rockinest person I know, I don't want anybody else to really know the post-injured person...and I think that's ok.

nightismycompanion nightismycompanion
26-30, F
6 Responses Dec 28, 2009

I just googled I want to hide from the world and came across your post. Although I'm not bipolar nor have a brain injury. I suffer from depression and social anxiety. I have been finally diagnosed with add after struggling with school academics and careers my whole life. It continues to this day. I feel different, very different and can find simple social interaction unbearable.I am also very resentful of the societal structure we live in that demands we all follow it's rules whether we struggle or not. As I text this from my phone , I'm out walking my dogs as my wife's sister and son and husband are dropping by. It's not that I don't like them, I just don't have the required social skill at this moment. Sigh. Silent injury indeed!

I understand with everyone here. When I told someone I like to hide from the world, isolate myself, they said I was escaping into myself. Well, I know it is a safe place for me. But you wouldn't know it if you looked at me. I take pride in the way I look, have the "hippest" things, and I am social to those I meet, but I have my walls up all the time. I don't make eye contact with people...etc. Only when I feel it is "safe" too. Family? Well, why bother connecting if they hurt you and I love them, but I don't like a lot of them. So why let it ruin your day if you go outta your way? I have tried many times to ease the connections with family and I basically just am cordial when I see them. Funny, I do not like thanksgiving or christmas- my family is so disconnected that I wind up being alone those days and I am used to it by now. My bubble is safe but I do get out with friends and to social places, but I force myself to do so.

EP is a wonderful place to feel connected. I have a few health issues, both mental and physical, that I hide from most people as well. There is that feeling of shame because as a young adult I'm supposed to be in my prime. Or at least healthy and foraging my way into the world and creating a life for myself. But it's hard to do that when your mind is wired differently. I've had to put a lot of my goals aside in order to get better and EP is helping me do that by providing a support system I can't get without ridicule. (People tend to shy away from what they can't understand or control) it's a sick sad truth but the internet is beginning to replace certain human interactions.

I have fought similar thoughts. I have wanted to hide from the world some remote quite place with males of land between me and other people. I am a married man with a lovely wife and child and good friends (just a handful). I don't understand these feelings.

thanks! it feels so good for me have gotten all of that out. I write these things in my journal everyday, but now I can get some feedback and meet awesome ppl like myself! thanks for commenting!

Well I am glad you found a place where you can write without fear of being judged. Its kinda the same reason I came here too. Just a place where nonone knows me that I can post my thoughts and stuff.