Living In Constant Pain....

Almost ten years ago my first love drowned in a lake, I was pregnant, he was not the father but I had always hoped he was. Almost 10 years and I still can't get over it... I think about him all the time still. I feel stuck in the past, alone, and disconnected from life. The past 9 years have been a living hell for me, not because of being a mom. I love my son and do a fairly well job of taking care of him. Not so much for taking care of myself. I feel unwanted and unimportant. I don't know what to do next or how to fix anything. I do know it's all my fault that I'm in this mess and take responsibility for all the actions that brought me to this point, but I don't know where to go from here. I'm tired of heading down, I want to go up. I want to be happy and in love. However it seems men are no longer interested in me, and why would they be I can't even look at myself in the mirror without breaking down. I'm crying almost everyday now and it seems like it will never end, like there is no way out! And I want so desperately to be out! I have tried therapy, but talking for an hour every 2 weeks wasn't working for me. I feel I need a more intensive therapy, but am unsure how to go about it and am also a procrastinator to the fullest. Also I am unemployed, I have medicaid, but I fear they will not provide the type of service I need and I cannot bring myself to ask anyone else for money or help for I feel I have been a burden to my family for so long now. I'm lost. The only time I feel even remotely normal or happy is in my dreams, where I can be thin and feel wanted by whatever dream guy pops into my mind. The problem with this is I tend not to want to wake back up to reality after such a dream and sometime especially when my first love is the guy in the dream who somehow was granted life again then I really don't want to wake up and face the fact that I am completely and utterly alone on this world... What can I do? How can I find my way? I do not believe in religion, it's not something I want to discuss either, I just have a scientific brain and cannot believe without proof. I feel religion is just something to give people a purpose in life and help them to not feel so alone, however it does not work for me. I do believe however in compassion and love, but those are both lacking for me at the time being. For years I've struggled with all of this wishing someone would just recognize the hurt I was in and tell me everything would be alright, but no one seems to know how tormented I truly am. My father said something to my mother the other day that really hit me, I've gone off my "diet" again and he was worried because he knows I "really want to be in a relationship" and it just broke me down when I heard. Am I that desperate looking? Has my family lost all hope for me as I have for myself, it's too much to bear, I don't want to be sad anymore, please someone give me some useful advice.... please... Also I have friends, but I am usually the advice giver and am not really able to easily tell them my troubles or worries...

ConstantlyConsumed ConstantlyConsumed
22-25, F
2 Responses Mar 8, 2010

What about going to a dr, to get some anti depressants to first get you out of the fog you're in. <br />
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While in it you can't see or think.. It doesn't have to be forever, just until you can "feel" better so you can begin to think and see what life has to offer... You need motivation... It is real apparent that you want to "give up", but in honesty that doesn't work either.. Through Welfare I believe you can see a vocational counselor, take some tests to see what the possibilities are for you.. But don't do this until you feel better, because the way you feel now the test results won't look positive. <br />
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Look into grieving counseling for yourself, something you don't have to pay for. You may find something on the internet. <br />
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Take Care

I know about the "diet" thing, I am trying to make it a lifestyle change and I have done all the research I just can't seem to let go of pop and sweets... About the trucker thing... I dunno, I know someone who was set to be trained and everything and then they turned him and everyone else they had set up away because of the economy... Thanks for your comment though.