I'm So Alone, I'm So Used To Being Alone, I Don't Know Whether I Can Ever Adapt To Sharing Life Again?My earliest memory of socialising was at Kindergarden and although it is vague I think I wanted to be friends with a group which looked to me to be ancient good friends having fun and I almost begged and used their sympathy to be hang out with them yet still on the outside.
Through primary school I was not unpopular or the most popular I lived in a National Park and was a little more isolated than most people.
I remember crying as a child telling me parents I didn't know the meaning of "FUNNY" which is a little absurd to me now however possibly a hint or sign of deeper issues. Through high school I was popular at the cost of losing values and altering myself to conform, I remember thinking that all the dum naughty kids seemed to be more popular and through experimentation unfortunately found this to be true. I now realise this behaviour makes your more popular on face value. As I young adult I used alot of drugs which clearly didnt help, mostly party drugs with constant alcoholism and marijuana. I had a girlfriend for 7yrs whom I took for granted and 1 day I woke up she was gone and a week later I found out she had left me for a friend of mine. I think this has set the tone for the rest of my life it deeply disturbed me although I often had deep depression even when she was there . Depression from slowly realising I am the odd one out, my friends slowly kept me at a distance, depression because I couldnt hold a job, I know I am a good person inside yet my insecurities are strong, I react to my insecurities by acting confident, I can be arguementative and feel my brain works best in a debate this can be disastrous when Im drunk an ex girlfriend once said something that stuck she said I can be a "character assinator" but like everything in my life everything has duality I know I also make people feel good about themselves and have a reputation for it.. As an adult through deeper thought I changed my ways reinstalled my good values and seeked a better life. Although I have had many fun times in my life and good stories sometimes I come to a shocking realisation then sweep it under a rug, I have been alone for most of my life I grew up playing by myself often in the forest, after my ex left me I lived with my parents for 2 yrs on a farm depressed and relatively friendless I now live in a town where I only know people I work with and am ok most of the time its only on days off I realise how truly alone I am, I can always find a drinking friend but that never feels real in hindsight. I have learnt to deal with being alone by going for marathon bushwalks and I Kayak unbelievable distances to feel like I accomplish something yet i find this sad that i go to these lengths to avoid depression? I feel that I don't hold a very good coversatoin, its always awkward when there is a group of people chatting myself included then for whatever reason the group splits up and im left 1 on 1. I dont think I am a good listener? I now have a good reliable job but I'm single in a small town I moved here for work and dont really know how to relate to women. When I meet new people I feel like they are instantly drawn to me and I must seem interesting at first then they slowly keep their distance or maybe its me who does this. I have embarressed myself on Alcohol countless times...I can easily sleep for days. Im too judgemental and often face to face see the bad side of people or rather how they can improve. I can be extremely quiet sometimes and others very social I feel like if you asked everyone who knows me what Im like I think you would get different answers from each? I feel like I have alot to offer and that I have something amazing inside of me yet I am my own worst enemy. I dont seem to be able to cocentrate on anything for long I am a dreamer. Its all so complicated Im not even sure what Im asking, I just know I am so sick of being alone....
greenant 31-35 3 Responses 0 May 10, 2011