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I'm So Alone, I'm So Used To Being Alone, I Don't Know Whether I Can Ever Adapt To Sharing Life Again?

My earliest memory of socialising was at Kindergarden and although it is vague I think I wanted to be friends with a group which looked to me to be ancient good friends having fun and I almost begged and used their sympathy to be hang out with them yet still on the outside.
Through primary school I was not unpopular or the most popular I lived in a National Park and was a little more isolated than most people.
I remember crying as a child telling me parents I didn't know the meaning of "FUNNY" which is a little absurd to me now however possibly a hint or sign of deeper issues. Through high school I was popular at the cost of losing values and altering myself to conform, I remember thinking that all the dum naughty kids seemed to be more popular and through experimentation unfortunately found this to be true. I now realise this behaviour makes your more popular on face value. As I young adult I used alot of drugs which clearly didnt help, mostly party drugs with constant alcoholism and marijuana. I had a girlfriend for 7yrs whom I took for granted and 1 day I woke up she was gone and a week later I found out she had left me for a friend of mine. I think this has set the tone for the rest of my life it deeply disturbed me although I often had deep depression even when she was there . Depression from slowly realising I am the odd one out, my friends slowly kept me at a distance, depression because I couldnt hold a job, I know I am a good person inside yet my insecurities are strong, I react to my insecurities by acting confident, I can be arguementative and feel my brain works best in a debate this can be disastrous when Im drunk an ex girlfriend once said something that stuck she said I can be a "character assinator" but like everything in my life everything has duality I know I also make people feel good about themselves and have a reputation for it.. As an adult through deeper thought I changed my ways reinstalled my good values and seeked a better life. Although I have had many fun times in my life and good stories sometimes I come to a shocking realisation then sweep it under a rug, I have been alone for most of my life I grew up playing by myself often in the forest, after my ex left me I lived with my parents for 2 yrs on a farm depressed and relatively friendless I now live in a town where I only know people I work with and am ok most of the time its only on days off I realise how truly alone I am, I can always find a drinking friend but that never feels real in hindsight. I have learnt to deal with being alone by going for marathon bushwalks and I Kayak unbelievable distances to feel like I accomplish something yet i find this sad that i go to these lengths to avoid depression? I feel that I don't hold a very good coversatoin, its always awkward when there is a group of people chatting myself included then for whatever reason the group splits up and im left 1 on 1. I dont think I am a good listener? I now have a good reliable job but I'm single in a small town I moved here for work and dont really know how to relate to women. When I meet new people I feel like they are instantly drawn to me and I must seem interesting at first then they slowly keep their distance or maybe its me who does this. I have embarressed myself on Alcohol countless times...I can easily sleep for days. Im too judgemental and often face to face see the bad side of people or rather how they can improve. I can be extremely quiet sometimes and others very social I feel like if you asked everyone who knows me what Im like I think you would get different answers from each? I feel like I have alot to offer and that I have something amazing inside of me yet I am my own worst enemy. I dont seem to be able to cocentrate on anything for long I am a dreamer. Its all so complicated Im not even sure what Im asking, I just know I am so sick of being alone....
greenant greenant 31-35 3 Responses May 10, 2011

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Wow I had totally forgotten I had written that and it is now nearly a year exactly since I met my new Girlfriend and we are madly in love! So i must have met her days or weeks after writing my first post! We live together and even plan on having kids , a little early maybe but I'm 32 and she is 26. I can't believe how much things have changed! But alot of the old insecurities still linger less frequently though I guess other things change slowly... So my answer to your question is you might find the love of your life just around the corner. I must say I really pursued this girl and did all the gentleman tricks and wooooed her pants off :) now we are completely in love with eachother! +she cooks awesome food nearly everyday :) and I told myself I would do something special for her atleast once a week like a massage or take her out. I wish you the best mate! Write back if you need any help or just keep me posted:)

well, am reading ur post after 1 year and 4 days since u wrote. idk how u feel now. is it different?<br />
i am i think - ugh idk wht its called, but i had a relation with someone and 2 days ago she said i dont have to talk to her ever again. she was pissed off and i dont even know why. <br />
i am most like what u say about urself, so tts why maybe i came again back browsing to the "i feel so alone " kind of forums.<br />
hope u feel different.<br />
i sometimes whn i am in some mood, i think, today is this day, time. after one year exactly - where/what/WILL - i be?<br />
hmmm so tts another thing now.<br />
2012/05/14 - 3:18PM.<br />
2013/05/14 - 3:18PM <br />
LOL - where/what/or shall i still be? - will u still be?

I can definitely relate with your last bit about meeting people, having a connection or sharing commonalities with people and you feel like you could be really good friends, but then you just can't infiltrate their space like you want to, they keep you always at a distance, not accepting invites to going out or whatever and no invitations sent your way, it's quite difficult to deal with.<br />
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I hope you get your chance at happiness.. but maybe you should start with yourself first, people tend to make things worse, find peace within yourself, try to accept and be happy with who you are first and foremost. <br />
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We each have our pitfalls and often disregard the blessings we do have in our lives.. good health being a starter. I noticed you have traits you are proud of, maybe focus on these more than the negative. I know it's difficult, I'm at constant war with myself as well and I feel like over-thinking things is really the absolute root cause of my problems, but no one should be sedated in their life, but what I'm trying to point at is you have the control to change your situation and maybe sharing a life isn't what you are looking at, maybe you're after sharing a burden or seeking validation of who you are through other people? <br />
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I think you might need to see a psychiatrist.