It's Been A Long Time Since I Felt ConnectedI need to vent about this but find myself kind of blankly staring at my keyboard. How do I describe this feeling? How do I describe that I'm always in company, always having someone spend time with me, I have many friends that spend time with me and lend a suportive ear and understand... yet, for months, I have felt extremely lonely. I found a new friend a couple weeks ago and we started chatting and for a brief moment in time, I started to feel a spark of that emotional connection again. But that too, is lost now I'm afraid.
I'm not sure what it is going to take to not feel alone. I'm confused and can't put it into words. I don't know what to do about it. It is a problem I have had multiple times in my life. I could get loads of attention, time and energy from someone and still feel alone.
Last time I didn't feel alone was when I feel in love with the EP guy back in September. But then we had a major setback, resumed communications and it hasn't been the same since. He is emotionally unavailable now and seems to prefer chatting with others. I'm over him hurting me.. in fact I expect him to hurt me.. and he never disappoints. I keep going back for more abuse. He is still a good friend to me. He knows me and I know him. But I dunno, he can't give me the love anymore and I still want it. Maybe that's what it is.
I just feel blahhhhhh to the nth degree. If there is even such a thing as feeling extremely "blah". It is pain that isn't pain anymore. It is like a spot that has been cut, bruised, beaten, bled, etc. until there are no nerve endings left.
I am making no sense. I'm writing to vent about my melancholy empty existence and don't even know if I've found the right words to do that.