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It's Been A Long Time Since I Felt Connected

I need to vent about this but find myself kind of blankly staring at my keyboard. How do I describe this feeling? How do I describe that I'm always in company, always having someone spend time with me, I have many friends that spend time with me and lend a suportive ear and understand... yet, for months, I have felt extremely lonely. I found a new friend a couple weeks ago and we started chatting and for a brief moment in time, I started to feel a spark of that emotional connection again. But that too, is lost now I'm afraid.

I'm not sure what it is going to take to not feel alone. I'm confused and can't put it into words. I don't know what to do about it. It is a problem I have had multiple times in my life. I could get loads of attention, time and energy from someone and still feel alone.

Last time I didn't feel alone was when I feel in love with the EP guy back in September. But then we had a major setback, resumed communications and it hasn't been the same since. He is emotionally unavailable now and seems to prefer chatting with others. I'm over him hurting me.. in fact I expect him to hurt me.. and he never disappoints. I keep going back for more abuse. He is still a good friend to me. He knows me and I know him. But I dunno, he can't give me the love anymore and I still want it. Maybe that's what it is.

I just feel blahhhhhh to the nth degree. If there is even such a thing as feeling extremely "blah". It is pain that isn't pain anymore. It is like a spot that has been cut, bruised, beaten, bled, etc. until there are no nerve endings left.

I am making no sense. I'm writing to vent about my melancholy empty existence and don't even know if I've found the right words to do that.
lisa36 lisa36 36-40, F 7 Responses Feb 13, 2011

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For most of my childhood and adolescence--even into my early adult years--I had this "hollow" feeling inside me. I didn't know what it was, I thought maybe it was loneliness, or lack of emotional connection. I was unhappy in my relationship and thought if I changed it, that hollow feeling would go away. It didn't. I found that I felt this way whether I was with or without people. Whether I was in or out of a happy relationship. Then...one day, I realized that feeling had left me. It was gone and I didn't even notice that it left. As I reflected back on my life and wondered what I had done to feel less hollow, I realized what it was. I had finally taken steps toward following my dream. I believe now that feeling IN ME (not suggesting here it's the same for you! :0] ) was about being true to myself and to my dreams and at least making a honest effort to achieve them. That has made all the difference for me. <br />
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I wish you peace, and friendship along the way!<br />
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XOXO

Well put, I am trying to get back to me that was not as introspective as now, I understand my responsibilities preclude many of my dreams. Your words helped me today. Be well.

Ive been there Lisa, I find that feeling arises when I loose focus of my purpose in this world and when my mindset is idle. Im married, but yet on occasions I feel alone as well. I commend you however, because you have buds who are available to assist. Sometimes I think it grand to have a BF, which is a missing piece in my life. Thanks for being true to yourself to pinpoint that deep seat need to fill the vacuum.

Thank you both for understanding. Even though I can't seem to find the words, I had to get it out somehow. ***hugs*** back to you.

This is why I think being friends in a situation like this is not a good idea. It just prolongs the pain. <br />
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I know the alone, empty feeling well. Sometimes I think that's what life is, trying to fill that empty feeling. Knowing that most other people are not going to fill it in a satisfying way. I'm ashamed of it though. I wish I could just feel good being alone. <br />
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But, your rant made sense to me.

You pose an interesting question in laying your heart out in the open. It's not easy having that experience of feeling alone, even though there are people around you. There's an emptiness that seems nothing or no one could fill. When you say "blah", there's nothing wrong with that. You've come to expect that certain people will hurt you and I'm truly sorry that happened to you. I can understand why the words are difficult to find because it's like you're stuck in a place of being numb. You've experienced disappointments and that too has not been helpful. I dunno, maybe I'm just ranting and making no sense, but if you want someone to talk to, feel free to send a message. :) wishing you the very best *hug*

You pose an interesting question in laying your heart out in the open. It's not easy having that experience of feeling alone, even though there are people around you. There's an emptiness that seems nothing or no one could fill. When you say "blah", there's nothing wrong with that. You've come to expect that certain people will hurt you and I'm truly sorry that happened to you. I can understand why the words are difficult to find because it's like you're stuck in a place of being numb. You've experienced disappointments and that too has not been helpful. I dunno, maybe I'm just ranting and making no sense, but if you want someone to talk to, feel free to send a message. :) wishing you the very best *hug*