A Room Full Of People

I can sit alone in the corner or even embrace in the smallest of talk but in the end, at the end of the day, I feel completely alone.

Why? Why can't I belong? Why did I have to go and just drop everything I wanted because I loved you and deep down I wanted to fix you? Instead, I have completely lost myself. I allowed you to 'fix' me when there was nothing wrong. I let you take control of my life. Look where we are now. We have been homeless several times. You wont keep a job. You promise to take care of our family and you repeatedly have broken that promise because you are to selfish. You have taken my freedom to the point where even when I did leave you, you found a way back into my life in 2 weeks and I let it happen.

I don't want to ask to take a shower. I don't want every thing I purchase to be compared and analyzed through a magnifying glass because this makes you feel better. I don't want to be scolded because I like to have multiple cigarettes while I have my morning coffee. I don't want you to think I am an idiot because I check out travel books from the library and educate myself. I don't want to lie to you anymore about who I am and what I want. When I see our relationship from an outsider looking in it is almost perfect. When the doors are closed I am in a living hell where every move is watched. I am not aloud to do anything to better myself. I am not allowed to have friendships anymore because they make you insecure and jealous. You constantly patronize who I am when I try and talk to you about it. But I will continue to fake the smiles and do my duties until you wake one day to see I am not here anymore.

And I am so sorry it is going to hurt you.

spaceygracey spaceygracey
22-25, F
1 Response Sep 15, 2012

Sorry about your situation. I understand a little of what you are talking about. I wish you would luck and hope you do leave. you deserve better.

please don't be sorry. sometimes i just need to get it out, have a good cry and keep it going for another little while. i did this to myself. i cannot blame anyone else.