Black Hole

I was just sitting in the school canteen last week, leaning on James' shoulder ( my bf if you haven't read my other post) talking to our friends like normal. I feel so happy and comfortable there now, laughing along with everyone else and all making fun of each other- and then I realised the contrast between me now and just a few months ago. A few months ago I was sat at the same table, surrounded by the same people and laughing at the same jokes but I didn't have a James to lean on and it was all a total lie. Inside I was aching, desperately missing the one thing I missed and wanted more than anything, and watching him down the table out of the corner of my eye. Who could I talk to? Most people thought I was a **** or ***** or some variety of undesirable human ( although apparently it was just run of the mill and forgotten in two days when another girl in our group got licked out in a village hall loo with 60 overexcited teenagers listening outside the door) and even my best friend wouldn't understand because she thought James was just a laugh to me, as did everyone. So there I was, sat like a pheasant on a firing range except there is no way out of this range because everyone I know is here, and stupid as it was James was there. And though I didn't know what to do I couldn't be away from him, it hurt too much- I'd rather sit in my black hole of loneliness trying to block off my own emotions than spend all day feeling like I had acid inside me and secretly extracting razors from bathroom utensils like I did at home. James made me feel better, however far away or unattainable he seemed at the time.
LonelyFirefly LonelyFirefly
18-21, F
Jan 21, 2013