Am I Alone ?

I want you to imagin this if you could..... You wake up and feel empty everything around you feels distant, but your not depressed slightly just aggervated, as you go through your day you become aware that you have no interest in anything you do, you also have no specific goals, but get a strong sence of accomplishment that you completed something and are at peace for that moment . Then you get a little anoyed because you can look at ur thoghts and feelings in retrospect but you don't grasp why you feel that way. Then everything resets.......

Hey this is what happenes to me every day. But to help you see things from my view I will fill you in on a short background abgout the actions I took that put me here.
I'm 12yrs my grandfather is dieing, 1 of my best friends is as well, I am moveing out of the neighborhood i lived in the last 12yrs, and I started seeing a psychatrist. Only 1 person my age figures out how to relate to me and he starts teaching himself about psychology because of me. I'm really afraid I dont understand whats going on in my head and and scared shitless to tell any one because I don't want to be put in a hospital. Other kids talk about video games and parties and what not. I start to think about killing myself and what it would be like. Befor that moment rite there is the last time I can honestly say I liked myself. Its the last time I thought like a kid my age. I feel thats when my kid inside. 13yrs its september about 11am a week day Kyle is going in to get back surgery and I am beyond worried. As best as I remember I heard a sperate voice that weren't my thoughts this is what went throught my head "you know you can't live without him"...I know....."well" he gonna be ok?......"yup he will be fine but you know what your gonna do?"......Yes. At that point I made a promise that I would kill myself befor kyle died and some how I would just know ahead of time.... Also not to let on to any 1 that this was my life plan do everything that any one els would do and lie. For the next 10-11years I hated being by myself wors and wors every day. I created a personality that I kept completely seprate for being around other people. I started smoking pot and takeing un healthy amounts of sleeping pills(benadryh,nyquil,tylenol PM etc) it was easy to get and didnt raise any questions. I would every day hevaly sedate myself for the duration of time I would have to spend alone because I hated being alone it was no fun at all. At some point everything started to get all confused with me knowing who I am and it was a mess. eExample since I knew I was gonna kill myself I refused to have a girlfriend or any type of relationship like that but at the same time tried to do exactly what I didn't want to it was confusing and ****** up. All n all I became "the dog" to myself I was suicidely loyal and obediant to my friends and any 1 they cared about only 2 ppl had what I looked at as the "final say" Ryan and Kyle if they at any point in time ever so much as mentioned they would want some one hurt or killed I would have done it without a thought aside from "i'll make them happy". This was my life begining and end sun and moon all that.
22yrs..... 2yrs14days befor kyle would die. I woke up and just knew "ok to days the day I killmyself" then came up with a plan on the fly It was halloween night seamed like everythying conveniently fell into its place. My family was gone there was a halloween party that night and almost every one I knew would be there. This is what went through my head.....
"Ok theres this girl Kyle like Allie don't reall know her but want to make shure she will make him happy" So I got intouch with her just so happened she was going to the same party, and she was an art student so I decided I would see if she would do makeup for the costume I was gonna run out and buy and she would. So I picked her up got a really good fealing from her as I talked to her knew she would make kyle happy so that finalized the deal...........
I saw kyle hung out with him met all my friends at the party had fun and a good night exactly as I wanted said good by to every one in a different way than they took it I felt good. Went home took a bottle of benadryl, clonapin,and Lipator I think took it all down with 2 40oz's. Thought I loked Kato in his cage then I aparently passed out and threw up face up choking on my own vomit. Kato got out pulled me off the bed and cleared my mouth he saved ny kife, I donlt remember how but aparently my teach from college took me to the hospital. 

I failed...had a nervous breakdown......contunied to medicate myself and drink heavly up untill june of 2008. I couldnt face kyle aft what I tried to do only talked to him 6 times over his last 2yrs. In june of 2008 I made a pact to myself like I did when I was 13 to never kill myself, stop "medicateing" myself and become comfortable being bymyself and get to know who I am. 
Currently 2010 been clean and sober for almost 2yrs every day I continue to see and notice things I never did in the last 12yrs and really like me not how I look but me inside. Every day I wake up tho no matter what I do I feel empty I sit and rite draw play video games just keep my mind clear really. When I start to think about a goal or a want or my future I have this feeling of oah I'm done........ I never once thought about what I would be like as an old man or life on my own just non of that. I never planed or thought further than the day I would die that was my life goal that was my dream. Currently even talking about this I start shakeing and gertting tremmors, panic attacks and very upset because theres nothing that I want or want to do I have no ambition because I just dont want anything. If I decided to move I would waste away I know I can sit in 1 spot not get up or feel the need to eat nor feel sad or depressed just sit and wait idk for what well I dont want to say it but 2 die. If I didnt make that pact with myself I would have killed myself already not because im depressed or sad I feel done........So I started to become a hermit I avoid people. Why well when I go out I see and can catch myself trying to act like I use to really interestedy in any 1 that has a problem and other peoples lifes. Its like I am standing on a curb watching myself drive away, I have to pull myself back in and its like a bomb starting to go off inside me Im angry and irdable. So to avoude this I am alone beside kato all day everyday and am 100% ok with that. I'm not ok knowing theres nothing I want, knowing I can't work because I know and my doctor knows the likely hood of me completely loosing it when I am out is in the 90% area and I dont want to go back to how I was never again never. first time in my life I like me I dont want to loose that. All and all I feel lost and theres no one I can relate to. As far as trying to feel calm Kyle from the grave lol has been keeping me together and doing more than any doctor for me I go up to his grave almost every day I cry then laugh because being there is the only time I dont feel lost I feel I am where I should be..........................I'm Jeremy and this is whats going on in my life... this is my life.
fox43921 fox43921
26-30, M
2 Responses Jul 18, 2010

ty :)

your not alone.