Alone, So Alone ...I don’t know if anyone reads it or not, but it doesn’t matter, maybe just writing it down will make me feel better, maybe. Maybe the keyboard is my only trusted friend right know.
So here it begins: I am S.N., 21 years old boy, born and living in a ******* country called Iran.
I’m the only child of my parents, a 58 years old painter man (artist, not decorator) and a 51 years old depressed, neurotic, hermit, communist and obsessive [don’t know if it’s the correct word, she washes alot and cares about clarity and dirt abnormally] woman who rejects any kind of therapy. Who has no friends and spends most of her life in front of TV watching garbage TV series of Iranian governmental television.
As you may have guessed, she is my biggest problem (and source of nearly all my other problems).
Ever since I can remember, she was trying to make me someone like herself, pretending that it’s good to have no friends, that it’s better for me to sit on chair all day long during summer and so on...
When I reached around 14-15, I realized that everything that she said to me is far from reality, I found myself being different from other guys in the school, shy and stressed without any kind of self confidence. There were friend groups and I was not member of any of them. So I tried, I tried hard to change myself, to live like other children, to be cool, to be someone whom everyone likes him. To be honest, I was never completely successful but I was successful enough to be labeled as normal and join friend groups.
But it was just a beginning, Every time I was invited to hangout with my friends, my mother yelled: NO! NO WAY! YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE! IF YOU GO, I WON’T FEED YOU ANYMORE! And I had to reject the invitation, and you know, when you reject your friends for 3 or 4 times, you wont be invited any more and you're out of that group for ever.
All the mid-school passed this way, I was kind of alone and useless in school and everyone knew that this was all because of my mom’s influence on me and you know mocking and...
Then I entered high school and the problem just got bigger and bigger.
Every time I saw two friends together, it was like the whole world collapsed on my head and I was burning in the fire of Jealousy.
In the last two years of high school, I was heavily depressed and hopeless. Days pass with me crying for hours in my bed, begging God to help me...
Then it was time for university, that was like a warm sun in my winter; I found bunch of really good friends, I was becoming the one that I always wanted to be, happy at the time and full of positive thoughts about future.
But my nightmare caught me again, invitations and me rejecting them for different excuses and trying to not to lose my friends.
And when they talk about their trips, it’s like i’m being bombarded. I come home and start crying in my bed. Then I go to psychology-related websites and read other people’s writings whom have similar problems and are lonely, without friends, I cry for them too; because I know how they feel, kinda sympathy and it relaxes me a bit.
Now My friends are planning a trip to visit the ruins of Alamut castle and probably stay over a night, and I know if I reject the offer this time, I will lose everything again, I will face the same familiar hell of loneliness in the remaining two years of university. And if I accept it, another hell, facing my mom yelling at me, of her crying and shouting I’M CRAZY, I’M CRAZY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME? Like she did every time I tried to talk to her.
Here it’s me, in bed for a week, crying, without any solution. Thinking about why I’m still listening to her when I’m 21? Why can’t I leave this house forever? Why am I such a loser? Why did I lose to a loser whom was alone and depressed for all her life?
And other things come to my head: Did you ever do a useful thing to the world? Are you anything but a useless (like my mom called me once) loser who just consumes and wastes oxygen? Don’t you know that you're gonna pass the rest of your life like you passed the past 20 years as a loser? So why do you live?
My whole life is like Evanescence’s song: Hello, I’m your mind, giving you someone to talk to, hello ...
For all my life “I” was my only friend, but I’m tired of my own voice in my head, I can’t do it anymore, I can’t...
Many things that are very simple for most of people are a far, unreachable wish for me: having a girlfriend, going to a trip, being in a party, having memories about friendship, ...
So before you ask anything, I’ll answer them:
Why don’t you get a job and leave home? Like I said, I live in a trash called Iran. It’s almost impossible to find a job at my age, specially when you are a land surveyor and all land-surveying related jobs requires you to go to a distant city and stay over for days and weeks and it means you’ll lose university. Here, people usually get independent at about 25.
Why don’t you get a part-time job? Cause then I will be paid for about 200-300 dollars a month and average price for renting a small apartment in a not-so-good place of Tehran in above 500 dollars per month; let alone other things.
You mentioned a dad, why don’t you talk to him? Cause he suffered enough from my mom’s behavior and tries not to be in home much. Normally I see him about one hour a day. When my mom starts yelling at either me or him, he simply ignores it and calmly eats his apple.
Why don’t you try to talk to her nicely and discussing you problem? I always talked to her nicely, but as soon as I start talking she starts crying and yelling: THIS IS HOW I AM! YOU CANT CHANGE ME! YOU HAVE TO SUFFER! I AM CRAZY! I AM MAD!
So that was my story, thank you if you read it, please let me know if you did so cause in eases my pain. And sorry for my poor English, it’s my third language.