Guess It's Back!I'm a 25 year old young woman, some may consider that young but believe me when I say, mentally I'm older than those years. I'm an only child, I was use to being alone at an early age. Of course I played with my cousins but they were boys and we didn't see each other a lot. Made a best friend in middle school, she has been my rock through many things as I have been hers. She's been there through it all and is still there but still I feel alone, when I actually have to face the fact that at the end of the day, with any problem I may have, I'll deal with it alone. Loneliness has always been a huge part of my life, in certain times it has become my protector but I would love for it to go away, for it not to exist. Being alone has caused many nights of crying and I don't want to be alone anymore.
So, of course I've had relationships. Nothing too promising, in fact I wouldn't even categorize them as a relationships. Every guy wanted the same thing...SEX...and they would say anything to get it, you'll wind up in a "relationship" for 3 days. There were a few of those but believe me, not many! I dealt with those to keep the loneliness at bay and on an occasion 1 or 2 serious ones came along, one male who I thought would be the one. We were together off and on for 4 years, long distance but we still loved each other. One day it just stop working, I wanted more out of life, he didn't.
Years pass and in to real relationship #2 with a female. Why a female? I wanted to see what it was like, it didn't bother me and I thought it couldn't possibly be worse than dating a man. WRONG!!! Don't get me wrong, I fell in love with her, I fell hard and being that it was her first time being with a woman as well she fell with me. But the harder you fall the more it hurts. It was great, I must admit. The feeling of completeness, someone who wanted to take the time and understand me, I seemed to connect more with her in some ways than with any man, especially when it came to intimacy. But I suppose those are the differences between loving a man versus loving a woman. I didn't feel alone any more. Her very presence kept the loneliness at bay, her love, her confidence in me, the loneliness didn't stand a chance and for that alone I loved her with all my heart. She had 3 kids and we all just worked together, we fit it, I fit in, I loved them and they loved me. I thought that was enough, foolishly presumed if I did all I could, love unconditionally in every way, that would be enough,
That connection has been severed now and not in a good way. Yes, we still talk as friends, the feelings on both sides continue to exist, although currently I am trying to break myself from it. I'm trying to let go because she has someone else, because even though she has admitted she is trying to hang on to me, I can't let that be. I am not that kind of person and its hard because I love her so much and the pain caused during the breakup and thereafter is crippling sometimes. It hurts more because I feel the loneliness creeping up on me and I have to say welcome back old friend. I think of her all the time, its maddening of course but I have techniques that help. My heart says you can keep her a little bit and not feel so lonely but my mind and heart also say no, she wouldn't be mine and I don't like to share. Funny, as I reread that it actually hurt to see. It's only been 3 weeks now, seems longer. I still talk to her sister, she had become my friend, much of her family had. I was ok, I wasn't lonely anymore, in so many different ways, I wasn't lonely.
With some warning but not much the day came when I was lonely once again. I returned home to live with my mom, still I feel alone that actually made it much worse, to leave the place where I had made friends. I hate that my mind is so active. Everything reminds me of her, the things she did, the times we shared. I have to ignore those thoughts though because that's what will help me move on but again, I'm faced with the loneliness. Now I feel like its getting comfortable settling on me because I know it will be a while before I even trust someone, let alone love them again. I'm Back! is what it says to me and what's funny, is I remember everything that came with being lonely and it wasn't anything to really look forward to.
I Guess It's Back and I'll have to get use to it. To be alone...harder when you weren't once before, you remember everything from then. I wonder if it was worse to ever stop being alone. But then "it is better to love and loss than to not love at all" I can agree with that but right now I feel as if that's not quite true. To love and loss means pain, but not at all if it never happened. Of course you'll be missing out on all sorts of pleasure so you say I want to live, to hell with it.
Right now I regret what I did. I regret that I left home and put my complete trust in someone who at the end eventually betrayed it. But at the same time I don't regret that I fell in love with her, that she fell in love with me, that we shared many great experiences as a couple, as a family. My heart won't let me say I regret that I met her, my minds screams of course you do but not my heart. She kept the loneliness at bay for a year straight and that was more than I had ever had. I regret that I have to start all over again, that no one seems to realize or accept how that's affecting me. Everyone is all, you're going to be ok, well I know that, its just the getting there that's a *****.
I suppose my loneliness will be a comfort to me until I'm ready to foolishly love again. Sometimes being alone can be hard, so hard but day by day you make it. I don't know exactly how, I smoke weed to calm my mind, it helps but there's nothing to dull the heart. Though it'll be hard I'll accept being alone because its probably the best thing for me right now.