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This Needs To End

This is long, but every day and night are too long now for me. I was raised in a cult by my grandparents. Dad was "working" out of state, and my mother had to work to support us. The first day of school, I was a guaranteed outcast due to this cult. I had to go to the meeting place 3 times a week. I always knew, even from a very young age it wasn't the "truth" they claimed it to be.

Then my dad came home. I had always watched the old show Family Affair and figured he had a job like Uncle Bill. I knew the first time I saw him that he was bad. He had been "working" in Levenworth Federal Prison for bank robbery. On top of all the cult crap, dad was physically, sexually, and mentally abusive. I tried to tell my family how bad he was, but was met with "you must love your father and mother."

I started to do poorly in school, then I became sick. I was hemoraging internally. Nobody would bring me to the hospital. This cult forbade blood transfusions. Dad was fine with that, more drinking money for him. They brought me to a cult member who was a chiropractor, he put me on some supplements and a diet, and I barely lived. I find it very hard to forgive my family for almost letting me die and not having any say in it.

I didn't have many friends, "Bad associations spoil useful habbits." I was very naive, but I had good instincts. I think the guy accross the street was a child molester. He got me alone in his house twice and instinct kicked in and I ran home. I couldn't explain it, but I now know.

We moved away from grandma and grandpa's when I was in 4th grade. I used to hang outside until I got called in for the night. I was so scared of my dad, I hated to even go home to pee. I was afraid of the dark, so I would lurk near the patches of light cast by the windows, dreading the yell from dad to come in.

I had very few friends, one of the few invited me to skip school for the day and go out with her boyfriend and his friend. Two things happened. I lost my virginity, and had my first experience with date rape. I also met a guy at the mall later who would bring me deep into the city and rape me with a knife to my throat.

I had many many boyfriends through the years. Two engagements, both never went any further, they were cheaters.

I started partying at the bars. Drinking, smoking pot, and doing coke. I had tons of friends for the first time in my life. Then I got into trouble for drinking and driving.

I quit drinking and driving and got rides. Gee, I had a whole lot less friends all of a sudden since I couldn't play taxi anymore. Then I quit doing drugs. Gee more friends gone. I finally quit partying. I didn't need a book to tell me what kind of friends I had made.

By my late 20's, I started working on my high school diploma, no GED, diploma. I got straight A's. I had dropped out of school when I was 16 because of ill health again. Now I started cooking meals for my mother and grandparents. I was a full accounts bookkeeper at the time, and life seemed, as usual, too good to be true.

I had been in a few bad car wrecks, and a back injury at a job. I hurt pretty bad quite a bit of the time. My grandparents mental health was failing. As a family we decided that my mother would sell her townhome, my grandparents would sell theirs, and we'd all move into a good house so we could care for them. We found a lemon. My grandparents got sucked into buying this house with no inspection, thanks to an ambulance chasing realtor who showed up at their doorstep. I hope he rots.

My mother copped out on the deal, and I cared for my two grandparents, her parents, for 6 years through all the horrors of Alzheimers. When she ran into debt, she finally moved in. It was only grandma by then. I started going for my bachelors degree (4.0 GPA), and worked two part time jobs.

I had been having severe neck pain and headaches, but I kept going until grandma passed. Now that I had a little time for me, I went into some specialists. I have 4 out of 7 ruptured discs in my neck. I'm also inoperable because of degenerative disc disease.

Then things become muddled. I ended up on 255mg of morphine a day. That didn't even work somedays.  I had to quit school because I couldn't muddle through on the morphine. Because of the narcotics and dry mouth, a welfare dentist talked me into pulling all my teeth. It took 6 surgeries because they made a mess of it. My mouth will never work well with false teeth now. When I'm home, I eat with my teeth out, and I simply don't eat in public. I also had arthroscopic surgery on both ankles to fix old injuries, and they failed miserably.

I was in a wheelchair for awhile, then a walker, then a cane, and now I'm on my own, but my balance leaves much to be desired. I finally started going out sometimes again. I ran into lots of old "friends" and met lots of new "friends." I took myself off the morphime, and take weaker pain pills now.

The past two years have sucked. I now have 2 ruptured discs in my lower back too. Once again inoperable. All I get is pain pills. If I hurt, I take pain pills, they make me sick, I puke, which irritates my neck and the pain gets worse. I have a whole section of the freezer just for icepacks that I spend a LOT of time lying on.

Once again my "friends" have deserted me except for a few that call occaisionally to see if I'll sell my pills. I say no, and don't hear from them again until next time. Jerks.

My mother was executor of grandma's will. Everything was supposed to go, in thirds to mom, me, and my uncle. He got nothing, and I got nothing. She now has the house mortgaed to the max, and credit card debt in 7 figures. I'm now on disability, and if something happens to her, I'm screwed. She goes in for knee surgery on tuesday and can't be bothered to even give me power of attorney in case something goes wrong. She's also a hoarder.

My only true friends are my four cats. Booboo is 18 1/2, diabetic, and has to have insulin twice a day. Comet is 10, but the poor guy has megacolon. I won't get into the gross details, but he gets a pill once a night. My dear little Sunny just got diagnosed with kidney disease and I have to give her iv fluids under her skin once a week and try to get her to eat her special food. Binky my 7 year old had a tumor last fall, but thank heavens it was benign. Even my babies are worrying me to death.

I am so lost, alone, and hurting with a very bleak and scary future. I believe in reincarnation. I hope I get a better shake of the dice next life. All my doctors know I'm suicidal, but I can't leave my mom and cats right now. I just don't know how long I can bear the pain, depression, loss, and lonliness. Believe it or not, I haven't even scratched the surface of my horrors. I really feel for others in this situation. I hope I chose wisely this time. I went to a depression support group over a year ago, and one person replied. it was like, thanks a ton. I'm needed now to help my mom and cats, but I can't live like this, this is bad, and the doctors say the pain is going to continue to get worse. I miss people, I miss having a life. Thank god for the internet which keeps my mind active. I'm starting a free drawing class this week. Don't feel obligated to respond, it's been somewhat cathartic just typing this.
catlady66 catlady66 41-45, F 5 Responses Feb 19, 2012

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{{{(BIG HUG)}}}

you have a friend here if you ever want to add me. i am so sorry for your pain. your life story is beyond tragic and you really are an amazing human being to survive it all. a warrior. it's a miracle you are here to share this story, and i understand why you are feeling the way you do. i hope you find a much better path now that you are free from the monsters. i send positive energy your way, hoping it may change for you. may you walk in the light and peace always.



blessings with you as the wheel turns.

Thank you so much Arelya. You sound like a wonderful person. I'd love to have you as a friend. I'm kinda new here, so I have to figure out how to add friends. My mom is having surgery at 5:45 tomorrow morning, so I'm helping her get ready tonight so I can't look tonight, but I'll have plenty of time at the hospital tomorrow, and they have wifi. You are a sweetheart. thank you, and blessed be.

you're very welcome. i will add you to my circle anyway. i hope things go well for your mother's surgery tomorrow. bright blessings be with you both. xx

I'm sorry to hear about all of you pain, physical and emotional. Keep writing. Keep reaching out. I know it is not much comfort, but there are people who care.

Thank you violetsun.

Thanks for your comments, it means a lot. I am actually taking my drawing class online. There's no way my back would allow me to sit through a real life class. The internet has become my favorite companion. I watch educational tv and always want to learn more. I search for interesting websites and articles constantly. Science, free ebooks, interesting government sites, history, magazine websites, museum websites, news, archaelogoy, you name it. I visit many humor sites to try to lighten up. It soesn't make up for real friends, but it helps a lot. Thanks again fot your coments. Warm hugs to you both.

Wow, I truely hope things can pan out your way soon.



Take care