Here I Am

Most of the time I feel fine going about my day and guiding it's every minute.  It's at times like today when I email my long distance boyfriend and lament about feeling bummed that my mother postponed her visit here.  I was looking forward to her arrival and when she called to tell me yesterday she was going to stick around my older brother's place until my younger brother's child had her recital or whatever it is.  She's trying to be there for events in her grandchildren's lives and I can't bring myself to tell her of my disappointment but I am, terribly, disappointed.  With a long weekend ahead and as a single parent I feel a lot of pressure to do things with my two children out of the normal routine and things I want to do with them.  Problem is I am broke.  My boyfriend didn't address my email that I sent and as I listened to him rattle off his day's events and didn't hear any mention of what I had put in the message I stayed clammed up.  He asked if there was anything on my mind.  My response was "what do you mean by that?  I rarely have an empty mind, what kind of question is that?"  That's me and how I skirt the issue of feeling alone.  I don't address it because I had already mentioned a cause in another message and if he doesn't respond to that, so I tell myself, he must not know of another way to respond to it.  So, I have the feeling that if I don't get invited to his place that it will be years before he does.  tt
anopenheart anopenheart
41-45
May 22, 2012