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Feeling Emotionally Abused

Im not even sure how to say what I need to say without feeling like I'm crazy, but, for my sanity, it's about time that I get this out. I am not sure if this is even what's happening so i need clarity. My husband and I have been in this ongoing rut since the beginning of our relationship. I knew from the first time I caught his interest in other women that this relationship was a sham and shouldnt be continued. The problem then was that I would have rather made it work than to be alone.,.turns out now I am more alone than ever. He has always assured me that it is a sexual addiction problem that he has never acted on, and I understood this. I am not being a doormat, despite what some may think, I am actually exercising what I feel is a healthy act in a marriage. Marriage is hard work, and never perfect. My tolerance to this is not the problem though. My problem is with his sudden distance and temper. We have one daughter, have been together for 4 years and married for one. It just seems like if I ever want to go do anything with him he just wants to stay home. If I want him to go grocery shopping, or leave the house for whatever reason (alone, with me, whatever) it's like pulling teeth and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He wants to play video games constantly, and when he does he is always angry and yelling at the tv when he loses. Now, don't get me wrong, I have no problem with video games. I play Xbox just as much as he does and often we play together....so I'm not being a controlling wife that gets upset about the games. When we play and I don't get the best score in an online match he will put me down in front of our friends. Most of the time in front of other people he is extremely charming and complements me, but other times he just cuts me down. When we are alone he jokingly cuts me down constantly and sometimes I tell him it's not funny and then he says it's not his fault that I don't have a sense of humor. I actually have pretty good sense of humor, and have been told I'm a really fun person (this was mostly before my marriage now that I think about it). He always criticises that i dont do enough around the house, but i also have a full time job, and a 1 year old daughter. He doesnt lift a finger and is constantly "hey babe, do you know where i put my keys/wallet/phone?" without looking for himself. Or "hey babe where are some clean socks and underwear?" "wheres this wheres that". Its never enough, and i must mention pur house is actually very tidy. When he is playing video games and I am not its incredibly hard to just hang out with him. He won't do anything but play games and I'll tend to our daughters needs and play with her. When I want attention it's "come on you know I'm not good at that when I'm playing games" and when he wants attention god forbid I am doing something or he gets all jokingly mopey and says I don't love him. I give up what I'm doing to give him his attention because I live in constant fear that he is going to find another woman to have sex with if I don't. He directs me on how to walk around when I'm grocery shopping, tells me to hurry up whenever we do something he isn't interested in. If we visit my family he is constantly asking me when we can leave cause he's bored and wants to go home and smoke pot and play video games - even though my parents housed us for a year while he was going to trade school, which he flunked cause he couldnt commit to studying. He warts a new car constantly and makes me feel bad when I tell him that we can't afford it yet. We are living on a low income budget as a starting family and I want to ensure that my daughter has everything she needs and that we have a solid foundation before he buys a sports car. He snaps about how he is angry that he is working and getting nowhere. I keep it to myself that I think he would be able to afford more for himself if he payed attention in his class and studied because then he would be making more. He does spend a lot on himself on video games. Our sex life is good...we have sex many many times a week. I guess I just feel alone because he doesn't ever do anything nice for me anymore. He never asks how my day was or asks how I am, but he will go on and on about his day and if im not enthusiasicly responding he gets upset. He is always so irritated! I've talked to him about all of this and he says that He loves me and that he doesn't know that he is doing this, but why has he not tried to correct it? I have abandoned all my friends because he never wants to hang out with them, and if i want to alone he has to watch our daughter which he really isnt all that good at doing. Im just going insane!!! I feel like someone must be out there who would treat me like a human being! We used to laugh together and have so much fun! I just don't know how this happened. I always knew I wouldn't be as important as Xbox is deep down, or that he could never give me the emotional caring that I needed, but I felt like he needed me to help him in his own growth and life. He says he would have killed himself if i hadn't come along. So if he loves me and needs me so much, why am I feeling this way? Am I just being over emotional? I think I've vented enough.Thank you for listening.
pandamandaa pandamandaa 26-30, F 3 Responses Jun 26, 2012

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My daughter has been in a relationship with someone just like your husband, she has a baby to him and finally had to end it for her own and my grandsons wellbeing. He has behavioural problems, and his aggressions would come from nowhere, he was rude to visitors and played games constantly, he wouldn't play with his son and even now has to be reminded weekly that he needs to bond with him, he says he can't deal with it. In the end my daughters confidence was at an all time low, she felt depressed and unloved, she gave him constant support but got none back, he told her the same things as your husband tells you.She said it was like having two children, he needed more attention than her son. Since they parted she is a far better person for it and although she finds it hard being on her own she is much more secure. Emotional abuse in my opinion is the worst kind, I know, I've suffered it too. Your husband needs help and I hope things work out for you, you sound like my daughter, a wonderful, patient dedicated mum and wife, good luck.

I'm sorry. This sounds like torture to me. I suppose this is why I've never had a relationship succeed. I am not willing to play second fiddle to anything; another woman, a bottle, a habit; laziness; rudeness; friends. I wouldn't put up with being put down in front of anyone. I am alone by choice, because I don't like being treated badly, and I never seemed to find a partner who respected me enough to treat me as I wished to be treated. I spent 15 years trying and trying to make it work with the last one, because I felt like a failure, and didn't want to fail again. Did this make him treat me better? Nope, he still treated me rudely and allowed his buddies to treat me and our daughter with disrespect also. Now, he is dead, and I realize it wasn't me he didn't respect, it was himself. If he respected himself, he would never have wanted to treat me like I was garbage in front of people. He would have wanted them to believe he had a good thing, not a dumb useless person; like he couldn't do any better. <br />
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Your husband has no self respect. If he did, he would treat you better.

In my slightly educated by not infallible opinon, your husband has not had the life experiences (or the plain good sense) required to correctly value your long term and daily contributions to his own life and well being. And is in part facilitating this by continuing to hide away in video games.<br />
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You seem like an awesome and amazing person and I'm so glad someone like you exists, and sorry that what you have to deal with is so unfairly tough.<br />
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I don't think you're being overly emotional at all, like everyone else you just want a good life and being married the responsibility for ensuring that happens should be shared.

Thank you for your encouragement. I hope others going though this can read and see a trend in their own life's early enough to stop it before its too late. Again, thank you :)