I Have No Right To Feel Like This

I feel constantly alone and misunderstood and upset and angry, but I have no excuse for it. I have great friends, my parents are fantastic, I go to a good college and while I'm not well off I am financially secure. I'm 17 and I'm not having a sexuality problem, I'm not being bullied and I'm not having problems at home, but I feel as if I can't be happy. I can't tell my parents because they'll most likely insist that I'm just having an off day, as they do whenever I am upset about something tangible. I don't like talking about my feelings: if I could spend my life writing and typing and never having to speak that would be amazing. Some days I'm tempted to jsut stop talking, just refuse to speak because what's the use ? It's not like I have anything to say of any real worth, and if there's something I really need to communicate I can just as easily write it down. That way there's less chance of me saying something stupid, if I can re-read it before I let anyone see, you know?
One of my best friends' dad died a few years ago, but she's the most optimistic person. She's very inspiring. Another of my friends has Lupas, and it has severely impacted her life, but she still always smiling. I have a friend who knows her dad is having an affair, I have another friend whose mum has been divorced about 6 times and doesn't have a very good relationship with her dad, another friend whose dad is pretty absent from her life and another whose mother was an alcoholic. And then there's me, with my stable finances, stable family, and yet feeling like the world is always against me.

I have been both anorexic and bulemic, a couple of years ago, not that it's made a difference to me really: I'm still overweight and I know it. When I was 14 I had a huge fight with my best friend of the time, you see. I overheard her telling her friend that I was too fat and ugly to ever get a boyfriend, and that inspired my eating problems. Now I'm too scared to diet properly because I'm worried the problems I had before will come back. When I overheard what she said, I texted her pretending to be 'a friend' of mine in an attempt to make me feel better: my 'friend' told her that he thought I was pretty when I did my hair and makeup properly, and I hoped that would make her say the same thing. Fishing for compliments I guess, but at the time I just wanted someone to make me feel good about myself for a change, because this was before I realised how much of a screw up I am.
Of course, I told her the truth eventually and she was really angry that I pretended like I did, and she spread a rumour that I'd pretended to be a guy in an attempt to date her because I'm a lesbian. I'm not, and I'm not homophobic either, but my school wasn't very accepting of homosexuality and whilst there was no physical bullying people can say quite mean things.
In the long run I suppose it was for the best, because I'm now friends with a really great group of girls, but at the time I was completely deserted by my best friend and I was picked on every day and it felt like there was no worse pain in the world and nobody seemed to notice. I starting cutting for a while then as well, but my parents got worried about me being depressed and were talking about taking me to see someone and I was worried that they would find out so I forced myself to stop.

I started cutting again this last year, but I don't know why. I just feel alone again I suppose. Someone saw the cuts one day though, so I tried to stop and I haven't cut again in about 2 months, and I'm actually a little bit proud of myself for that. I'm not stupid or attention seeking, so I'd cut the top of my arm and my thighs so people wouldnt generally see, but I slipped up and didnt wear long enough sleeves one day. But I managed to pass them off as cat scratches,so it's okay.

I don't know why I'm bothering to write this, it's not going to help, but I feel like I should do it anyway. Who knows, maybe I wont even press post. maybe I'll delete it all when I'm done. I don't know.

I'm just tired of feeling alone, and I'm tired of feeling guilty because I feel alone. I want someone to tell me that I look nice, or that they love my quirks, or that they are proud of me. Someone who's not my family, someone who doesn't have to. My oldest friend told me I look lovely today, but when I looked at my reflection I just look fat and ugly and moody and boring. She just says these things because she likes to make people feel good. She's very nice. I always pretend it works, and she looks pleased whenever I smile and thank her and tell her she looks pretty too, or that I love her.

I do love her, and I appreciate the gesture, but it doesn't make any difference.

I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful - not the way I look, just me - and I don't care if it's true or if I believe them or not, I just want to believe that they believe it, and that will be enough.
ibelievethatyoubelieveit ibelievethatyoubelieveit
Sep 19, 2012