Dare I Share?

I can't share a lot of thing about myself on here since when I tried not one soul said a word and I felt vulnerable after I did that. That for me was taking a risk, a big one and no one had a thing to say to me. I can't go that deep into my history since people on here don't seem to have come from where I have. I know there are so many people on here who are hurting and yes, pain is paiin and there are degrees with pain and one can never know the depths of anyone else's pain, yet, the particulars of my story are too intense I feel to share on this site. so, i stay repressed and i share on what to me is a surface level. I have felt safe sharing withonly one other person and last night that person hung the phone up on me during the middle of my processs.

Now, I understand all the logical aspects of why she did this, but my kid does not understand. My inner child, that is. she feels rejected by this other person whom I've confided in for so many long years and is the only person i've been
able to expres my innermost pain with, but, she's not my therpist since I can't find any therapist's who understand intense levels of abuse. And in hospitals
unless one has the money for a private place they treat a person like a nut, not as a person whose hurt is so deep and all they can do is to try to once again shut up that person and never truly hear or understand their pain and how deep it goes. And if someone does not have the money, at least in the state i live, Texas, they get no help. In New York years ago one of my therapists was studying to do psychoanalysis and this was a long time ago when the economy was good. I paid not one cent to her or to the place and this was fine since she was in training, but, at that time I was incapable of communication with her or with anyone, so, at that period in my life I coudln't take advantagge of her help or her training, or any of it. In fact that she stopped talking to me after being an active listener who spoke a lot and i liked this and got used to her way of working, to suddenly stop talking totally and me lying there on the couch and I was supposed to talk when i was so repessed and I had no acess then to any of my memories was an impossible task, so, i quite her and he wouldn't even give me a goodbye hug since we had worked together for a few years. Now, I see it more clearly. she was pissed that I was ending and she gave me this rule that she's not allowed to hug a patient. Really, so when is human carng and affection not a part of any healing modality, especailly when it comes to saying goodbye to someone AI was close to and shared so much of myself, what I had acess to then, a crime, or bad in any way? It isn't. It was her feeling rejected by me, her long time client. Velvetflow
velvetflow velvetflow
66-70, F
Sep 23, 2012