I Dont Know Why Im Doing This
I think my title really says it all, I have no idea why I'm doing this. I dont even know why I signed up for this website as I will probably delete my profile at a later time. Mayb I just felt like I neeed to get some things off my chest and seeing as how its 3am and the only person i can talk to right now is having extreme issues of their own ive decided to depend on the kindess of strangers in hopes that maybe someone can help me stop feeling this way.
Ill put out a few basic facts about myself but nothing to personal. I am 18 years old girl and am currently a freshmen in college. I have slighty long browish/reddish hair with hazel eyes. I am really short, only about 5ft and i am ashamed to admit that while i am not fat i am not skinny either. I have a gut that has followed me my whole life and have done my best to cover it whenever possible. I have tried numerous time to lose and have lost dramatic amounts of weight in my life but nothing i ever did was good enough to get the beach body i have always longed for. Its really not as big of a deal as i probably think it is, its probably only about 10-20lbs but nonetheless it still drives me nuts. I am always making attempts at losing weight but life always seems to get in the way, especailly now that i am in college its harder than ever. I also think i have an ugly face and could have better looking hair.
When i was younger and in elementary school i only had one friend, I'll call him Kyle since i dont want to use his real name. He was not exactly what most would consider ot be the ideal friend, my mother tellng me so nurmerous times and telling me she doesnt really want me hanging out with him but she did let me. He would often times call me a *****, a *****, fat, ugly etc. I would ask him about it and he would always be very sincere and apologize and tell me he was just kidding, he never really did though. It was sometime around when iw as in 7th grade that i started to fall in love with him, why i shall never know. There was one day when i was hanging out with him i asked him to be my bf he said yes and he even said he was going to ask me to be his gf later on. This lasted about week. Either way it was the single most happiest time of my life and still remains to be to this day. We were young so we didnt really do much, basically iw ould just go to his house and as lame as it may sound we just cuddled, for hours, nothing was really said. I always felt so safe and happy, i never knew such a thing existed. Then i decided one day to kiss him, he told me he had gotten better kisses from his mother. Not knowing what to think i tried to convince myself that it was just because i had never really kissed anyone, even on the cheek and needed experience. I dont whether or not he broke up with me before or after we kissed but he did break it off at some point, I was completely devasted. I felt like i was in another world i was in so much pain. He had started hanging out with a bad crowd and it got to the point where we werent we friends anymore, he just constantly picked me.
We eventually went our seperate ways, however, while he got friends right away, I was alone for a 2-3 years before i actually made any real friends. It took me a long time and i had often contemplated giving up but i didnt, i dont know that i am completely over him but i know am better than i use to be.
I suppose now I am getting to the real reason that i am probably writing this, I feel like i am never going to meet anyone and that i will be alone forever. I guess since we parted ways i have been looking for someone, almost anyone. Its very bad and i wish i didnt do it but its pretty gotten to the point were i just have to say 'hi' to guy and i immediately try to picture myself with him, but usually all i have to do is walk past them. I remember my first day of college i looked at all the guys who walked into my classes and immediately began searching for someone. You dont need to tell me how bad this is trust me i know. I guess i had really high hopes for college, but they hopes feel like they have been crushed as i feel i will not find what i am looking for at the place i am currently at.
But lately i have begun to feel like i not only will i not find anyone here, but anywhere ever at all, i honestly am beginning to feel like i will be alone my entire life. All of my friends have either been in relationships, are in relationships, or at least had a guy like them. I pretty much have none. My track record consisted of someone who assumed we were dating without telling me but always told me how much he 'wuved' me, yes its disgusting as it sounds. The next guy was some crazy bastard who was invovled with drugs and a bunch of other ****. The last guy was just someone who said he liked me but had been with someone else at the time, he was a crazy,border line suicidal going nowhere kid. Now whenever i meet meet a guy, i can barely get him to say hello to me, its as if im invisible. All my friends have had random guys give them their numbers, adding them on fbook just because they thought htey were cute, i have nothing. I barely even have any guy friends.
There was one instance that happened at my school here that i still dont understand. There was a guy in my english class that i had joked aorund with for awhile and i guess mayb flirted with a tiny bit in class, but he had mentioned seeing this movie with me several times, it was one of those things that i never really thought would happen though. One day though surprisingly as i turned to leave he said bye to me but then remembered something and walked over to me. He gave me his number so we could go to the movie and i then calle dhim so he could have mine. i honestly never thought i would hear from him, but he texted me much later that night. few the next week or so we did this thing were we texted each other back and forth, the conversations never really lasted long but i enjoyed them and i thought that we were flirting in them at least it seemed that way. Then one day we were talking about relationships, he assumed i had a bf, i told him i didnt have one, he said well your in college more time to party, i said im not really a party person, and he said well mayb a hookup, and i said im not really a hookup person, and he asked what i was looking for, i basically told him i wasnt sure but something long term, he said he it would be hard in colelge but not impossible :). So i asked him what he was looking for and he said he already knew he wanted this girl to be his gf, i wished him gl with asking her out and they are now dating, the messages from him stopped a few days before they got together. i wasnt exactly crushed like i thought i would be, i guess i had been preparing myself for it, i went in knowing this would probably turn out how it always would, with me alone and them with someone else.
Ever since this has happened though I dont really know what ot think anymore, i have a **** record and it only seemed to be geting worse. I really am starting to think i will never find anyone ever. I dont know why idecided to tell a bunch of random ppl this but for some reason i did, i was most liekly desperate. I doubt anyone will actually get this far though, nobody in there right mind would read something this long this late at night, but if by some off chance you are, id a appreciate a comment.