Sometimes I Simply Feel Invisible

I am a quiet person, I make all attempts to avoid any attention being drawn to me as I am intensely uncomfortable with any attention. I have accomplished some great things in life, or so I'm told. I have also silently overcome much, most of which is unknown to anyone. Visibly, I am an quiet, hard working person and single mom of two wonderful children, now teenagers, which I have raised completely on my own without even family stepping in from the very beginning. I have done this all while working, pursuing an education and enduring setbacks, such as a disabling injury. I now suffer from chronic pain from the injury which I have had for the past 13 years. I am no longer curled in a heap, crying and shaking uncontrollably because it hurt to simply breathe as I was 13 years ago. Now I do quite well... I work, take care of the kids, tend to the domestic things one needs to do, and everything else that one usually does as a single parent. No one knows of the injury or the chronic pain. However, there are those days when I am reminded that I am no superwoman and the pain returns, often rather suddenly and intensely, and I find myself once again curled, unable to control the flood of tears, hoping desperately for the pain to subside for fear of returning to the incapacitated person I had been from pain so many years ago. Tonight was one of those nights. I never share this struggle with anyone, I choose to bear this alone. I don't know who would understand, or even care for that matter. My mother and children have been the only ones who have seen me at the worst of times, or in any pain for that matter, and understand that this returns on occasion. I felt the tension and subsequent pain building through the day today, but choose optimism and continued on with my day until I could bear it no longer and admitted defeat to the pain. As a strong-willed and determined person I reach this breaking point only when I cannot hide it any longer, when the pain is so intense I am physically ill from it, praying for each wave of nausea to pass quickly, tears welling up uncontrollably as I finally acknowledge I have not overcome this, nor is it something that can be overcome completely. As much as I am learning slowly to open up and become less invisible to others in my daily life, I feel that the pain aspect of my being is one that I am more reluctant to share with others. I feel this may be perceived as a burden and wish not to burden others. I have come to terms with the rest of my invisibility to others and have learned to cope with the lonliness, though I find when the pain returns that being alone makes the lonliness so much more difficult to bear. To have someone simply be present with me would make it somehow more tolerable. Perhpas that is a part of my secret desire to be understood by even a single person, to finally feel as though I'm able to show someone all parts of myself, even the most physically vulnerable aspect. I am simply sending this bit of rambling out to the faceless void, hoping in some small way that by doing so I won't feel quite as utterly alone tonight as I do.
HidingInPlainSight HidingInPlainSight
36-40, F
3 Responses Feb 8, 2010

Be kind to yourself let yourself rest, new medicine now says mindful meditation can help deal with pain. Of course talking to a friend, taking a bath, and eating chocolate work for me too. Hope you are feeling better. I can relate

Be kind to yourself let yourself rest, new medicine now says mindful meditation can help deal with pain. Of course talking to a friend, taking a bath, and eating chocolate work for me too. Hope you are feeling better. I can relate

huggs sorry you feel alone i do sometimes to - so hugs n hope your day is better soon